My DH doesn't have to go through this but he does.

[lolaflores]

I am bipolar and have been having a right old time of the rollercoaster. Am taking steroids for a chest infection and the lid has proper come off.
I want to cut myself but so far have managed not to. Instead, I am thinking about booking a flight to India and visiting temples in the hope of a cure for being mad.
He has come in from work and I am on the side of the bed sobbing and trying to make sense of why the world feels so big and throbby at the moment.
This is not an unusual reaction to steriods but fuck me, it is getting harder. I look at him and wonder why the blithering shit he is still here with all of this to put up with.
I went on the Mind website and did a bit of what they suggested and it has helped but as the day is ending, I am terrified of the night.
He helps me so much and I feeel such a fucking loser.

Poor you Lola.

I know it doesn't help to say this, but try to cling to the knowledge that this state you are in will pass. So will the night. You will survive and get better.

Something similar happened to me in a rare medication reaction, it was so awful. I really feel for you.

Is it possible to stop the steroids. Perhaps have DH phone the pharmacist for advice.

So sorry. There is nothing wrong with you, you're just ill but you are going to feel better in time. Hand hold for you x

He loves you, for all your intricacies, ups and downs, it makes you who you are, it makes you the person he loves. Cherish that and love him for it, focus on the small things and the big things will fade into the distance. My DW has similar episodes and I'm still here - it's what we signed up for!

Bless you The Stamp for holding my hand.
i am in the horrors alright and it just ramps up the guilt and shame of it all. My daughter has seen me in some right old states and i hate it so very much.
This reaction is the norm to the steroids but it scares me witless specially when I think about cutting or runing away.
It is exhausting and it will pass but jesus in the middle of it blows and his kindness and yours seems undeserved.

jason118 don;t make me cry any harder...that is lovely. thank you

He's there because he loves you. Just repeat, this too shall pass.

Don't forget, you have a chest infection, anyone would feel rotten in that situation so cut yourself some slack. Reading your replies to the posters, I imagine he is with you because you are lovely
Try to get some sleep, play the alphabet game (girls names A-Z, Animals, and my personal favourite, rude words lol) and just relax your mind and let your body heal. Chest infections are rubbish and with everything else you are dealing with, it is no surprise you are feeling like this. You will be well again soon xx

Oh Lola

He loves you

He knows you would do the same for him if the tables were turned

You can and will get through this and there are better days ahead.

Going to India isn't the answer, because you're not mad, you have a condition that makes you ill.
It's a condition that is very hard to manage, and it's absolutely not your fault that you're struggling right now. He obviously loves and cares deeply for you- let him help you.

he loves you

It is such a lonely, empty state to be in. So hard to make any sense of it. Its like pressing my face up against a fire and not being able to take it away. Its almost physical like part of me is trying to escape but I can't.

Thank you all for listening. i don't know where to turn sometimes. I have been hospitalised a couple of times and its bloody unpleasant so I tend to stay quiet but I can't keep it in. I don't know what to do for the best sometimes and it isnt easy on everyone when I try to ride it out.
He does love me and I just feel like I am a terrible burden.
He is currently wandering roun din his pants...

Do you take medication for your bipolar, have you stopped these? Do you have access to mental health services as if you've been hospitalised before you can probably self refer and be seen in a triage situation quickly but seeing an actual psychiatrist usually means waiting but not always. I would really suggest asking for help before you find it increasingly difficult to do. Bipolar meds can offer you some relief. Wishing you lots of luck

Bless him and bless you.

The horrors. I so know that place, you're right it's lonely and empty but at the same time it just assaults you. I wish I could reach in and take it away from you. It's really the pits. When I hear descriptions of hell, like in the religious sense, I know where that idea came from. It's some medieval monk who had the horrors, and wrote it down.

nicfnack, I take my meds and never muck about with them. I was hospitalised in the States, n ot here. we returned a few months ago and I am a bit mystified as to how to get help. GP tells me they will refer if I am in a crisis but its impossible to see anyone at the surgery...

The stamp, thank you. I do think some lonely, harrased soul in a cold scriptorium on a barren island in the atlantic knew what this was all about and let his imagination take flight. But they thought he was a mystic and close to God. I am none of those things.
Believe me, if anyone wants to come and get rid of this, they are m ore than welcome.

He loves you. Wholly and unconditionally.

Mental illnesses are a silent nightmare - we need our people around us in the bad times. Let him love you because you deserve to be loved.

Hand hold for you - tomorrow is a new day

Hugs. You are ill and he cares about you.
Hopefully you will soon feel better.

Every area is different but if you wanted to get further support from your NHS mental health team I would ask for an emergency appointment at your doctors and ask god a referral and they usually have to see you within a set time and this could be a triage where s nurse assesses you, they can then give you further support such as visits from crisis teams where psychiatric nurses can visit you at home. They could adjust your medication to help with this side effect of the steroids. There is everything to be gained from asking for help, it may not be instantaneous but if you are in a crisis help is available sooner.

You are obviously a lovely person as instead of worry about yourself you are worrying about others. You also have insight into whats happening and thats brilliant. Lean on your dp. He loves you and battling this together will bring you closer. Ye are in this together. Remember intimacy comes from seeing right into each others heart and still loving that person.
My dh has bipolar and it doesnt change my love for him.

OK, I'll ask seeing as nobody else seems to want to - can he put some trousers on at least? Us fellas never look good in our saggy Y-fronts

Stay strong

Scruffy, sorry love. I didn't get your message sooner...he slipped into his bed wear shortly after and I hope the image is gone.

Thanks everyone. Thank you all from the bottom of my addled head. The night was short. Been up since 4. Am going to speak to the GP about a proper hook up with the MH services.

Could you see someone privately? It would probably cost less than a trip to India. We oaid for my daughter to see a psychiatrist privately then she was referred into the nhs later