The best age for children to cope with separation

[Dotty85]

I know the answer is probably no age, but mine are 6 (nearly 7) and 3. I feel like my 3 year old is blissfully ignorant and won't really notice, but I worry about my eldest.

I don't have any friends who have separated, so this is really hard for me to navigate. My mum and dad split when I was 16 and my brother was 19. I coped, but my brother didn't. I think they only stayed together for our sake.

The reason for separation is totally selfish, disrespectful and unforgivable behaviour on my husband's part. I could take him back and live with him for the sake of the children. I don't want to, but I will do whatever's best for them.

Being on my own will mean scraping by, financially for both me and my husband.

So, do we cut ties now or 'stay for the kids' and inevitably split when they're adults.

What's best for them is not seeing their parents in a dysfunctional relationship.

If you can split and co-parent fairly amicably then this is best for them in my opinion.

I'm a single mum and my child is lovely and well adjusted. If you are thinking that kids are better with both parents together you are wrong.

Your happiness is very important too, if they grow up knowing you stayed for them, I don't think they will be happy about that as young adults.

My parents stayed together for the kids. Now they're staying together for the sake of family events (ie weddings, funerals, Christmas, birthdays)... and still living miserably with each other.
We as kids (and now as adults) all agreed they should split up. I can't remember a single family event/holiday/day out that wasn't filled with them snapping, one or the other refusing because the other was there or having a full blown argument.

We as adults all have had difficulties in our relationships, trying to find out how they work. A fear of commitment or a fear of letting go... I blame them and them being poor role models.

I'm a child of divorced parents and I can assure you I'm not traumatized in any way. If my parents had stayed together for "my sake" as an adult I'd be devastated that they'd chosen to live an unhappy life.

I'm a single parent myself, of a very happy 4yo. We don't have a huge amount of spare money but life is so much better. DS has a good relationship with his dad.

Thank you for your replies, which I think confirm what I already though; staying together for the kids' sake is never really the right thing to do. It is tempting easy though, when separation is so bloody hard!

It's tough as well because we get on ok and look ok to the children and outsiders. I could carry on getting on ok for another ten years, but that doesn't feel very sensible. Plus, the way my husband has gone through money, we'd probably be homeless!

My husband is completely distraught and at rock bottom. But he really has behaved terribly, repeatedly for 18 months now. And I can't help him any more.

I get on well with OH, but there's not much love left. No arguments or tenseness per say, just a sense loss really. I've made the decision to stay til DCs are at secondary school, so another 6/7 years. Only because there isn't any abuse and financially we can't go it alone.

Separated a year ago when dcs were 4 and 6. We were also an okay couple and no-one expected that we would split up. It hasn't been amicable (so far) although I suspect (hope) it still be once court proceedings are wrapped up.

DCs are doing very well. They're happy. We now have a warm, happy, and smaller (cosier) home and I've never had any doubts that this was the right path for me and for them.

As parents, we're their role models for what to give and expect in a relationship. It's not a life sentence, and we certainly deserve happiness. Life's too short to postpone that. Good luck.

Dotty: I was in a similar situation to you. 21 year relationship, two boys aged 6 and 9. I left about 7 months ago. He had always been a challenge to live with but the last 3 years, in particular 18 months had been horrendous. Daily shouting and anger, complete lack of any motivation, competitive about who did more etc. It was horrible. I still love him, and like you say to others it looks like we get on well. i have a very long rope (way to long) but in the end I just snapped and for my mental health I had to leave (emotional abuse).

Its been a very rocky 7 months or so, I left the family home and we have a 60:40 child care arrangment (me 60%), more or less. The kids have been great on the whole, the first month was the toughest but now the kids are much more relaxed when they are with both of us, they are not living with daily tension anymore.

He has been a bit of a mess at times and isn't in a good place (depression and anxiety although he is still using alcohol to medicate at times) but I think he can now see that he can only help himself. In the future I hope he realises I did it for him too as I only want him to be happy. And we weren't together.

Yesterday I went over for dinner, and for the first time since we split it was relaxed and we go t on well. I will never go back, he holds out a lot of hope but I have told him that. There has been times where I should have gone no contact (difficult with the kids) but I have maintained boundaries whilst still trying to help him from a distance. Many people on here would have said that was wrong, but I did it the way I felt best mainly for the kids.

I would say at the ages your kids are they should adapt well. Lots of love and talking helps. Good luck

Pudding21, this sounds exactly like my situation! Thank you.

In fact, you posted on my other thread the other day. You are me, just seven months further ahead! This forum is so helpful. Thanks x

@pudding21 here I am again! Same situation, same husband. Did all work out for you? X

Asap is always better the younger they are the longer they have to get used to the change.. a lot of things change and at that age they don't understand a lot of it, and they don't understand relationships.. when they get older it becomes a lot harder.

