Bad relationship on holiday

[Loopytiles]

DH and I have longstanding relationship problems. This has been getting us both down and in my case contributed to mental health problems.

We have two primary age DC, currently in private schools and one with SEN and currently educated "out of year group" (year below), which is relevant as I'm really worried about the impact on them of having to change schools - on top of all the other disruption and upset - should we split up (eg we don't live in catchment for popular state schools, hard to get admission "out of year group" in local secondaries).

Recently started couples' counselling, but so far that seems to be making him even angrier and more critical towards me.

We're abroad for a few days for his old friends' overseas wedding, which is also our family holiday this year. Lovely place.

Tonight we fell out (he went out last night until 5am with friends and I objected). Tonight and a few times in the last few weeks he has told me he's fed up of arguing, and of me.

Am so sad, scared and exhausted. Feel guilty about the environment for the DC. I really want a break from him, but feel trapped. I also feel really lonely.

It's pathetic but I really want a hug from someone who likes and loves me! I haven't spoken to friends in RL about it: local friends are relatively new and mutual friends and it would seem disloyal, and my old, formerly close friends live elsewhere in the UK and I'm not in regular contact, so it's be selfish to seek support from them.

Finding living with someone who no longer seems to like me, and isn't affectionate or loving or kind towards me is painful. Plus trying to act normal for the DC.

Your DC will be picking up on this negativity. They will be able to tell that "acting normal" is just an act. Staying with DH for the sake of the kids is rarely actually a good idea. It is miserable and damaging growing up in an environment like this.

The couples councelling that you are doing may help improve things, after all you did once love one another. However, it may also clarify that there isn't actually a way back. If that happens then maybe the councelling will have the benefit of helping you both to act like grownups in working together to ensure that your split doesn't disrupt your children in the ways you fear as described in your OP. It is not even remotely a "given" that you splitting from DH means them changing schools. He remains their father with full parental responsibility after all.

Being away from home in a dead relationship is miserable. Lots of splits happen just after holidays as people are not able on holiday to fill their time with day to day distractions that stop you thinking about how bad things are.

Thanks. Yes, I realise it's really bad for the DC: hard to know how to handle that. Eldest is and gets anxious so I share brief info and seek to reassure while being honest; youngest seems to notice less (and IMO the SEN affects their awareness) but may notice more than I think.

There are lots of distractions where we are actually, because of it being a wedding etc.

We do still love each other, well can't speak for him. I have not stayed "for the DC" but because I've been really hoping things will improve. As you highlight, though, the environment isn't great for them.

The DC would definitely need to move schools if we split up: even assuming DH and I could manage finances amicably, which am sure would be hard, we don't earn enough to fund two households plus fees and would likely earn less post break up as we rely on each other in sharing parenting in the week and both commute.

Some couples manage an amicable splitting-up but keeping the marital home, adapting arrangements to become independent "house mates" rather than being a couple. Is there scope for something like that? (May mean kids sharing rather than own rooms but that could be a better overall outcome for them than the alternatives)

I don't know anyone with that kind of arrangement. I would find it very hard to continue, other than for a short time, to live in the same house if we split up.