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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OW finally appearing & rewriting history

22 replies

Doneitagain1968 · 26/08/2017 01:48

It's only taken 5 months but the close 'friend" that I said was clearly more has put photos of her and my ex all over Facebook and because I've seen them and dared to say to ex you could of told me first before they went up I've been accused of stalking & that they didn't have an affair I left.....

Bit of background yes I did leave in April because a month after ow finished her relationship my then dp said he wasn't happy and told me I wasn't happy and well should split up. We had been together 10 years and have done aged then 4. It was exdp's house etc but luckily I had my own house about 30 miles away so immediately arranged a new school and to move back home but kept offering exdp options of counselling etc which he refused.

So I left in April saying at the time I bet he'd be with this 'friend" .....now he keeps saying you shouldn't of left and there was no affair just friends ....also the ow is part of a club/hobby he does which he always said I'd never get involved with anyone because if it goes wrong it makes hobby awkward!!!

Sorry rambling a bit but angry and I knew I was right .....trust your gut instinct definitely my new motto

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2017 03:18

Stay off social media, put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. None of this shit even matters anymore.

TheNaze73 · 26/08/2017 06:37

I agree with aqua. Cyber stalking will hold you back. You're better than that.

Ellisandra · 26/08/2017 06:56

Sorry you won't want to hear this, but there's no way I would have told my XH (also of 10 years) if I was going to put up photos on Facebook of my new boyfriend 5 months later.
And I'd have been unimpressed by the cyber stalking.

Look forward not back.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 26/08/2017 07:01

Err what? Why on earth would anyone let you know they were going to put pictures up? I understand that you are hurt but your ex is well within his rights to be in a new relationship and to post about that relationship on social media if he would like to. I am unsurprised you were bitten back at for cyber stalking. It's very unhealthy behaviour.

dertyyuoih2 · 26/08/2017 07:08

To be honest I can see why you ex husband is annoyed re the Facebook. I met my now husband two months after him and his ex split up. We were accused of affairs as we worked in the same department ( for a huge organisation). I actually had never come across him until a week before our first date. About 9/10 months after we'd been together photos were on my Facebook and on his.. ex went nuts about this. My now husband as you can imagine was more annoyed. I blocked the ex,
She went nuts as she then couldn't "look me up"!
You can see the dangerous path it is going down.
Stay off social media... you were unhappy by your own admission in the relationship and so was ex. Realistically you will never know if they did have an affair and it will tear you apart if you go down that route.
Ex was still doing this four years later - it's not a healthy place to be in.

Focus on your and your son, and co parenting with your ex.

londonrach · 26/08/2017 07:21

Why you looking her up on fb. Move on. Yabu. You may be right re this but you might be wrong. Its 5 months later so hes free to bein a relationship. Can see why you hurt by the photos but Dont stalk them on fb.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 26/08/2017 08:19

I agree with the others. She didn't put them "all over Facebook", she presumably put them on her page. They don't have to ask permission from you first and to be honest it would be weird if they did.

I understand you feel like shit but you need to leave them to it, hold your head high and walk away.

Ellisandra · 26/08/2017 08:39

I misread it - it was her Facebook?
Even less reason for you to complain... you might vaguely think that he would be sensitive on his as you must still be going through thr divorce. But not her. And you're the one that left.

I'm sorry you're hurting - and the not knowing for sure whether they had an affair is a extra twist of the knife. Even if they didn't, you weee clearly right that there was some interest between them. Your gut was right, you weren't happy, you ended it - hold your head high that you acted with strength and dignity. Then channel that now and stay off her Facebook!

junebirthdaygirl · 26/08/2017 09:00

I think people are missing the point here. Or maybe l am. Op is saying that she suspected an affair with this woman but dh flatly denied it . They split up over all this and suddenly the truth is out . They are in a relationship not just friends. Constantly here women are warned..wait and see..another woman will appear..and op is saying yes this is right. She suddenly has appeared. The only reason she thinks her ex should have told her is that it was the relationship with this woman that caused all the trouble in the first place . So a word of warning that they were going public wouldnt have gone astray since they all know each other.
Main reason for post is warning others, I thought.

Lunettesloupes · 26/08/2017 09:04

Yes they've been having an affair all along as you suspected...or your husband has worked on ending your marriage so that he can feel better about starting a new relationship. Can understand you being angry- that hurts.

haveacupoftea · 26/08/2017 09:04

He's a shit bag OP and you were right to get out while you could. Imagine keeping you dangling trying to work things out instead of just being honest and saying there's someone else. Block them on Facebook it's the only way

Jellyheadbang · 26/08/2017 09:19

junebirthdaygirl agreed.

