Its all over, its got to this which I am not handling well, please help!

[percypig2017]

I have just recently split up from my partner and its all become too much to the extent of me just not knowing what to do as I know I will have to organise everything.

I am in my late thirties and my partner 49. I am feeling really low after struggling with the relationship, the house and a puppy we have too. We have been together a few years and may have moved house too soon I really don't know but whatever happened I don't think I have ever experienced this before in my life.

I have lived on my own years and have had long term relationships but I have never been this ill before or lost so much weight or had so many hormonal issues along the way, with someone before. He has been married twice before.

What has happened has left me feeling completely on the floor. I was ill back in march with stomach issues, and infections followed by hormonal issues which are less painful now (cyst) since not being on the pill. I was very stressed with our house move last year and felt overwhelmed by it as I work from home and my partner 12 hour days in London. The builders were in and out the house, because of snags as new build and I was organising most of it, well pretty much all of it whilst running my business and was getting more and more stressed, ill and overwhelmed. However not really realising this and just getting on with my daily life....

I knew something wasnt right, when my feelings were just all up in the air and I was totally wired (my word lol) pretty much everyday that in the end I lost over a stone and I am only size 8, so I am tiny now.

We werent close, me and my partner during this time, we were just going with the flow and a routine kicked in where I felt bored, shattered, lonely and very much stressed everyday. We got a little puppy, who is now 8 month old to help with me getting out the house as well as loving our walks together and it was something we always wanted.

However, I am left on my own with her in the day for 12 hours, I need help with her as she is very hyper, needs about 3 walks a day and my partner isn't home until about 8pm where by 10pm he is in bed so I don't feel I have any support or enough, then come weekends he wants lie ins and I am sorting her out again...its a vicious circle and feels more a chore which isn't what I wanted, I wanted an enjoyment with her.

I have asked him to walk her in the morning, and when he gets home from work, myself in the day but she is so strong, I haven't the energy or the strength to manage her on my own during the daytime as i am so tiny.

I was then ill again recently and thought, right my health is my priority, something has to give here. So I asked for distance with my partner, which strangely helped and ended up having my own me time again which was in fact very relaxing. I had lost my life, my identity even. I was always wanting to make sure he was happy, by doing things always together and realised this may be the issue. I was obviously not coping well. I felt he was not really emotionally helping and just making me feel worse. I noticed a week later I was calmer but still stressed around the pup, bless her.

The more time I took out, the worse he got, angry, aggressive, annoyed and put downs which resulted in me just crying and feeling like I had no will power and confidence left but thought, ok I want out of this, he isn't for me, its him, the house and we need to sell our lovely pup too. He works all day london, I was sorting her in the day time and it was becoming too much around my full time job which is mental and my business was being affected in the end.

It has been horrendous, the worse part of it all, getting rid of the pup because neither of us can give her what she deserves and its not her fault either. I don't have the strength to cope with her when we are walking she pulls constantly and is very hyper where I don't have hours in the day to train her or walk her, but if my partner was around more, supportive, calm and took part in her a bit more things may have been different but doing this alone, no way, I just cant. My parents find her hard work too and its not fair on them to ask for all this support, ideally I need this from my partner not them.

So we are now selling up, selling a pup and moving house, this is the worse place I think I have ever been in. Its like a bereavement for me but my parents even agreed I cant handle the pup too, its just not fair on her lifestyle and what she deserves a good home.

in the meantime he is not helping, he is getting home later, communicating in an aggressive manner and wanting things his way, he will expect me to sell the house, and organise this as well as the pup whilst he just gets on with whatever here.

I am drained and praying when this is all over things will start to be better...anyone been in this situation!

my biggest regret was the puppy as I am more attached to her than he is but realise she will be happier and someone will give her the freedom and life and training she deserves too! I worry about her everyday like a child and no that its for a reason as she does stress me constantly whereas my partner doesnt worry so much here. I am sure its because he is out of the day 12 hours. so doesnt see what is going on.

thank you for reading and helping....exhausted!

x

I do not understand why you took on the responsibility of a dog when you were ill and working long hours.
OP the rest of your story is hard to follow you say in the begining that you recently split from your partner then you write as if your both still together.
If you have split and got rid of the dog then your nearly home and dry.
You dont say where you are now living or if your living alone.
Many if us on here have been through relationship break ups. You need to take one step at a time and rebuild your life. No one is going to do that for you and dont have another animal.until you can care for it oroperly.

There's a lot going on there, I hope you feel better soon.

I noticed you said you were selling the puppy. I'm assuming it's a popular pedigree (or one of the popular mongrel cross breeds) if she can be sold. I would consider taking her to a shelter for re-homing. Sounds like she hasn't been trained properly yet so especially important that she goes to the right home. If you're selling her, you won't be vetting properly I think. A shelter would vet properly and only let her go to a home that they felt was right for her. That would be better for the puppy and better for you - partly reducing the stress of managing the sale, and the stress of worrying whether she's got to the right home.

Have you spoken to your GP about everything that's going on, not only your physical illness? Hope you can get some support there.

