Feeling like he's able it to break up with me

[CrapNameChanger]

My bf of 18 months has gone very very cold. I feel like I can feel a break up talk coming on... I don't need advice really, just a place to vent...

Last night he had come over, to watch TV, and there was the expectation we'd have sex... I've been stressed with work and had a bad tummy, so said sorry, no sex tonight. He started half joking about never doing it anymore, when was the last time etc. Always adding "not trying to make you feel bad or anything". But I did feel a bit crap about it.

So I got into bed, said it's fine if he wants to instigate more often, I'm just so stressed with work I don't feel like it as much, and I need more build up, massage/ foreplay etc. otherwise I find it hard to enjoy it.

It was like the room went cold when I said that. He went silent...shut down completely. I tried to explain a bit more, but it was like I was digging myself into a hole... in the end because he wouldn't engage when I tried to ask him if he was ok etc. I tried to just change the subject. But everything I said he shot down or would bring out an example of where I'd said something in the past that he'd taken it to heart.

He's normally such an affectionate guy. But he just turned, and stayed like that all night, and all the next morning. I went out with friends tonight, text him when I got home and the messages I got back were so cold to how they normally are.

I'm bracing myself for this being the end. Otherwise if it's just an argument I can't deal with this conflict style. It's driving me mad... I just want to ask him outright, is it the end for us? But it's over such a small stupid thing I feel like I'm being paranoid and needy if I ask him that. Argh!

Thread title fuck up; it should say feeling like he's about to break up with me!

I'm sorry, that's all a bit crap.

However, better 18 months in than several years. He's acting like a sulky child & I can't bear that. What you said wasn't offensive or hurtful, it was honest & clear. If he can't handle that without throwing a strop you're better off without the twat. I know it's hard now, but staying with someone who acts like this would be harder in the long run.

He's feeling defensive because you've pointed out (quite rightly) that you need a bit more foreplay etc.

It wasn't even as if you said it while you were at it - people always suggest talking about these things outside the bedroom.

Also your upset tummy should have been a reason for him to look after you a bit, not make you feel bad for not putting out.

Don't wait around to be dumped. Get in there first and tell him you need someone a bit more supportive and who is prepared to listen and take on board your views about having your needs met.

He sounds like hard work going cold for a full night and day over this conversation.

Agree with feedme

Generally around 18 months in is when twattish behaviour starts to show a bit more. You've done nothing wrong. He's been an arse.

I know Annie. I'm telling myself that too. I wish he'd just told me straight if what i had said had hurt him and why, which it obviously has. I've just got no way of dealing with it while he's sulking.

It's such a shame, as things had been pretty good up until now. But either he's backing off, or I can't handle the way he deals with conflict... it really hurts

Take the subject by the tail, see it from your side. To me, it seems like he should be the one wondering if you're going to kick him out. His behaviour is crap.
Ltb.

It doesn't improve, believe me. Anti confrontation guys, the ones that go cold: they cannot deal with small stuff. They definitely can't deal with big stuff. Kick him to the kerb. Get your self respect back. The cold thing... It expands to days. Don't do it x

Yeah, it is crap. I tried to be kind, cuddled him as we were speaking. I think I feel like I'm in the wrong as my ex could never speak about sex either. He'd do the same shut out tactics. But it does make me wonder if it's how I handle it too.

Interestingly the conversations with my ex we're about having more sex... but basically got the same result. Its given me reminders of how worthless I used to feel when I'd try and open up and talk about my feelings. It's so horrible when you try and have a vulnerable conversation like that and you get literally nothing back.

Thanks for the hand hold/ straight talk. I needed that.

Hope it helps, if you need clarity. I was in a fog of what the fuck. Get your priorities upfront in your head. Don't let him dictate a damn thing x

And I should be taking my own advice, believe me :(

It does hurt 💐

But you know what? Staying with someone you're not compatible with hurts more and generally end up here anyway!

I always think that once you've been through your first big break up, you can look look back & say 'I got through that, I can get through this. Yes it hurts, but after a bit of time I'll be fine'. It hurts a lot, but you know that will stop in time...and hopefully you'll go on to meet someone you're better suited to.

People very, very, seldom change for the better, they're usually on their best behaviour the first couple of years - what you get now is the best you'll get...& it doesn't sound anywhere near good enough.

Incompatible? Better suited?

NO-ONE would be suited to someone who is unkind and abusive. Which this man is. The coldness is emotional abuse. He's crap in the sack, you dared to mention it, you're paying for it.

Move on my dear. Don't let him be the one to end it.

@CrapName (that's a good name actually!)

This will get me shot down, but perhaps you could consider it...
The way you wrote it he got grumpy not after you said No (perfectly reasonable) but after you said he could initiate it more often. If he's feeling that your interest in sex is low he's maybe feeling unloved, and he may be looking for you to initiate it more.

Imagine having a cuddle on the sofa in front of the TV. If he said, increasingly frequently, that he didn't want to cuddle how would you feel?

You're the only one who knows him, but before you LTB, maybe think about it.

So he is "joking" about not having sex more often, and you told him more foreplay would help, and he didn't offer to give you some foreplay on the spot? He sounds like a lazy lover.

(I know there are deeper issues here, but that's what I got out of the original post)

He took it as a hit to his ego and his ability to get you into the mood via foreplay.

I think you rightfully pointed it out to him. It's not a case of "let's have sex", with no decent build up and ensuring you are turned on enough.

.... And men wonder why women get turned off or can't be arsed when they do this.

Playing devil's advocate, he may have taken what you said to mean he has always been a bit crap in bed but you've never said anything before about it. A lot if guys will find that feedback very hard to handle however nicely it is communicated.

The sulking is crap but if this is not how he normally reacts to a row, it could be a one off.

@scruffy, i never usually say no to sex. Just neither of us have initiated it as much recently. I made sure I told him no as soon as I got out of the bathroom as I know full well how much it hurts to try and initiate and to be pushed back. My ex never gave me the decency of an explanation or suggestions about how to make it work. It's what I always wanted so I tried to have that conversation.

I actually understand if he got hurt, the issue is that he hasn't told me that. So he's saying he's fine, but sulking. It's not communication that can resolve anything.

I'm going to point all this out to him. I understand if he's over-reacted. And maybe this is a tipping point that has made him reconsider everything. If he wants to turn it around then the relationship is normally good enough to try.

@Annie, this isn't my first big break up. It's the first serious relationships I've had since splitting with my ex of 10 years though. And there are so many things about our relationship that work, it's hard to handle that he's a sulker.

We have plans this weekend, so I'll probably try and have a conversation on Sunday night. Unless the sulking is unbearable...

@Trailing. Everyone can get a bit lazy in bed, and it's nice to have a low maintenance shag every now and then. The trouble is that isn't working for me at the moment. No judgement on him or his performance, sometimes I'm just as happy with a basic kissing to shag scenario. I just wanted to be able to tell him when that wasn't enough without having repercussions like this.

@FastWindow . Thanks for turning your experience into advice for me. Hope it helps you in your own situation too.

I actually understand if he got hurt, the issue is that he hasn't told me that. So he's saying he's fine, but sulking. It's not communication that can resolve anything.

In reality it's not as easy as this though. He pro interpreted it as a dig and may have felt you've felt that way in the past and never raised it.

Of course the logical thing would have been to discuss it, but when the ego takes a hit that's easier said than done.