How did you know divorce was the right way forward?

[User149421]

I'm very unhappy in my relationship. Been together for 15 years, married for 9, 2 DC both in primary school. DH is pretty much a workaholic, very into his job, works late and hardly at home for most of the time.

When we got together we were very in love, same interests, loved spending time together. But for the last few years we just don't have anything in common, just the DC. He's become very selfish, very full of his self-importance due to his position at work increasing, and extremely serious.

I gave up work after DC were born, have been a SAHM and basically walked away from my career as it wasn't compatible with DC. For the last year I've been trying to set up my own business from home. DH very much views this as 'my little hobby', but it's very important to me.

I'm very unhappy. We've not had sex for about a year. I just don't fancy him anymore. I've really let myself go, don't care about how I look, have gained a lot of weight, am on ADs.

I think things aren't too bad, he doesn't abuse me physically or financially, just he's so distant and involved in his job, I just feel like a home help. We've talked about divorce but he's dead set against it, more because of what his family will think and lack of convenience if I'm not here I think.

I'm so torn. I don't want to upset the DC or our extended family, but I'm so lost, I barely recognise myself and I'm so unhappy. I think divorce is the only way forward (he refuses to go to marriage counselling and to be honest I can't see how he'd ever find time to go even if he wanted to). When I think about divorce and starting out on my own I feel almost exhilarated, but I don't want to screw up my DC.

Anyway, a long winded way of asking - how did you know for sure that divorce was the right way forward?

I am the beginning of my divorce. So far H is blanking the whole thing completely and I think he will make it drawn out and difficult. Am interested in the other responses to this thread as I will wonder if I am doing the right thing and am scared. I have a lot of good reasons though and my solicitor said I have very strong grounds for divorce. It's hard when the other person doesn't acknowledge them though. H just sarcastically told me to "carry on", and also to "grow up" . Apart from that we are completely estranged but living in the same house. So he hates me but is damned if he is going to make any of this difficult basically.

Erm sorry, slight derail .

at the beginning of my divorce

My god - so many typos! Easy not difficult.

I think with divorce you get to a point where overall you think you would be happier without the stress of a failing marriage. Refusing counselling is a big deal. As is no intimacy for a year.

I think that exhilaration tells you what you need to know. I knew it was time when I really didn't want to try anymore and felt I could do better on my own.

Its very normal to be standing on the precipice & wavering, as sometimes it seems like such a monumental step. I knew it was right straight after I told him, I just got waves of relief coming over me that it was done & I wasn't responsible for his happiness any more.

From your OP it doesn't sound as though he's likely to change as why would he when he has you as a maid & its convenient to have you around without having to think about your needs in the slightest bit. If your standard of a good relationship is that he doesn't abuse you, then yes you need to think about leaving.

You sound like you could do a lot better than him

Oh & also, no child has ever thanked their mother for staying in a shit relationship because of them, children will pick up if you are unhappy & if you will be happier having left, then so will they. Remember also that you are modelling a healthy adult relationship for them & this will be the blueprint they take into their adult relationships.

OP your H obviously thinks he can stop you divorcing him because he doesn't want you to. Obviously that is not the case. The fact that he has refiused counselling is very telling. If you want to give it a last go, ask him if he is not prepared to go to relate, what exactly he is prepared to do to save/repair your marriage?. He knows you are unhappy - does he give a monkeys about that? He doesn't seem to give a shit about your happiness, why should you care about what he or anyone else thinks.

If I were you I would hold on to that feeling of exhilaration, and start finding yourself a shit hot lawyer (SHL)- he may have no time for you, but I bet he'd make time to be as difficult and obstructive as possibfle in any legal proceedings.

I've never regretted getting my exH out of my or my 2dcs day-to-day life. They still love him, but if he'd stayed, our home would have been poisoned 24/7 by his bitter, angry self. For myself, it was the realisation that he would not change - despite doing relate etc. The realisation that he didn't actually care whether I was happy or not, he decided his interests lay in me not rocking the boat, no matter how miserable and crushed I felt. That realisation was shocking but motivating. He made divorce very difficult, needless to say, as he was affronted that I had decided to put a stop to our relationship.

thefallout the fact that your H has been vicious and uncaring in his response to you - 'grow up'? 'carry on'? WTF? Gives you all you neeed to know about why you should continue to divorce this excuse for a partner in life. Is he showing you that he wants to repair or save your marriage? No! He is showing you contempt.my only question is to make sure whether your solicitor is tough enough? Ask her if she's dealt with obstructive and nasty spouses. He/she needs to be forewarned and extra tough. Your H should be wanting to 'make it work', the fact that he doesn't means that you can plough on with a clear conscience.

