His anxiety and deppression

[spudlike1]

Make me scream .
He vomits down the toilet most mornings before work , he shouts at the children (eldest has started answering back)
He never wants sex our sex drives have always been mismatched ( i want, need more) He is unable to give me emotional support when ever i open up about things that are bothering me it ends in an argument.
We have a difficult summer , couldn't afford a hoilday, couldnt afford planned for new kitchen have over spent on days out with children and now have money
Worries. Constant disagreements about how to spend our free time , we always follow his hobbies they're more suited to the children but I end up fed up.
Im not perfect, i almost had an affair started to rely emotionally on a male freind online.

What do you get out of this, what keeps you still with this individual who in turn is making your own lives hell?. Why can't you separate completely?. Its of no surprise at all that you started to rely on a male online friend but two wrongs here do not make a right.

How much of this is actually due to him really being abusive?. Depression and anxiety does not give anyone carte blanche to treat others abusively.

Is this what you want your children to learn about relationships, what do you think they are learning here from seeing the two of you?. Is this really what you want to show them, for this to potentially become their norm too?

Womens Aid can and will help you here but you need to take that first, often the most hardest of steps yourself to extricate yourselves from this individual.

Sorry hadnt finished ......he's on anti d's, but they dont help with the anxiety.
There's a constant stressful undertone between us . I'm lacking patience and losing tolerance . He scolded me yesterday morning when i made a sexual advance .
He loves me very much, and tries really hard ( too hard sometimes) I feel very deppressed by it all, its been like this for years ......what would you do

In a word; leave.

He is not for changing and you cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be rescued and or saved. His shouting at the children and daily vomiting episodes are horrific; is this really what you want your children to remember about their childhoods?. And what are they going to think of you when they are adults as well particularly if you do not remove yourselves from this. Will they simply accuse you of being weak and putting this man above them?.

What is in this relationship for you; why are you still there at all?. How does he love you very much?.

If you're married you should try getting help for him first and discussing what the issues are. If he refuses and makes no concessions at all then you have justification to seek a more permanent resolution. See if he will at least see his go again and get referred to talking therapies and have his meds situation checked as he is clearly on the wrong ones.

GP not go

Being anxioius and depressed is no excuse for making a partner's life a living hell, witholding affection and sex, shouting at DCs, and being a Mr Angry..

He has issues and needs to work on getting them sorted. You can support him but o remember HE is the one who needs to initiate it, you're not to run around aiming to sort it all out (a) you are not medically qualified & (b) you need support yourself. You are unhappy, and in an unhappy situation. Its no time to be playing Nurse Rescue

He loves me very much, and tries really hard ( too hard sometimes)

^Sorry, NONE of what you say correlates with this and anyway, who would want to be shown 'love' in this way? An angry shouty supposedly anxious man who doesn't even want to make love with you and spurns your sexual advances making you feel bad?!

For the sake of yourself and your DCs who also do not need this shit toxic situation in their young lives, it could be that you're best of out of it. Even reading your post is headache material, unless your DH gets up and out there to get help and advice for himself, then you're on a miserable road to nowhere

I was going to ask if he is shouty and angry with friends and non-family members..that selective anger thing reserved for behind doors with partner, but outside with others perfectly reasonable..

Still, what matters is how he is with you. He is actively disrupting family life and it needs to stop

My partner also suffers from anxiety and is frequently sick most mornings. It is awful and yet I feel unable to confront it as it would make me appear unsupported but the constant negativity is really hard to love with.

Yes it is very hard to live with . The anxiety is constantly there under the surface . He is outwardly fun and sociable and hard working . But the cracks appear, he is permanently exhausted , we are both walking on egg shells so as not to upset each other. I loose my patience more often these days with him . I feel very down .
Im booking into counselling to help with my stress at work and im scared of the inevitable conversations which will occur around leaving the marriage . I dont feel like i love him anymore but were married so we should just try harder

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. My partner is also constantly exhausted and it really effects our family life. I think you have to be true to yourself and do whats right for you x

What are you going to do lolo?