HadronCollider · 26/08/2017 09:55

OP I'm so sorry you've been subjected to this. I think the initial replies are harsh. You have a child together and so I definitely do think you are owed a heads up when someone of significance turns up in your ex's life especially when you suspected said person as being partly responsible for the relationship breakdown. Few people would find it easy to get over a ten year relationship without fully understanding why it broke down. Wanting to know why would drive me mad. As you say you have done the digging and now have confirmation. The important thing now is to be dignified and move forward without looking backwards. They're so not worth it.
Really, they're not. x

Ellisandra · 26/08/2017 10:12

I don't think she is owed a heads up.
It's been 5 months and she was the one that ended it. I get that she did so reluctantly, and that it's because she thought he had already checked out. But from his point of view, she ended it.

If my XH (also a 10 year relationship) had given me a "heads up" after 5 months, I'd have been posting here "grrrrr - why can't he just fuck off? Hate that it suggests he thinks I would give a fuck! Patronising shithead!" (even if I did care!)

In my social circle, the only time new BF/GFs have been mentioned to the ex has been in the context of warning about meeting children - and even then not always.

I actually don't think it is an accepted faux pas not to have told his ex.

LittleBooInABox · 26/08/2017 11:23

He was bound to move on. You have no proof that they were seeing each other when you were married. People can have a connection develop after a while. I think your trying to find blame where there may be none. He's moved on. You should to.

If you didn't want the relationship to end, you should have worked on it a little. You left, he moved on. He isn't gonna stay single forever.

MistressDeeCee · 26/08/2017 11:35

I understand why you did what you did OP. You suspected he was having an affair with a friend whilst with you, and he denied this . At the same time your relationship was breaking down. Unless you're an emotionless robot lacking in feelings, of course you'd feel hurt by seeing pics

Despite whats often inferred on MN, most people don't end a relationship and feel fine and happy immediately able to move on completely both physically and mentally in a matter of a few months, even if its a short relationship - which yours wasn't, and especially when they have a child ie you are going to see your ex again as he is DCs father.. So no, its often not as easy as skipping away never to come across ex again, off into a new life

& most women aren't silly little women groundlessly thinking their man is an affair - there will have been things that made you suspicious re this particular woman. You've every right to feel hurt and disappointed and that should not be minimised

So now you know, you can block them both on social media and actually take a break from social media if you can (sounds to me as if you looked, perhaps your ex's page is still open to you so its come up in newsfeed, which is not exactly cyber stalking is it), take a deep breath and keep moving on with your life.

HadronCollider · 26/08/2017 11:36

Well if they have dc yes he owes her a heads up. New partner means potential new sm stay-over girlfriend

Gemini69 · 26/08/2017 11:41

OP take yourself off of Facebook as the other ladies have suggested.. it's a pitiful place.. you will find no comfort there my lovely..

find a way forward

Ellisandra · 26/08/2017 11:45

I disagree Hadron. I've been through this situation and not told my XH when I've been dating, or at what point I've chosen to introduce a new partner. I've done that twice. He has done it once, and I have no problem at all with the fact that he didn't inform me.

I expect it does come down to your children. I only have one and her personality is such that she has taken new partners exactly as expected - totally in her stride, with a bit of giggly interest too.

When she met my XH's GF (now her SM) she came home full of gossip that daddy had a new GF and told me off for not telling her when I said I'd guessed!

Even if you do decide to inform an ex about a new B/GF at the point of introductions to children, I think the majority of people who say they have absolutely NO obligation to tell their ex when they are just dating. I've seen that opinion from others on MN too - they're an ex, it's not their business.

mirialis · 26/08/2017 11:51

I would be really pissed off too OP - you knew they were more than "just good friends", and your ex gave you no option to save the relationship just one month after she finished hers, so don't be gaslighted by this "stalking" nonsense.

Now you know for sure and it shows you have good instincts.

Time to delete and block (or come off Facebook altogether if needs be) and move forward.

Good luck

Hermonie2016 · 26/08/2017 12:51

Op, I understand the hurt, after 10 years you won't be over the relationship yet and I guess you are still trying to make sense of it.It will get easier

However you gave your ex the power to wound you by engaging with him on an emotional matter.Sadly he won't be caring how you feel as he checked out and is very clearly with OW.
It hurts to realise how easily he has moved on but if he's capable of this he will do the same to her.

Try not to engage on any level emotionally as it will just cause you pain.

HadronCollider · 26/08/2017 15:25

Each to their own Ellisandra. I appreciate your viewpoint.

OP the pain will pass. It is better for you in the long run if you try to stay away from following social media if you feel you'll be too tempted to take a sneak. It isn't easy to let go after 10 years of emotional investment. I think your ex is a callous prick. However stay away from him as much as you can and one day you'll realise the whole day has past and you haven't thought about him once. Wish you all the best x

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