You have a life of your own, and needs and wants and an identity of your own. You do not exist as an accessory to some man's life (even if he DOES have a Big Important Job).

There will be no prize for living your life out like this and squandering your precious time and passion just because it suits him to have you as a home help. No prize. Just loss. Your kids will not be happy in a home where Mum and Dad don't love each other and simply use each other for convenience. They will pick up on this.

If you do want a divorce, you need to start making plans for the practicalities. Also if I were you I would be focussing on expanding your business, as it may become an important source of income.

You need to be prepared for him turning nasty, too, or manipulative. Don't fall into the trap of feeling sorry for him.

Good luck, it is not an easy ride.

I sadly this is quite common when the balance of power shifts.When you talk to him does he listen to your concerns?

If he doesn't than you know he doesn't really care about your happiness.That's pretty damming to learn and does make you realise he doesnt truly care for you.He also sounds checked out of the marriage.I'm not sure you can fix this so putting up or divorcing is the only answer.

I suspect he believes that as you get to stay home and he provides financially why aren't you happy?? Isn't it enough for you??

My stbxh was similar, however when I started to put in place boundaries such as asking him to be around so I could work he became abusive.

You say he's not financially abusive so I guess you have pension provision, access to all financial matters?

Thefallout, you are in an awfully abusive marriage and I guess you struggle to make sense of it.I doubt you will be able to rationalise why he behaves as he does but just must know he's very toxic. Getting out is the right thing to do.

Op, use the excitement you feel to make positive changes for you.If it's counselling or exercise, whatever to make you feel better.Once I focussed on myself it became clear that I didn't deserve to be treated badly.That gave me the confidence to know my marriage had to end as I deserved better.

Perhaps see a solicitor so you know the likelihood of a settlement and also share how unhappy you are with family.You will need the support.

Yes, as he does absolutely nothing related to admin or the day-to-day running of the house, I'm in charge of all bank accounts/investments, everything financial. I have my own (pretty small) pension from my previous work, and I've set up a SIPP for when my business starts making more.

All of the stress of dealing with everything admin, house and child related is part of the reason I feel so ground down. He says he works so hard when he is at home he just wants to relax. He'll return from a work trip away with a load of laundry for me, and just settle into te house like it's a bleeding hotel.

I'm going to start investigating my options. The irony is that my DM divorced and I am so proud of her for doing it, but she was in a much more clear-cut situation of domestic violence (I was a baby). In my case to the outside eye everything appears lovely, apart from on an actual emotional connection level.

There's another thread currently running with issues similar to your situation:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3004819-AIBU-to-think-my-husband-loves-his-job-more-than-us?pg=1&order=

Hillfarmer I agree with your contempt analysis. Re. my solicitor, I guess time will tell how things will go but for now I am happy. She is insightful, firm, but not aggressive. After so long worrying if I should go ahead and do this and what would happen, it feels like such a relief to have someone helping me - there is no way I could do this on my own.

Hermonie it's hard because now all I can see is a Dad who really loves his kids. That doesn't mean we should stay together though.

User149 - in your position I think I would give my husband an ultimatum - these are the things that need to change or we are getting a divorce. Maybe when he is faced with the reality of it, he will start listening to the things you need.

There was an incident. Broke the camel's back.

Prior to that, a slow realisation that whilst my ex is a very good, honest man, a brilliant provider and fantastic father - he's a pretty crap husband. Rarely affectionate, pathetic when things go wrong, not supportive at all.

I loved him and still do. Many many would not have divorced him. But I know it's the right decision. For me.

Coming up to a year since he left, 1 month since divorce. And you know what, it's alright. It really is. I suppose because no third party. Turns out, we are really good co parents and divorcees!