I have suffered anxiety and depression in the past. I wanted to be hit by a bus so I could go into a coma. I know it was very hard for my family, especially the longest episode, which last nine months. But if I thought my partner was going to leave me because they had got fed up of it, I probably would have walked in front of that bus. If, and I hope you don't, you suffer a severe episode of anxiety and depression, and became unable to cope with the needs of others (because you can barely cope with the bare minimum of your own existence), how would you feel if you knew he was thinking the way you are?

I understand how hard it is for you. But it's much harder for him. I hope he gets better, and you both can find happiness.

AllFallDown at what point is a spouse allowed to accept that they cannot help and that their partner will not help themselves sufficiently? At which point in your logic is someone allowed to look after themselves? Your post has made me very angry. I am also that person who is about to walk away. In my case the demon is alcohol. And I am done, my DDs are done, my H has to take responsibility for his own life now. And you know what? I am completely at peace with that.

OP's H is an adult, he is responsible for his own mental wellbeing. OP has DCs to consider. So stop victim blaming.

It's hard, isn't it. My DH has anxiety and depression and PTSD and is 'Mr Angry' all the freaking time. I was nodding along as I read your post, OP, as I could well have written it myself (though DH doesn't vomit that I know of). It's been going on - and increasing - for over 5 years and I finally, about a month ago, convinced him he needed to go to the GP as I just couldn't live like this any more.

He's now on anti-dep and I'm not sure how much help they are/will be. He's on a waiting list for computer-based counselling (never heard of this before but if it works I'll be their biggest champion). His GP wants to refer him to see whether he is bipolar (quite possible - very strong family history and some of his behaviour fits perfectly). In the meantime, for now, we continue with the daily yelling at everyone through gritted teeth, slammed doors, things ripped out of the kids hands and smashed on the floor when they don't do what he wants, the no patience, the self-loathing.

I really just wanted to say I empathise, but try to get him to consider talking to his GP (easier said than done, i know, took me several years to convince mine!). If the meds aren't helping then they need to be reviewed and possibly changed. If he won't go, then you can contact his GP to explain your concerns - s/he won't be able to discuss your DH's details with you, but s/he will want to know if their patient is unwell, they could ask him to come in for a review if they are concerned enough by your comments.

Also - although I understand pp comments that you should be there to support him, he needs you etc - this may well be the case but we all have a breaking point and I think you, like me, are reaching it. In my case, 5 years of supporting DH (emotionally and financially - I'm the breadwinner), sorting out his messes (he has problems with compulsive behaviour around money and I'm currently - yet again! -
trying to fill a 3k shortfall that he's managed to create), apologising to everyone for his awful temper, making sure he bothers to turn up to pick the kids up from school whilst I'm hours away for work (he's forgotten several times) and trying to make sure he still has a decent relationship with his kids by mediating on a daily basis. There's only so long you can tolerate bad behaviour from someone who is supposed to be your partner. I'm beyond exhausted, exasperated, and - as another pp said - wondering what the heck i get out of all of this. At this point in time I'm hoping we can work through this, but we'll see.

Good luck

It's incredibly difficult living with someone with depression. It really is a very selfish illness.

My DP had 6 months off work last year due to it & I had a serious think about leaving. He was snappy with the kids, lazy round the house & avoided all responsibilities. I was fed up with trying to keep all the plates spinning (home, money, work, kids) all our savings had gone & we couldn't pay the mortgage. Fucking horrendous.

Is your DP getting any help? NHS waiting lists can be very long (e.g. CBT) & sessions limited. Not helping himself would be a deal-breaker for me.

Would it be helpful to set a time limit in your head? Or work out your deal-breakers?

It's very hard to like, never mind love someone who is behaving like that, and I do think that you need to protect your children first & foremost.