Emotional affair- am I being a mug?

[muddylettuce]

Dp had an emotional affair. He told me in July. It was a work colleague. He says after some flirting he asked her 'how are we going to have an affair' she replied 'I thought you would have an idea?'
Following this he came clean. He told me exactly what had happened and I should add I believe him, he is honest to a fault and to be honest our lives are so busy and centred around home there is no way anything physical happened. He says he felt flattered because she is younger and showed him attention and I wasn't. He didn't want to hurt me, or leave the family, but he also knew that it had problems happened because things weren't quite right in our relationship.

Background is that we are early 30's, together 7 years, 4 year old and 2 year old children. He works full time, I work part time. We work shifts, overlapping slightly so we don't require childcare and get less than 6 days off together a month.
Since this all broke, we have talked a lot and decided to work on our relationship, it's not really work, it's just prioritising us for a change- dates, affection etc. Two months later he says it feels a bit silly, he no longer is attracted to her, thinks he probably never was attracted to her per se; just the excitement and flattery. We have made time to go out on dates, more than we have in the last two years, we have been more intimate and I am changing my shift pattern so we have more time off together. He still works with her but willingly deleted her from social media, WhatsApp etc.
I still don't trust him though and it's driving a bit of a wedge. I trusted him 100% before all this and I feel like I am having an out of body experience, I don't feel myself at all. I keep looking at his phone and I am probably being a bit controlling as far as him going out goes. I want to let go of this paranoia and mistrust but I just keep wondering if I am being a bit of a mug? He doesn't take well to being told what not to do so it's causing more arguments than we have ever had before. Should I be over it by now?

No. He broke a fundamental rule of relationships and it might be a few weeks later but there's no timescale for forgiveness. You don't have to be over it simply because he is. You can take as long as you like to put the hurt behind you. You can choose never to put it behind you, if you like.

Are you arguing more because he resents not being trusted? He needs to accept that the trust issue is his. I appreciate that young children and work can make a relationship tricky but the choice to engage in an EA was his alone. If he can't face up to that and accept that it's damaged your faith in him, how does he hope to restore your trust?

Muddy, I have no idea.

However, have you talked to him calmly about how you feel now? Does he know you're finding it hard to move on? He says he's feeling a bit silly about it so it sounds as though he realises it was fluff, and it might surprise him that you're not in the same place.

I know you get so little time together, but it might be worth devoting some of that to couples counselling to help you both get to a new place. Sometimes it's difficult to work through this kind of stuff on your own. x

"Should I be over it by now?"

No, and clearly you are not anyway. Actually you may never get over this betrayal of his going forward either. How dare he state as well that because you were not showing him enough attention he decides to look elsewhere to get that fix. Another red flag re him to my mind is that he does not take well to being told what not to do. Who died and made him king?. You call him DP; are you not married to this man?.

What do you want ultimately; what about you and your feelings here. You need time and space to think and he really has not given you either. A few piecemeal changes are made and he carries on as before whilst you are still floundering about. Did you not ask him to move out upon discovery?. I presume also that he does not want to get another job.

Your feelings need proper acknowledgement and through counselling as well. Look into this for your own self, you need to talk in a calm safe environment.

If you are talking as well about July of this year that was last month too. How long did this emotional affair last?. Did this all come out too in dribs and drabs from him; you may well not know the full extent of this even now.

You don't have to be over it just because that would be the most convenient scenario for him.

He has broken your trust and he should be moving heaven and earth to rebuild it - if that means you wanting access to his phone, to know where he's going on a night out, to have him check in while he's out with his friends, then so be it. This is your natural response to his betrayal, and may last for some time.

I wonder why he told you, when he could have ended it without telling you or hurting you.

Whoooo yes, he is upset I don't trust him. He says without trust we have nothing. However he does recognise it will take time. He has never like being told what to do so the fact I don't trust him is naturally making me try and have a bit of control is making him act out. He says I was always the laid back one and he was the needy one. Seemingly he doesn't like this role reversal.
Attila we're not married, engaged. He came clean off his own back, we have always said we would be honest. Plus he is a shit liar. That something was wrong was written all over his face, I just didn't expect it to be that. I did ask him to leave then I decided I was reacting out of anger so retracted.
Peppals I think you have hit the nail on the head. I think he does see it as insignificant, what was exciting and turned his head is now not. It's over for him with her. I think he probably does miss the excitement though. This is his longest relationship, and it is different to when we started out. Obviously. He says he loves me, is attracted to me, doesn't want to leave me and the kids and feels guilty for what happened.

