Lonely and sad

[swinkle]

I'm feeling really crappy about myself at the moment. DS is 8 weeks old, he's my first and will probably be my only child. We've had lots of visitors coming to see him and interest in him, but it's all coming from DH side and it's making me feel very lonely.

I used to have friends, but not for a few years now. They got married and had kids a while back, I was still single and found myself slowly getting phased out of the group. I became depressed and tried to speak to them about it but they felt awkward I suppose and didn't really know what to say to me. After a time they didn't bother with me at all. I was very angry for a long time but it has faded now - I know that good friends don't do that to each other so in the long run I'm better off without them. I don't really miss them anymore, but I do miss having friends. Each time one of DHs friends comes to visit and fawn over the baby I can't stop myself from feeling sad that no one is coming to see my baby, but his, if that makes sense? If he had had a baby with someone else the same people would be coming around and being excited to meet DHs baby, but I have no one thinking, oh swinkle's just had a baby, how lovely, we'll have to go and see them!

It's the same with family. DHs family have been all over DS and can't get enough of him. It seems we can't have a visit coming to an end without the next being arranged, which is lovely. I'm NC with my own parents due to years of emotional abuse and them being just awful, toxic people. I don't regret going NC with them at all, my life is so much better now and I feel a lot better knowing that they'll never hurt my baby as I'll never give them opportunity to do so. Still, sometimes I find myself fantasising about my mother coming around, maybe the three of us popping into town for some lunch, her fawning over my gorgeous little boy. It's not that I miss her - I don't. The type of mother I find myself imagining I have is not the mother I actually do have. If she were to come round it would be pretty unpleasant. And I love DHs family to bits, but it's not the same.

I am technically still in contact with my brother although the relationship has never been great. He very blatantly doesn't care about me or my baby. When I messaged him to tell him my baby had been born he ignored me for over a day, then made it a massive pain in the arse trying to arrange when he would come and see us. He lives a five minute walk away from us, but it took him over a week to come and see us. We've seen him only once more since then, his two visits have probably totalled less than 20 minutes during which he's held his nephew only once. I'm currently in the middle of trying to arrange to see my nephew to give him his birthday present (and to see him too, we've only seen him twice so far this year - he lives with his mum but not that far away, about a 20 minute drive or so), and he's said they can "pop in for five minutes" one day in the week. I suggested a longer visit another time if he's busy, but he refuses to commit saying he doesn't know what else to suggest. He's been this way for a long time, if it wasn't for my nephew I would have just left him to it when I went NC with my parents. But he seemed so pleased when I told him I was pregnant, I really thought he would want a relationship with his own nephew, for our kids to know their cousins. He clearly doesn't care about us though. He makes me feel like a pain in the arse for trying to get us all together.

A week ago DH went out for a meal and drinks with friends for the first time since DS was born, and I was so, so jealous. I felt so sad that he gets to have the occasional night off to unwind and have fun where I don't as I don't have anyone to do that with apart from DH himself. I resolved to leave the baby with him one day so I could at least treat myself to some alone time to relax and do what I want. I did that yesterday, went into town to enjoy having some time to do as I pleased. All I ended up doing was walking aimlessly around a park, eventually in tears as I realised that I was walking and walking and making my legs hurt from doing so purely for the sake of having "alone time". I could have gone for lunch or seen a film or something. Usually I wouldn't mind doing things like that by myself, I am an introvert so have never been a huge social butterfly anyway, but I seemed to just be surrounded by pairs and groups of friends and it occurred to me that this wasn't the same as DH having a night out on the piss with his mates at all. And I really wanted to just have my friends back, or a sister or something, to get drunk and laugh and dance and be silly with. One that had seen my little boy and adored him like all DHs friends and family have done.

I suppose that's the crux of it. I have given birth to a beautiful, funny, sweet, adorable baby, and not one single person that knows me gives a shit.

I don't really have a point with this massive post. I'm just feeling really sad. I feel like I've let DS down in some way, though why I don't know, he's certainly not short of admirers. I think I'm just feeling lonely and sorry for myself and wanting to express it. So thank you if you've read all this!

I read it and I feel a lot of empathy with you. I feel your loneliness is caused by the feelings you have from your birth family. I know about the making up stories of the perfect family, well not perfect, just a family who cares. Its gut wrenching. It feels like when the chips are down, there's no one to turn to. Dh's family sound nice, if a little overbearing. But they are just reminding you of the lack of feeling from your own family.

I don't know if I'm expressing myself well, I just wanted you to know , I get it.

I think you need to snap out of it, use the opportunity of being a new mum o join lots of groups and make new friends. Speak to your old friends too now that you have kids in common that might reignite things.

I have just had a another baby and I have cut any friends that like to wings about there lives. I have no emotional energy to carry people. Be positive enjoy your other halfs family and friends and build on there friendships. All families have issues and it's only by forgiving and moving on that they stay intact. It's not by accident, same goes for friendships

Sorry typed in Hurry on my phone. Please ignore the typos don't know how to edit

Would echo that when you feel ready go along to some mother and baby groups. It was also daunting for me to speak to new people but often there are others who take the lead or whoever runs it can make introductions. I know it doesn't help with how you currently feel about things all being one sided, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to take a deep breath and put yourself out there.

Wow, I didn't realise my post was that long! Thank you for reading it :)

Thanks ssd, I think you're right. It's the family thing that hurts the most. I'm so lucky to have DHs family, it's the first experience of a warm and loving family I have had. As lovely as they are, it does remind me of what I'm missing too.

Flourishing, I hope you're right about making friends in parents groups etc. I'm certainly going to try anyway! As for getting in touch with the friends that I wasn't good enough for when I didn't get married and have kids when they did then dumped me outright when I became depressed and desperately needed them - nah. I'd rather have no friends than cling to people who only want me when I'm "positive".

You might like to chat to your HV or GP about the possibility of pnd. This isn't to say what you're feeling isn't real, but just might be exacerbated by the baby blues or pnd.

I think you should try to develop a new social circle of your own and follow up things like baby groups and your own interests.

Thanks helhathnofury. I do try to look to the future and intend to get out there and meet new people, it will benefit my DS if nothing else. Overall I can keep a positive frame of mind about it all, it's just getting to me a bit right now because my "alone time" felt quite pathetic.