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Original poster

Do victims have egos?

33 replies

yessirnosirthreebagsfull · 27/08/2017 08:14

My sister - at age 35 -believes herself to be a victim of everything.

There is not one thing that anyone can do or say, that she does not take personally. Even things that are not about her at all.

One example of many: She was round at mine and DH's house in November and we were all chatting about Christmas and new year. DH and I mentioned that we had decided to spend new year in France, and she broke down in tears, sobbing. We couldn't understand, and then she got angry and asked me why I hadn't told her and why I'd kept it from her and why I had not invited her (it was a decision DH and I had made a couple of hours before seeing her and we never thought we had to ask her permission.)

She covets things that she perceives other people have - holidays, meals out, clothes etc - often very normal, not expensive or flashy things, but she believes herself to be the victim of not having them - if you see what I mean? She believes she is entitled to whatever anyone else has and she experiences actual anger at not having them.

She is on social media a lot looking at other people's lives and feeling angry that her life is not like that.

When I have talked to her about it and reminded her not to take things personally and not to compare other's "highlights" to her normal life, she has simply reminded me of her victim status: how she has nothing, is unloved, no money, has had a hard life, how her ego is very very small and that she needs to be protected and looked after and given things.

She is always trying to do some self improvement, and it is mostly quite navel gazing things, like astrology or tarot cards, or life coaches who tell her that she needs to build her ego and "shine." She believes that it is other people who "dampen" her light and that she is way overdue an opportunity to overcome other people's abuse and persecution of her.

She recently sent an email to me and about ten other people asking us to list her best qualities, her worst qualities, what job we think she should do, what we think of when we think about her. Apparently it was something her life coach asked her to do.

She insists she has no ego, but I see a lot of ego in the things she does. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/08/2017 08:20

She doesn't sound very happy. Could she be lonely, insecure, unsure of who she is or what she wants? Have you tried showing empathy towards her?

Velvian · 27/08/2017 08:21

I imagine it is quite stressful for you to spend time with her. I think she needs some no nonsense treatment from you. Be firmer with her. Do not engage with the self pity & maybe ask her to do some things for you occasionally. Maybe suggest she put her time & money into qualifications to boost her earning potential. Encourage her to start at the bottom as she will get to the top quicker than if she carries on with get rich quick schemes.

troodiedoo · 27/08/2017 08:26

She sounds infuriating. Life coach indeed! I hope you didn't reply to her wanky email.

Not a lot you can do though, other that refuse to indulge her and encourage her to live in the real world.

TheNaze73 · 27/08/2017 08:26

She sounds draining. Give yourself some distance from her

leighdinglady · 27/08/2017 08:27

Urgh it's so exhausting. My dad was king of the victims (5 divorces and all the 5 women were 100% at fault Hmm)

Yes there is ego involved. How can you have such a strong sense of entitlement without thinking you deserve to be the centre of the universe?

Gorgosparta · 27/08/2017 08:27

I have come across people like this.

Have tried empathy, helping but they wont change unless they want to.

Personally i think people kike yiu have described have big egos. They expect everything to be done for them and for everyones world to revolve around them. The trip to france for example. She expected for you to plan around her and involve her immeadiately.

They can not understand why everything is not given to them. Because they are so important, why doesnt everyone want to do everything to make them happy.

In its extreme, its a mental health issue.

You also have to remember that a counsellor will only get her side. Which will not be an accurate reflection of the actual situation.

ScarletForYa · 27/08/2017 08:30

I think that's possibly a mental health issue or maybe a learning difficulty of some kind.

HughLauriesStubble · 27/08/2017 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwitterQueen1 · 27/08/2017 08:46

I sympathise. It's a deeply ingrained mindset that I don't think you (or anyone else) will be able to change.

She needs CBT and probably counselling too, but because people like this firmly believe everyone else is the problem, not them, they are highly unlikely to seek help of any kind.

