Anyone with a functioning Fwb set up?

[Plentyoffishnets]

Hi. Got a guy I've had 2 brief things with since Xmas. I didn't expect it to work out as we are too different but both times he has indicated he wanted a relationship then it has quickly fizzled. He has said the same that could not see us in relationship which is why he's backed off both times.
He contacts me regularly and we live close by and he is basically suggesting a fwb situation. I feel I'd like this as the sex is really good and I know that's all it'd be. Not having much luck with dating atm either.
So was just wondering what kind of set up those of you who have a functioning fwb have? Any rules of engagement?
Do you plan meeting up or is it spontaneous? How often? What do you do when dating others? How do you avoid feeling used? Would love to know what a typical set up is so that can figure out how to approach this. Thanks

I had a great set up for a couple of years and trying to find that again

Met up once a fortnight planned by text, usually dictated by when he wasn't seeing his kids (recently divorced dad of 3)

I don't / didn't date so not a problem for me. He eventually met a woman he wanted to date seriously so we called it off amicably. I don't know if he had other lovers, never asked. We always used condoms so it wasn't an issue for me health wise.

Avoid feeling used by cancelling on the odd occasion I didn't feel like having sex, and asserting what I wanted sexually - wouldn't do anything I didn't really enjoy just to satisfy him like i imagine people in relationships do

It helped that he was a kind man who I liked and was considerate / complimentary of me

In what way are you 'too different' for a relationship? I'd say you have to at the very least like and respect each other.

Thanks chesty, that sounds good. How did you feel when he did meet someone? I can imagine that being quite hard.
Different in many ways - background, outlook, what we like doing in spare time, also quite an age gap. We get on well and like each other, but no conversational spark though the physical chemistry is crazy

My situation has been going on for over 20 years. It's not a fwb it's sex and a chat, maybe a coffee after. Whenever we are seeing someone relationship wise we just let each other know and generally there's no issue with that and in between that we just don't ask as it's of no real concern (there was one incident that all got a bit freaky once but that's not too bad for 20 years). He has a special knock he will use if he can't get hold of me and if I happen to have moved and changed numbers while he's been off being in his relationship he will visit one of my relatives and leave a message but otherwise we text as and when to meet. We both know we don't ever want a relationship, although we care about each other and are quite loving when together, the lines simply don't get blurry and I don't really know how to advise someone on how not to get emotionally attached as in wanting a relationship... just live in the moment I suppose and accept it for what it is, sex. How often? As often as you both want! I've met with mine several times a day or once a month or not for 6 years once. Why would you feel used when you're enjoying having sex with someone you chose to have sex with on an agreed sex only basis? If that's not what you want then don't do it and find yourself someone to have a relationship with, if you're left feeling empty when he leaves then this is not the arrangement for you. A cup of coffee after is cool but a movie and a bottle of wine and spending the night is a relationship.

I've had a few and I've learned from my mistakes! You have to be pretty ruthless at making this work though. My rules in no particular order:

1. There have to be certain aspects about them that I dislike such that I know I'd never consider them to be relationship material.
2. I like dinner and a laugh prior to a night of passion (50/50 on costs, not looking to freeload) - not always possible but enjoying someone's company is sexy.
3. If they just intend to fuck and run then I want to know up front. I'm fine with that but I like to know so I can make plans.
4. After a few sessions if there are any disparaging remarks or a sniff of ghosting they're gone.
5. establish rules of engagement up front to avoid 3) and 4).
6. oxytocin is your enemy. I don't allow myself to snuggle afterwards. I get a drink then faff around rather than lie in bed bonding. Obviously if you're pulling an all nighter it's a bit different but beware!
7. no dating type daily texts (bonding starts...). Communication is to establish a hook up and any preliminaries (sexting or whatever). A bit of texting afterwards then put the phone down until one of you feels the need to get back in touch for some fun.
8. you have to stick to your guns and dump the twattish ones quickly.
9. done in a way where neither of you get emotionally trashed it's bloody good fun. If it stops being fun then tweak your rules of engagement or stop being an FB.

My longest FB lasted about six to nine months. I dated here and there but he'd be on back up. If I'm dating I never see an FB until I know that prospect has vanished. The arrangement suited us both and we mutually called it off.

I find the FB thing burns out quite quickly. Probably because of the lack of bonding but them's my rules!

Hope the above helps you figure things out.

I was happy for him, I was sad that I wouldn't see him any more (I guess the way you'd feel if a platonic friend moved away?) but I didn't want a relationship with him so it wasn't difficult for me in that way. I didn't feel jealous. Like above poster says if you feel bad about it, or have jealousy then it's not the right thing for you. We would also have a drink and chat together during / after but it would never be longer than an hour from sex finishing to me leaving.

Thanks everyone. Have searched on mn about Fwb before and its a lot of warnings and very negative so its good to hear some positive stories. I'm probably seeing him next week when child free so will try to have an honest conversation about a few of the things. His mixed messages have caused problems in the past so think will def employ the no bonding tips too!

If its mixed messages from the start just be very careful. You both have to know what you want and how to articulate it in a kind way. You can always find hot sex with someone else 🙂 Good luck x

PS: it absolutely has to be a two way street. When you're in the mood for some fun he needs to make it work where possible as much as you will when he's in the mood. Keep an eye on that one. If sex only happens when he instigates it then you are on a slippery slope to feeling a bit crap about yourself.

Sounds like your one could be good fun. Be searingly honest with yourself though and make sure you don't already have little feelings sprouting.

I have had one for 3 years. We both have DC and he lives in a different city so we pre arrange our meetings for when our DC are with our respective exes. It works very well for us - I don't have the time or effort for a proper relationship and he does not want commitment so we have a good understanding.

It works well for us because we really are friends too. We text and call each other occasionally for a chat, we get on well and have a laugh. Unspoken rule though - we don't ask each other if we're seeing other men/women (I'm not but I don't know if he is and I don't particularly care). If you don't like the idea of him potentially seeing other women then fwb isn't for you. Always use a condom. If you feel yourself becoming emotionally invested then call it off. Enjoy!

I've had 3 of these, 2 I got attached to, 1 I didn't. My main advice would be don't like them too much in the first place!
The advice you've had about not bonding is good.