Please help me deal with my lack of resources to reassure my dd about normal childhood things

[Justifiedsometimes]

I find this quite hard to describe and more than anything I'm looking to understand what is really going on for me.

I was physically cared for very well as a child - always well dressed, educated, given opportunities. But I was not given any emotional resourcefulness or reassurance. I was often left from a young age, to simply deal with very emotionally or physically painful things by myself. Everything from childhood illness to fears, and later on, to things happening in my life (like friendship problems, break ups.) My parents' attitude was that they simply did not recognise these things as painful and did not want to deal with them, and that I should speak to them again when I am "over it." I did find coping mechanisms for some things but I'd hardly say they were healthy ones , for example dissociation, and later drinking, over or under eating.

I have a dd who is 3 years old and 1year old twins. DD is at the stage where she is starting to have little fears and is becoming very emotional about things. She also catches illnesses like most small children. And I just do not have the resources to know how to deal with it. I have the will to help her, and I do, but every time I do I feel like it is very traumatic for me.

One example: she has recently developed a fear of the dark. Normal. I have started to leave a little light on for her to reduce her fear, as I read that it s what you can do. But the whole process of hearing her express her fear, and hear her experiencing it or crying, is very triggering for me and I don't feel I have the internal resources to make things better for her. For example, my childhood consisted of a "strictly lights out at 7pm" policy. If you got up in the night for any reason, even illness, you were shouted at to get back into bed. I'd be grappling around in the dark and experienced tremendous fear, and then pre-emptive fear going to bed, anticipation about what the night had in store, rather than feeling positive and reassured.

That's just one example but there are many things very similar to that, all connected to this terrified, helpless feeling. And I think they will keep cropping up as many of them are just typical childhood things.

Do you recognise this? And how did you get over it?

Sorry, I don't recognise, your experiences as a child don't sound typical. Even though my parents could be crap, they were better at respecting my needs than that. You sound like you would benefit from counselling.

I think you sound amazing to be breaking this cycle for your dd! You have the self awareness to recognise her need, and it must take enormous courage to face into all that suppressed pain when it's often psychologically easier to push it down, push her away and perpetuate the cycle.

I think counselling would be enormously beneficial for you, as it will allow you to examine some of these feelings in a safe place without worrying about overwhelming your dd with your reaction.

You are doing a very brave and loving thing

In terms of resources, you'll probably find you have much more than you realise once you start to deal with your own pain. even in your op it's obvious you have good instincts.
Generally you can't make the fears go away- there really is no magic wand. It's about giving your dd a safe place to express her fear, so that she can learn how to manage difficult emotions, it's a process that evolves over years really. Listening, not judging, hugs, and a little bit of judicious googling (like you did with the nightlight issue) covers the bulk of it.

It may help to google emotion coaching

Oh op you poor thing. Your parents sound awful. You must have suffered so much.

The thing with children is they mostly just need help naming their emotions. "You're feeling a bit worried aren't you darling?" This sets them up for adulthood well because the key to all emotional management is being able to describe what you're feeling to yourself and others.

And then after that, they need some help problem solving. "What do you think might help?" - pause, cuddle, leave some space verbally for the to make a suggestion. Then offer some suggestions of your own "how about we put a light in with you?" "Let's read this book about the dark." "Let's draw a picture of the dark." "Let's pray / sing a song about being friends with the dark." Etc. All given with genuine interest and enough space for the to contribute their own ideas. The best suggestions for small kids are usually play, story or song based ime.

At age 3 they mostly need a physical cuddle. But talking about solutions helps prepare for when they are older and can work to help solve their own issues. Again this sets them up for adulthood - teaching them that emotions aren't to be feared, just deal with calmly, and sometimes it's ok to just feel them, not try to escape them.

Remember your job isn't to make the fear disappear. It's to model ways to cope with fear, ways to problem solve, staying calm even when emotions are strong, reminding them that all emotions are temporary - that sort of thing.

Wrt your feeling triggered. You'd benefit so much from counselling to learn to cope with those feelings yourself. And by going to counseling, you'll learn techniques for strong emotions that you can then teach to your children. It's a win win for all of you. CBT and mindfulness are two approaches that might help in particular.

Bless you for wanting to do better for your children x

In the example given, practically and emotionally speaking, you're doing the right things for your DD. However, there's one thing you can do to support your daughter now and in the future and that's looking after her mum.