I think that all you can do is gently push back each and every time something crops up. Maybe one day she will take some of it onboard.

Kr1stina · 27/08/2017 08:56

I think she has a lazy and gullible personality and has had her head turned by all the nonsense she listens to ( tarot cards etc, crap life coach ) .

But I'm not sure what you can do except be firm with her ( which she will read as not understanding her ) or distancing yourself ( which she will see as not caring ) .

So it's tough .

It's a shame she's spending all this time / money on shit advice rather than applying herself to her career or a constructive hobby .

Offred · 27/08/2017 08:57

Sounds narcissistic.

A massive ego but one that is constantly wounded by not getting what it thinks it deserves.

She's not into self improvement, she's getting narc supply.

If she was into self improvement she'd be able to criticise herself and she'd be in therapy with a proper therapist not doing all this quackery.

JK1773 · 27/08/2017 09:01

My sister is like this but with it goes a vile rage which is directed at me. She can't even look at me without becoming furious. I mean really angry. It's heartbreaking to me because I love her but I'm NC with her now for my own sanity

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/08/2017 09:12

What was she like as a child and young adult; how did your parents treat her and what do they think of her now?. What have been their roles in this particular dynamic?.

I also thought "narcissism" when it comes to your sister, my narcissistic BIL also plays the victim role and its everyone else's fault except his.

pigeondujour · 27/08/2017 09:29

She sounds really draining. I feel for you. I think it's best to just not engage. Hard, though.

2rebecca · 27/08/2017 09:33

Agree re possible narcissism, although a lot of people with low self confidence can come across as self centred as they can be focussing far too much on themselves and how they are feeling and how other people perceive them that they waste all their emotional energy on that rather than interacting with people and enjoying themselves

HadronCollider · 27/08/2017 09:44

I feel for her, she sounds very unhappy. I had a very traumatic childhood and struggle with similar 'woe is me' feelings at times and envy at others fortunes etc (yuck). The thing is I know my thinking is not right and the result of deep feelings of inferiority growing up. I eventually had CBT with helped greatly. I would suggest she try it, perhaps deep down she lacks a positive self image. People like this are rarely happy with themselves.

Offred · 27/08/2017 09:52

The main difference between narcissism and self involvement is entitlement.

You've described perfectly someone who doesn't feel sad, doesn't have empathy for others, doesn't spend time thinking about how to achieve goals they have but feels enraged that they don't have the things they 'just know' they are entitled to.

That's narcissism.

Offred · 27/08/2017 09:56

Whatever you do do not start feeling sorry for her or assuming this is coming from a place of unhappiness. If she is a narc this exactly the kind of supply she will be trying to extract.

MissHemsworth · 27/08/2017 10:20

OP you have just described my sister! She's deffo a narc She is SUCH hard work & unbelievably entitled. She has a massive yet incredibly fragile ego and loses her shit big time when her ego gets dented, yet is incredibly self congratulatory at even the smallest achievement. It's a shame as when she's acting 'normal' she's fab & I love spending time with her.

How does your sister fare with friends/jobs/other relationships etc?

LesisMiserable · 27/08/2017 10:24

She's not narcissistic she's spoiled.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/08/2017 10:34

Sounds like your sister has a massive id and a weak ego. It also sounds as though she is not that bothered about changing. No one else can strengthen her ego for her. Giving her what she wants won't do it.

LesisMiserable · 27/08/2017 10:47

Dione I thought id was just instinct driven inbuilt core of a human and cant be defined by size? I could be wrong though.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/08/2017 11:11

Perhaps "dominant" would be a better word.

HoldOnHoldOn · 27/08/2017 11:44

Maybe. Or maybe she's incredibly lonely, unhappy and insecure and is reaching out to you. Perhaps. Perhaps not.

HoldOnHoldOn · 27/08/2017 11:46

Sometimes when you've got a lot of turmoil and despair going on inside you it can come out as anger.