He says without trust we have nothing

I agree completely. But he has to accept that the betrayal of trust was his choice. That he engaged in something that's broken your trust. Do not succumb to his "lets get over it" thing where you chew down your worry and mistrust; burying this won't change or erase it. It will just make life easier for him and frankly, if he wanted an easy fuss-free life he shouldn't have had an EA.

Well I would say that you have a lot of positives here.

He confessed without prompting.

He's reflected on his behaviour to a certain extent, though I'd say he still has work to do in that regard.

He shouldn't just expect the trust to return and he's right in that without trust, you have nothing, but he broke that trust.... So he needs to earn it back and be patient with you.

I think relationship counselling might help and/or him reading and educating himself on how the betrayed spouse feels.

A good place to start is www.survivinginfidelity.com

I think it's great that you've both spoken openly about what happened, what contributed to it, what changes you can make as a result. (although I note that you're the one who has changed your shifts)

But... he wasn't just spending a bit too much time chatting to her. He said "how are we going to have an affair?"

Frankly, no fucking wonder you don't trust him! I wouldn't either.

There are two tests of your relationship going on here:

• how you cope with his attempted infidelity (what if her answer had been "by you saying you have to work late, but coming back to mine - NOW?")

I think you're both doing well on that test, lots of proactive steps.

• how he copes with the fact he made a pretty massive nasty fuck up.

And he's failing that one right now. He needs to understand that just weeks later (weeks!) he doesn't get to whine about trust.

How dare he say that he's upset you don't trust him and that without trust there is nothing?

Part of me would like you to say to his whiny-arsed little face "you're so right - thank you for the clarity - we're over".

SandyY2K thank you. I agree, although I can't forgive the EA, there are positives. I am trying to focus on those. I suspect I am trying his patience. I have become someone neither of us recognise and I know he feels responsible, as he should, and I also think this insecure me is a constant reminder of his guilt which he is finding tough. As for me I feel as if I am having an out of body experience, I don't recognise myself and that is what I am finding hard as much as trusting him again. I don't like who I have become, having read the responses above I think both of us need to embrace that for a bit in order to heal.

Elisandra
Part of me would like you to say to his whiny-arsed little face "you're so right - thank you for the clarity - we're over"

yes yes yes, I have almost said that so many times. Ultimately though, it's not what I want...and I try not to react out of spite or anger, because it's not just me involved here. We have two children who neither of us want to hurt. They have never seen us argue. Up until a month ago that is.

I totally understand having been there , albeit in a different way. I am an incredibly trusting person who suddenly has turned into Jemima bond 007, I also now ask questions, call him out and stand up for myself, all of which had been suppressed over21 years and he doesn't I think like it much, I too got the without trust what's the point, but the point is it wasn't me that broke the trust . 9 months later I haven't left but am still sizzling , I won't however put myself in a worse position personally so will as lawyer advised me , see how it goes and make sure I'm in a better personal position

yetmorecrap I understand that. It was also a concern of mine. I don't want to be sizzling 9 months down the line. Did you go to counseling? I am not sure if my dp will go for it, but it might help me.

I find it really sad that you say you're not sure if your boyfriend would go for counselling.

If he truly is sorry for his actions, if he truly feels responsible for how you are behaving and feeling right now, then there should be no doubt in your mind that he would go, if you asked.

He's allowed to think counselling is a waste of time.
He's allowed to think counselling is fine for other people but he sure as fuck doesn't want to TALK TO A STRANGER WHEN HE KNOWS HE'S IN THE WRONG

But... if he don't cut shows ZERO commitment to fixing this.

Right now, he should be in a jumping through hoops, I will do anything to fix this stage.

This is less than 2 months post revelation, and already you're not even sure if he'd go to counselling - when on top of the fact he should do ANYTHING, counselling is the bog standard suggested answer to these situations.

Honestly, I would tell him you want you both to go to counselling - and if he won't, you have your answer very clearly just how much effort he's prepared to put in. And god knows you can't come back from this without a hell of a lot of effort.