What support have you accessed for yourself? Have you had any trauma therapy? Despite your childhood experiences your instinct is to comfort and protect your DD, that's says a lot about you as a person and as a mother. Given that your DD's normal childhood experiences are triggering your own childhood abuse and neglect, now is the time to show the same love you have for your DD, to yourself.

As others have said you sound like you're doing a great job with your daughter. I also agree that counselling is a good idea.

Have you tried reading books such as the Owl who was afraid of the dark with her?

Wow OP, you sound amazing. .

I agree that counselling would probably help you. Good luck!

As already said awareness is a great starting point. Definitely agree with counselling. I had my own set of issues from childhood..not the same as yours and counselling really helped. One little tip that l have tried to hold onto is..deal with whats happening in front of your eyes right now..so no panicking about the future eg oh she is going to grow up like me now or as much as possible at that moment no rushing back to the past but just deal with the present situation..l hope that makes sense. Trust your own mothering as you sound like a sensitive, emotionally aware person. But do go for counselling.

It makes me tear up to read these responses. Thank you.

Those are exactly the answers I needed. Exactly!

As well as counselling, a parenting course might help. I did "Incredible Years" which had a big chunk about helping children identify their emotions and build emotional resilience. It was very useful.

You're doing brilliantly well in recognising what needs doing OP, and this is an excellent place to get strategies that work.

I had a similar, though not as extreme childhood to you, and I discovered that every time I helped DS through something I was sort of re-parenting myself if you get that? All the thinking "why did no one say this to me?", But I started to say those things to myself too; treating DS like an actual person with real needs and preferences also helped me do the same for myself, so I could take a step back and ask myself what I also needed at that point and make that happen.

Does that make sense? I second (third, fourth?) the recommendation for counselling if you can get it, and I also get the impression you're a lot more resilient than you give yourself credit for. Keep doing what you're doing

I recognise this.

Get counselling to help with your feelings around it all.

Practically, for your daughter, think about how your parents would have reacted, what their words/rules/response would have been. Think about how you would have liked them to handle it instead. Do that. I called it "opposite parenting". What would my parents do? I shall do the opposite. It's served me amazingly so far! (Mine are 18 and 11)

My son went through a similar fear of the dark phase at a similar age. I had a similar experience to you. What I did was think about why the dark is quiet. Something could be hiding there; the dark can feel oppressive; we are quiet in the dark and that just makes it worse because we feel we are hiding....

We decided to break the quiet and behave in ways that you don't behave in the dark so we could scare it back. We waited until it was dark and we stomped around his room laughing. We banged things shouting "I'm not scared of you, dark!" and similar things. The dark realised we were a force to be reckoned with and wasn't scary any more

The heavy, intense feeling of the dark disappeared after that. Sometimes he still shouted "I'm not scared of you, dark!" if he was worried.

I don't know if that would help your daughter?

I meant why the dark is scary. It's because it's quiet.

Nowadays your childhood experience is recognised as emotional abuse and neglect.
Try Running on Empty by Jonice Webb. There is a list of emotions at the back for you and your DC to point to when you can't think of the name.
A natural consequence for you is most likely near constant anxiety and elevated cortisol. No one taught you how to calm yourself down when you were a child when you needed to be shown self-soothing strategies for emotional regulation (Google both terms).

A good counsellor can help you recognise the signs when it surfaces and manage it. Techniques include mindfulness, 7/11 breathing (breathe in for a count of 7 and out for 11), distractions (e.g. keep a box containing a colouring book, nail varnish, bubble blower to regulate breathing and help cope with difficult moments), writing a journal, exercise, getting out in nature or just your garden to feel the wind in your hair, the sun on your skin, the grass/soil/sand between your toes.
Do you find you have difficulty relaxing and are on the go all the time so you don't have time to notice your feelings? Feeling better is all about slowing down a bit and having the courage to take the time to notice your feelings ebbing and flowing like waves, safe in the knowledge that no single one lasts indefinitely.
I think you are already doing a much better job with your own DC than you think. It's true, think how your own parents would have reacted in a situation and do the opposite.
Essentially your DC need your hugs, your time, to feel listened to, to have their wishes respected. It's ok to relax household rules from time to time in order to accommodate someone being upset.
As they get older ask them how they feel and what their opinions are, so they know they matter , their opinions matter , they have the freedom to speak and the space to be heard .
Model a healthy internal life for them by talking about how you feel, your thoughts and your emotions in everyday conversation with them.
I've hinted a lot at a word to get comfortable with but which you were denied as a child: feelings.