Advice!

[Munch123]

Hello ladies,

I'm after some advice.

I received a message on Facebook today from someone who said they had matched with my husband on tinder and they've been talking a lot over the past few weeks.

She found him out that he was married and stopped talking to him. They has exchanged selfies, and mentioned meeting up post her holiday.

We have been married a year next weekend and I feel utterly broken.

Any help anyone?

Are you sure she was telling the truth? Is there any evidence such as his profile information?
This may not be true.

I can understand thatt you feel very upset . I would be beside myself but you need some more proof before you ask DH his side of the story

I would ask her to send screenshots.

Have the screen shots of the whatsapps. Silly things like knowing our cats name etc. Is real. He has also admitted it. Said he wanted "attention".

Divorce him. Now. Hopefully you don't have children.

How awful and devastating OP. It sounds as if this is out of the blue and you hadn't detected that anything in your marriage was amiss-am I right?

I can imagine you've come and posted on here because you don't feel ready to share this with friends or family. You've come to the right place. I posted on here almost three years ago when I found out my then BF was using prostitutes! I found it immensely helpful in getting my thoughts and feelings in order.

Post when you want to/need to. Vent. Analyse the whole relationship so far. Get a whole range of perspective. My experience of MN is that it is very protective of "its own"-that includes you and me-and most posters will tell you to leave him.

Sorry, I'd leave him. Married less than a year and this is how your marriage is? Its not going to get better. His behaviour will deteriorate. Easy for me to say leave him, I know, but I don't know what else you could do except stay married, never trust him and he posting for advice in 3/5/10 years asking how to leave your cheating husband and protect your kids etc etc

Really sorry to hear it.
Did he admit it straight away? Is he sorry and has he done it before were my questions. What do you think you want to do now?

I'm sorry to hear this, you must be all over the place at the moment. Only you know if you can get past this.

I'd divorce him before it gets more complicated. He'll do it again.

Leave or spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder? You'll become more imsecure and he'll more than likely keep doing it cos he's an arse and probably always will be. There are many of these threads and it always ends the same.

How sad and devastating for you. If you were my daughter or son I'd say leave, no matter how difficult.
He has cheated and will do it again. Go now and make a new life for yourself.
I hope you eventually meet someone who deserves you.

I think it's very telling and important that he said the reason he did this is because he wanted "attention." That says to me he is saying this is YOUR fault because you don't give him enough. Bullshit. He's a cheater, and if you stay with him, not only will he 100% cheat again, he will get much smarter about it. Get rid and move on.

I have two children (5) from a previous relationship (and this is practically history repeating itself - I sure do pick them!) and I'm worried what the impact will be on them. They were only 6 months old when I separated from their father so impact wasn't too much on them at that stage.

He says he is sorry and admits he has fckd up and it was just for attention. We are due to go on our belated honeymoon on 09/09 but I'm not sure I can stomach that.

He has a job which involves lots of socialising with clients and travelling with work so I am always going to be wondering if that is what he will be doing in the future - or even if that was what he was doing in the past.

I have spoken to my mother who says these things happen in relationships and you have to work through the bumps but I think it's bigger than a minor bump...

We'll, do you believe him? Have you seen his tinder profile? Is it still active? Is there evidence of other women on there?

Why did he even have a profile? That means he sought out connections / affairs. To me, that's not the same as being flattered by the attention of someone else Whom he happened to be around. I think I would worry that this was not the only person.
When did you find out and how has he been since then?

My advice is still to leave. I'd say the same to my DCs and I'd support them.
This is not a bump!

Your mother isn't the one who has to be married to him. Easy for her to say just work through the "bumps." And by the way, normally, I would agree with her. Marriage is hard and people make mistakes. But what is different about your case is that your husband purposely made a fucking Tinder account with the sole reason to cheat. He didn't just have an emotional affair with a woman he knows from work who he is around all day. He wanted a hookup with a stranger.

Id pack his bags - he's broken a boundary. No
Going back from there. X

This happened to friends DD, turned out he was doing it even before they were married. They are now getting divorced. They never change and what goes through their heads I will never know. If you want this for the rest of your married life, carry on but you and your children deserve better. You will never be able to trust him again.

Leave him

He's broken your trust

How can you trust him now what a A hole.

He is sorry he got found out. Unfortunately there is every chance that he will do it again. I had same problem with both my husbands(I can pick em too!!)..
I am really sorry that you are going through this because I know how painful it is.
Your mother is totally wrong and is basically saying it's ok for you to be treated like crap.
The trust has gone and it never comes back ever. He does not deserve you that's for sure

Given he's away from home such a lot, I'd dump him now. You wouldn't have a clue what he was up to when he wasn't with you.

It's horrible for you - so sorry.

If you stay your life will be miserable as you will always fret and be on edge when he's away. A relationship without trust is soul destroying.

I intensely dislike the entitled attitude of partners/ spouses who message an ex or go off and register on dating sites because they're bored or want some attention and I don't believe this sense of entitlement ever goes away. It might lie dormant all the time they feel they're the centre of your world but the minute the kids or work take your attention he's off increasing his digital footprint. A good man would talk to you or suggest things to do as a couple not sign up to tinder or (as my XH did) shag someone else.

I'm so sorry. I know the shock, anger and sadness you're feeling.

I have spoken to my mother who says these things happen in relationships and you have to work through the bumps but I think it's bigger than a minor bump..

Nope. Fuck that. You'll never trust him again, and for good reason too.