It also sounds like being in the same house as your ex whilst you sell up is a bad idea. You work from home so is your location flexible? If so, you could move back in with your parents (anyway if they helped with the dog they're not far away?), or rent a room from a friend, or go to a cheaper area and get a short term holiday let type place.

Definitely speak to your GP - broken down, some of your individual tasks are not, in and of themselves, overwhelming. Like rehoming the puppy. Emotionally hard but the practical side of things - you just need to speak to a shelter. Get your parents on board to help with that. That's probably the biggest thing that's draining your actual physical time and physical energy.

Another priority might be nutrition. You don't have to just accept that you are at least a stone underweight and tiny and unable to cope with a dog pulling you. Speak to your GP about managing weight gain. If you're under-nourished, it will be affecting your MH I expect. My young cousin had anorexia and her unit told my uncle that her perception and decision making and mood would be affected because she didn't have enough nutrition. She was on anti depressants at 6st and came off them as soon as she was over 7st and eating closer to properly. I think taking care of yourself physically will help - and may be another reason to move back home if you think your parents can support you to do that.

If you work from home while your dp works 12hr days in London, it was always going to fall to you to organise the puppy and the builders.

But I am sorry you've been ill and lost so much weight, you are obviously very anxious and stressed but as pp said - you are nearly there, nearly through it.

Hi, we aren't together now no, but we were for a few years until now, so its only now we have officially broken up, he says he wants out and felt drained looking after me, he said it was like looking after someone with cancer, this must be what it feels like!! nice!

Sorry I may not have explained myself correctly here. We had our ups and downs at the start of our relationship but wanted to buy together and did live together at mine before we officially moved house and we were great together, everything was lovely, very romantic, he was attentive and we adored one another.

I am still living in our house but also staying with family at times too to get the break away which helps too.

I would be able to care for the puppy if I had a good partner near by. I have 2 cats and they are lovely, had them years and no problems, had other dogs in the past too but with this one its harder only because of him and the stress which has got worse lately....

just looking for support not any criticism ....im feeling low as it is sorry..

thank you everyone. I have a couple coming round today to see our pup. I am not too keen on putting her in shelter to re home, I would rather she went to a good home where they have had the same breed before and had experience with dogs too. I am getting some good response from the adverts and will see who fits the bill better. My parents are finding the pup too much like hard work to help my mum has already admitted this which is a real shame. She is hard work!! so sweet though. In the meantime the partner is being awful and just a pig....which isn't easy to live with at the same time but I am so glad I have seen this side of him its almost like a blessing whilst all this has gone on.

You really can't compare looking after cats to dogs, you know that!

Something has knocked you for 6 when you got ill back in March. Sadly it has also shown that he hasn't got what it takes to stand by you.

Taken out of any context - it probably was draining for him if he was helping to look after you. My boyfriend nursed his wife during her cancer and he wouldn't be at all offended by someone saying it is draining to look after someone so unwell - it really was. Of course, if the context of the comment is your ex criticising you for your health, which is hardly your fault, then he can fuck right off. But if you're discussing the demise of your relationship and he explains that as a factor - I can see that coming up.

This is why I think it's a bad idea that you are living in the same house still. I think you should get yourself away from being a captive audience for the kind of conversation that is just going to make you feel shit.

Move back to your parents and get the house sold asap.

Crossposted. So your ex is being awful and a pig - I'm sorry to hear that

Is it possible for you to move out?

You got a puppy for your benefit and chose poorly given your size and family set up and are resentful that your partner wasn't helping with it, despite knowing that he isn't home for 12 hours of the day. You made a bad call, own it.

The puppy was a poor substitute for something missing for your relationship and it's time you find out what that is and investigate if it can be recovered.

Thanks guys, yes just felt he cant handle anything at the moment.

Which is obvious by the way he is acting I know it all got out of hand and not sure when it started but more when we bought this house then I took ill, but I am pleased we are now moving on with our lives. I will move out, like you say, I think it feels right to do this and can move back with parents temporary at the moment until the house is sold.

Otherwise finding it hard to live in the same house as him during this time as its not working at all and not joking i can't bear to be around him at the moment emotionally he is just making me feel worse with his nasty comments all the time here.

sorry I hope I don't come across too down, Im just needing reassurance as I have never felt this awful around one person in my life, he is making it worse and his words are becoming more hurtful by the day. I am blessed to have a nice family around me, he hates his by the way they aren't nice and has no friends to talk to...so I am thinking I am glad I have and yes will consider moving out for sure!

So sorry you're so stressed. It sounds to me like you're saying its not just the relationship, literally everything seems to be going wrong all at once, and now you are physically, and mentally tired out and so emotionally are not coping the way you have done in the past and feel vulnerable. The final nail in the coffin has been your partners emotional neglect and lack of support. And how dare he say that looking after you is like looking after a cancer patient!! What a cruel bastard comment!! Be glad your getting rid.

I reckon that once the dust has settled, he's out of your life, the pup is gone, the house dealt with, that the stress you're under will dissapate and you'll find your old calmer self again.

Until then, take care of yourself. Find 15 min everyday to do something you enjoy or something relaxing bath with candles, walk (without dog) etc. Be kind to yourself. It will all work out in the end.