Hi Dotty, sorry you are still in the same situation, what happened? Did things improve then go downhill again, how are things now?

I am doing great, in September I moved into a new house that I spent 6 months rennovating (all my own decisions was like therapy). I am much much happier, doesn't mean I don't still have down days. but I am back almost to my old 17 year old self. I hit 40 this summer and have never felt better in terms of health. I sleep better etc.

The kids are great, and have really thrived. My youngest who is now 7 has really come out of himself and quite a character. My eldest is maturing into a lovely kind and considerate young man (most of the time, he is nearly 11). They stay with their dad every Thursday and friday and alternate weekends, and their relationship with him (although still a challenge at times) has improved a lot.

Things with the ex have only really improved in the last month or so, which has coincided with him seeing someone new. He was all maudling and flipping between sickly sweet to downright abusive again up until a month ago. I was worried about his mental health then all of a sudden he starts seeing someone, and he is as nice as pie. Long may it continue.

I am also seeing someone, started as a FWB, and has progressed but we are taking things very slowly, no-one really knows about us I am not sure whether I want it to be more than it is now as I am enjoying my single life so much ;) I had a period on tinder where I went a bit crazy and had lots of fun. While I miss the kids terribly when they are with their dads I use that time now to see friends and family and do things I wouldn't normally do with kids in tow.

Its tough, but I do not regret leaving him for one second. And I know the kids are better off, they were living with daily shouting, agression and parents who showed no physical interaction at all. The had two miserable parents and now they have 1 happy, and 1 getting there. They are very matter of fact about it, and on the whole I have managed to protect them from his abusiveness towards me (he does it via text, calls etc) and is more careful in front of them. They love their dad, but they know why it had to end and we talk a lot about things. They are very pragmatic about everything. They rarely complain about moving houses and beds, they have a routine and where possible we try to stick to the days they are with me and their dad. I have moved into the town where the kids go to school, and my eldest sometimes finishes at lunchtime so he comes home even on the days he then goes to his dads, so we have more time together.

What is stopping you?Finances? Fear? Or something else?

The damage done while trying to wait for the perfect time will out way any damage done now! The tension in the house will grow and grow and the children will alternately have to deal with a separation anyway. My children where 2 and 3, their father behaved terribly and till does. Its been tough on us all but im so so glad he left us and its its almost come to an end.
I see a better and brighter future for me and my children.
I dont mind being by myself at all, financially im get help with benefits and work part time, in the future im hoping to work more. It takes a while to get it all sorted out but if you know you dont want to be with him just get on and do it.

Thanks you both. @pudding21 I'm so happy for you that it's all worked out. It really gives me hope either way.

Things did get better. And he has still been trying harder up to this weekend, but began to alternate this trying harder with being absent all Saturday evenings. He has been under huge stress at work, and it transpires has been self-medicating with drink and, on a weekly-fortnightly basis, cocaine in the last two months. This is a huge no no for me. In the industry he's in, it is rife. Big party lifestyle and more people do it than don't. I can almost understand that when being under huge stress he could screw up once, but for two months?

When we're a good team, we're great. But I know he's deeply depressed and unhappy with who he is as a person, always has been. So when there's added pressure, he turns to anything else to try to cope and be someone he's not. I feel very sorry for him, but he has gone to live with his sister and is under the crisis team as he was suicidal on Monday.

So, what's stopping me? I love him. The children think he's the best dad ever (he's not), when he's well, he's brilliant. And I suppose nostalgia-we've been together since I was 14. I'm 33 now. And he so desperately wants to change. He's off work sick and says he will never go back to the industry, which I think is wise. But it goes much deeper than that. He wants to be 'normal' with normal thoughts and no anxiety, but I just don't think he is capable of it. It's all just such a mess 😞

Fairly important detail I omitted; it got so much better between us that we conceived again last November, and have a beautiful baby boy of three months; that's another reason that's stopping me.

Congratulations Dotty on the birth of your baby. I see what you are saying, we limped along for years and in between had some good times of course. I was also together with him from 17 onwards. My ex is also depressed and was miserable but refused to see any issue with "us". i still care about him, I still have love for him, but I had to stop trying to carry him as I was so tired with it all.

Is he having any therapy or treatment for his depression? My ex also has terrible anxiety. Have a look at CBD oil for anxiety and depression, I take it and its done me the world of good.

Sorry I reread and see he is under the crisis team, hope he gets the help he needs, in the meantime I hope you have support IRL also.

he so desperately wants to change

I think this is the key here!
If he recognises he wants to change and will take steps towards it, I say hang in there and support him if you can! Maybe living separately for now is good to get some space.

I bloody love you lot. They should prescribe Mumsnet on the nhs. In fact I recommended he start a thread on Mumsnet as someone would be able to help from his POV, and he has. I don't know what will happen yet. I feel like my entire life has just paused, but I know talking it through in a forum helps hugely. Thank you 😘