Is it me or is it him?

[alloutofusernames]

I'm just trying to get my head round a common argument pattern I have with my partner... he asks he if I am ok with him doing something (going out, doing an extra bit of work for e.g) if I say no he says that's ok but then he will offer an equally unattractive alternative... (I am using today's scenario as an example)... I am pregnant and working almost full time and so my time is precious, most of the time I say ok... anyway it ends up in an argument with him saying 'why do we always end up arguing?' And stuff like 'j just want to have a voice in our relationship... I just want to wake up and look forward to the day... why are you so unhappy?...'
I told him I just want to feel loved. That he considers me. He said ' l do love you, but I don't like you at the moment' or 'I want to be there for you but you keep pushing me away...' I explain it's hard to feel like your on parole when you're pregnant and I feel very vulnerable and he storms off saying 'well that's that then!' Or 'this hadn't gone the way I hoped it would'. Or 'stop pulling that face!' I said 'I'm not angry I'm just concerned...'
Our relationship has followed a similar pattern for many months and got so intense that we are now in separate rooms. We have a toddler who we both adore and try not to argue in front of.
Do you think it sounds as though he is fighting fair? Or am I being manipulative because I'm pregnant? It's not an easy situation, I can't just walk away and there's lots think about and I just can't see clearly enough to know what to do. Do I have my head in the sand?

Why do you say he can't do things?

Things like taking on extra jobs in the evenings when I am left to child mind after work. As I say I agree most of the time and I feel I'm being reasonable but maybe I'm not.

What equally unattractive alternatives?

Well today it was that he would do the extra work on his planned day off when we were going to something together with dc.

For me it would depend on why he needed to do the extra work. If needs must financially then obviously i wouldn't say no. If you think he's doing the extra work to opt out of family life, well that's different.

No I don't think, and we do need the money, but it's the third time this week if you count a night he went to a friends. I don't want to be unfair to him and I know pregnancy can make you feel very needy but he's find my neediness very difficult! I can't help it! 🙁

It sounds all too familiar!

I think you are having communication issues. It sounds like you don't really understand each other. It sounds like your needs are conflicting. You sound like you are stressed and need your partner to support you, and he is not really understanding that.

Do you have to give "permission" when he want to work extra hours or do something without you? Is it a case of him not being able to make a decision and seeing the consequences it has for you? Because you are a family and his decisions about how he spends time affects you?

As in I don't think he's trying to opt out of family life, that didn't occur to me at all. He just loves his work.

@misscph1973 that's the thing, I feel like he doesn't really get it that it impacts me, then I kind of despair because I think if he doesn't get it then he doesn't care... so the stakes get higher and higher!

I have similar problems with my DH. It just spirals into negative patterns. I am not really sure what to do about it, but having a good chat would be a good start. Be sure you are not in a defensive mode, and tell him that you think that you are not communicating well. Tell him what it makes you feel when he says and does certain things. Tell him that you understand that he loves his work, but that you also work, and that you are always left to be the responsible parent (I am guessing that's how it is?).

I suspect you both want the same things in your marriage, but that you have different ways of going about it.

Thanks Miss, I'm sorry to hear you have similar issues with your husband. I can't seem to get anywhere even with reasoned talking and I think something must be wrong with either me or him but it's very difficult to locate exactly what the problem is.

This sounds like a communication issue. I can see both sides

Just a warning - I'm heading for divorce! Not the only reason, but communication issues and unmet needs are the main problems. But my DC are older than yours (10 and 12), so I am older than you, and I have been married for longer, presumably. You still have a chance. You both need to get to the bottom of this, it's not just going to go away. These habits need addressing. I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with either of you, but you neither of you are communicating your needs in a way that the other one understands. Would he consider counselling?

Maybe you could do with some counselling about your communication skills and the way you both communicate

I don't think he should need to ask your permission for anything though

I am having counselling because I am struggling to figure out what the issues are and realise that I may be unreasonable and projecting. He is not really interested in counselling, it's not him at all.

He doesn't have to ask my permission, but he checks I'm ok with things. We both work and have no family nearby to support us with childcare so we have to try to plan ahead.

Oh dear. My DH is not interested in counselling either. While I can respect that, he doesn't seem to want to address the problems any other way. Seems the problems are mine, not his.

I think the permission thing is important. What I mean is, your DH should not have to ask your permission, he should be able to make a decision and know the consequences. But he seems to be putting the choice on you - "can I do important things that brings in money", and this way making it look like you are the difficult one, ignoring that if he does extra (paid) work, you are at home with unpaid household chores and your child. After you have already done your full time job. At a time where you should all be together as a family.

It's good that you are in counselling. So was I. It's good to have some one who listens to you. But at the end of the day it's a surrogate for talking to your husband. You are confused, and the counselling will help you get your thoughts in order. Ultimately you need to talk to your DH, you need to feel hear and understood. But first you need to work out what's going on so that you don't go round in circles in your relationship.