How much change is important after a break up?

[MeButD1fferent]

Hi all - regular lurker, first time poster.

I am currently having a few counselling sessions as I am still struggling to come to terms with the end of my marriage (background: separated one year, h walked out, not yet divorced).

Counsellor asked me what I want from life and other than 'a family' I could not think of anything. Health obviously and the usual stuff too. I felt she wanted to hear some lifelong ambition which my marriage kept me from achieving. Truth is though, I never had any other than job, hobbies, family. I could go anything I wanted in my marriage. I like travelling but I don't feel the need to trek through the jungle just because I'm getting divorced. Equally, she couldn't convince me to radically change jobs or do 'something crazy' just because I can. I always could but never wanted to.

I'm lonely and the only thing I really want are more friends but it's hard at 35 to form new relationships that last longer than the hour of an evening class etc.

Am I standing in my own way to be happy again? Do I need to shake things up more? How have other people handled this?

I'm 3 years into single life. I'll be honest, another relationship is something I'm 50/50 on. I miss company, but according to my ex I was hardly a joy to live with. I'll admit, I was a depressed, grumpy git.

My counselor for depression suggested I should change job (major depression cause). I never did because for all of its many downsides, it paid the mortgage.

After the split, I changed not just job, but profession also. Best thing I ever did. Apart from my kids.

But, in a personal context, I'm still adrift. 14 years of someone else leads to "who am I now?". The kids keep me happy, but without them.. Well..

I've started cycling, swimming again, took the kids climbing (not done in 30 years), intend on trying canoeing again, maybe archery classes.. Keep myself busy, try and find "me".

You don't have to do change, or crazy. Just learn to be you again, and say "life is for living".. Try things, and relax about things.

If it helps, I'm 40..😂

Thank you, daddy. It's tricky isn't it. I do genuinely love my job and would be at a loss without it. I like going to work in the morning.

I have been trying new things too, learn a language, joined a choir, but I do wonder at times whether I'm genuinely interested in these things or whether it's 'something to do' or masking that deep down I'm lonely and unhappy. I would love kids more than anything and struggle with the thought that it now might never happen.