Well as he told you without prompting that is a huge difference to being caught out.

He is unrealistic that you would have all moved on in only eight weeks. But with three small dc and a domestic life I think you need to give it more time and not just do date nights to make it all nice again. You need to keep exploring why it happened however uncomfortable. You know instead of shouting you whiny arse at him say it upset you so much that's how you feel.

DH and I seperated it stemmed from various incidents with his sister. Instead of telling him how I was upset at her and then him due to his reaction I went on a furious rage. We drove the wedge between us, we didn't discuss for ages. Lots of stuff happened and then I managed to say how I was actually upset. We then had a period of extreme pain and suffering where we talked about everything. We are back on track but admit it's still difficult.

Sounds like he wants a sticking plaster over this but it needs major surgery and then post recovery care with a load of post op meds. Apologies for my analogy if it seems odd but that's exactly how I saw DH and mines relationship.

To be honest op he has come clean about it himself if he wanted to pursue elsewhere he would have followed through the fact that you both want the same thing just confirms that you have something special together. I think you need help dealing with betrayal as I've been down this road and emotions are all good one minute and then suddenly you feel like shit to put it bluntly. The good side of this situation Is you know exactly why he did what he did which a lot of the time people don't get closure and feel why did this happen to me. It will take time but ultimately you are heading in the right direction perhaps a good friend or counselor can guide you further. The only horrible part about this is taking your anger out on the other person whose wronged you which is normal and happens but ultimately this will just drag out till the other person feels they no longer want in. I hope you all the best op x x x and stay strong x x x

It is good that he told you about it, but terrible that he thinks that gives him enough brownie points to draw a line under the whole thing.

His expectations are unreasonable. He should be doing everything to put this right. Looking for a new job, being transparent with his technology and movements, attending counselling, whatever you need him to do.

The fact that you are questioning your own actions, feel that you are disappointing him on some level, that you're becoming someone unrecognisable, is not good at all.

Anyone can say they're sorry but actions speak louder than words. She may not be attractive to him any more but without a proper understanding of his own failings he is in danger of repeating these actions again in the future with someone else.

Yes he did go for IC OP, I went almost immediately as had a meltdown, he went for 4 sessions of IC after 4 months , mine is different as was many years ago it happened , went on for several years (one sided on his part I believe) and was not confessed , I found written evidence by chance

I'm really suspicious of the fact he told you and blamed it on relationship problems. It sounds like you've put a lot of effort into things since then, more intimacy and changing your work pattern. And now he thinks it was silly and insignificant and you should trust him.

A confession followed us with demands of trust doesn't add up. I think he sounds very manipulative.

Mm. Seems like a very good way of making sure you don't lose focus on him -- now you know that if things get rough, he'll go look elsewhere! He has you right where he wants you. For you to be reassured, you'd have to know that he's not just into you when you're paying attention to him and have all this affection being lavished on one another. What about when things get tough? Have you talked to him about that part yet?

[he is honest to a fault]

If he was honest to a fault it wouldn't have happened. He also would have spoken to you about his dissatisfaction and he would have taken steps to improve things. I have spent a long time reading infidelity forums and books. I have never heard of someone asking how should we have an affair.

Emotional affairs are about intense emotional intimacy. They confide in each other about deep personal things, they talk, or want to talk,to each other all the time. This doesn't sound like that. It sounds to me that he has run dread on you, and its worked. Also people having emotional affairs think they love each other. It is very very hard to stop an emotional affair, so it can't have been much of one if it stopped that suddenly.

Lots of men's marriage advice forums advocate running dread.www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/374wln/what_we_talk_about_when_we_talk_about_dread_13/crjrgcp

Unless there is evidence of hours and hours of messages and phone calls, I would take this as an attempt to shake things up a bit. I think I'd also want to hear her side of things. She might be surprised to hear she was in a emotional affair.

I think what is missing is you going completely ballistic. Get him on his own and read him the riot act. Tell him that if any men came on to you you would have have rebuffed them immediately because you respect him.

He is not facing any consequences over his behaviour and is swanning around like Lord Muck.

Tell him you have made an appointment to see a solicitor to see where you and the children would stand if you decide to leave. He needs to feel scared about the implications of his behaviour. You are not a Stepford wife who has to put up with this. Go mental!!