Thank you Hadron I will do thats kind.

I definitely think the puppy was substitute for something else, may be that I was missing being loved, or feeling loved and felt neglected and wanted a family too around me, which is very true as I am close to mine....so hence why giving this lovely one up is going to be hard for me...but know its right.

So can I just check I understand ?

Your ex wanted a house renovated but didn't have the time to do it

He wanted a ( difficult and demanding ) puppy but didnt have time to care for it

He wanted a partner but didn't have time to build and sustain a relationship

Let me guess - he also wanted the housework ,meals and laundry done but didn't have time to do it .

So you did everything . As well as running your own business.

But HE is the one who is exhausted from caring for you.

Is that right ?

No, that's wrong.

Nothing says her ex wanted a house renovated. It was a new build! They chose to buy a brand new house and there were some snag list issues to be dealt with that fell to her becarse she was working at home and her ex was working 12 hour days. I can work from home, I deal with the builders in my relationship.

They both wanted the puppy - OP says so. And she previously has dogs.

I don't think it's at all fair to say that the house and dog were somehow forced on the OP.

The ex has done some shitty things it seems - being a pig to her after the split. But I don't think your list is correct.

You sound overwhelmed with everything.
I'm not sure if you're Ex was a pet lover, but the dog was for your benefit if I understand it correctly.

My DH wants a dog to but I've said no, because much of the work would fall on me.

With you being so ill, it really was unwise to take on a dog that you can't physically handle.

You need to put together a plan to move forward, which as you've said starts with rehoming the dog.

Cats are much easier to handle.

Unfortunately, not every is cut out for looking after sick people. I'm not so sure if I would be able to myself.

My DM had a few years of looking after my DF when he had cancer, but they've been married for over 50 years. I wouldn't have been able to do it anywhere as good as she did. She was marvellous.

I think the hardest part here is getting rid of the puppy, I don't mind breaking up from him , I'm finding parting with my dog so hard its making me feel worse, I just cant look after her, I'm just so angry at him, at myself and for assuming as well. He just doesn't care to be around the house anymore, he is just out all the time now, coming home late and is having the life of riley whilst i am organising all this...im not bitter just angry like since we have split up he hasnt cared about the dog one bit, or the house or wanting to sort this is, he has said you deal with it!

I think this is where, I say, ok be strong just do it and sort it out now!!

thank you everyone.

Kristina no thats not right, the lady below has explained it well lol

It might be a good idea to ask the new owners if they can have a few updates about the puppy. Maybe explain the circumstances so they understand why you have had to make this decision. Hopefully once the puppy is settled in a new home the thriving it will help you feel you made the right choice. You sounds like a lovely caring person and are doing the right thing for the both of you.

*give a few updates

men are rubbish st caring for sick partners - there's loads that leave when their wife/girlfriend is sick - google it and you'll find loads of stories like yours.

You were ill - this is not your fault.of course you couldn't keep going doing everything - you instead should have been slowing down and recovering.

I do think you has slightly too high expectations of your partner at times tho - short of quitting his job there's not much more physically he could have done to be there during day. Although yes when he came home he should have walked dog etc. Even if he had been the perfect man you would have still felt ill and overwhelmed.

Was the dog a substitute for kids? Sorry to be so blunt but this of happens - are you grieving this too?

Best thing now is to move in with your parents and build yourself up again.
Go get a nice haircut and new clothes if you can afford it.
And EAT - you need to build up good strength again

Yes, ApplesandPears I think you are right about the grieving. When one of my cats went missing, I was in a total state, they are adorable, when I am having to part with my pup I cant. I am going to get help. Financially I can afford it too so I want to try and at least look at puppy training for the time being or a dog walker in the week too She is amazing in the house in her crate. .

The house is going on the market in 2 weeks time and when placing the ad for the pup it was just ridiculous and I couldnt do it, whereas my partner is going do it, she will be happier. But my instincts are saying no I cant I just cant for some reason, whereas breaking up with him yes thats no problem (strangely) its her I cant get away from, she helps with my anxiety at times and loneliness and i love meeting people when I am out walking and meet some lovely people too. There are more positives than negatives with her but yes she is hard work indeed.

So I actually feel better not getting rid of her but the thought or never seeing her again, would just about kill me, literally....

I am trying to get my head around why its so hard to leave her, but yet selling the house and leaving my partner feels right. I am missing a family yes, he doesnt really want a baby, he is basically saying adoption would be the right lifestyle for us, however after this I feel I just want to find myself and get my life back on track. Weirdly looking forward to this but would love the pup too if i can look at training classes and a dog walker twice a week to help me where possible.

I really appreciate all your help. A new hair cut is needed too lol

well if you're expected to deal with all selling related stuff.......make sure you deduct 'admin charges' from his share before he gets the money.

Not helpful, maybe, but if you are re-homing the dog, please go through a reputable breed rescue as opposed to selling her. If she's a handful, she is likely to get passed around home to home.

Also came to say please rehome through a breed rescue. Online ads attract all sorts of people, and you cannot properly vet who it goes to. Dodgy people can present themselves very well.