unhappy in marriage, I feel lost

[Summerpepper]

There is a lot here, I will try to sum it up as best I can. Any advice would be really appreciated. I feel like I can no longer love or trust or respect dh. We have had issues with porn which turned out to be full on porn addiction. We went to a therapist and he had hypnotherapy to stop, but after seeing the videos he watched I have lost all respect for him. The therapist said to remember that the porn wasn't everything he was and the reason he covered it up was him being ashamed. But, I can't let it go. The images were vile and over a year later I'm still so angry. His persona around others is charming and I want to scream that it's all an act. Other issues in our marriage are his lack of effort, in everything. I feel a fool for organising every date night (I stopped in May). And what has put me over the edge was him forgetting dd1s parent teacher meetings, 2 this year and her sports day. On the outside he has a successful career, appears decent and a stand up guy. He's not and I feel like a doormat. I don't know what the way forward is. I have nobody in rl to talk to.

What was so vile about the porn? Was it not normal porn? I really don't see a problem with people watching it. Can you watch together? It's just a fantasy movie to get off to. Would you rather he involved you every time he wants a wank?

Sounds like you're both on very different pages. TBH I wouldn't have a problem with dh watching porn as I watch my fair share and we are both very open and honest with each other. Have you tried watching porn with him and discussing which types you like etc? I suppose it depends entirely on the type of porn he was watching. What was vile about it? If it's something you truly can't get on board with then you shouldn't ben your morals to suit him. However the parenting issues would bother me massively. Is he particularly busy at work? Did he have a good excuse for forgetting the appointments?

I think you should leave. You're clearly extremely unhappy here.

Sounds like your problems reach further than the porn thing. I suppose it says something that he saw a therapist about it.

Sorry that should have been abandon your morals not ben!

Thank you all for replying. Huffle and Princess, yes the therapist suggested we watched it together and I did a few times, but it wasn't for me at all. I know lots of people enjoy it but I guess I've discovered this isn't something I'm comfortable watching. I think that's why it's so hard for me to understand him.

Ok so it's nothing so vile that it's illegal right? In that case I'd probably just leave it to him to enjoy it and state it's not something you personally see the appeal of so let it be. Unless of course it affects your sex life with him or he starts wanting to do the things he sees on porn with you, then absolutely you have the right to say no and do not be bullied into anything. Just curious as to whether he's still using open or whether the hypnotherapy worked? It seems there are bigger issues here than the porn though. I feel for you. You sound utterly miserable. You have to ask yourself if you're not happy, is it really worth it? Would you be happier if you weren't together?

Hmm, it's a tough one then. It's good that you tried but fair enough it's not for you. However, it obviously is something he enjoys which is harmless and natural. If you can't accept that, it sounds like you have some serious thinking to do

I've done so much thinking Huffle, and I can't move on. I know it's a normal part of so many people's relationships and he was watching run of the mill stuff non paying website stuff. I have really tried, because I know this is just my take on something many people enjoy. Just to put in context how much we differ on this, I was physically ill when I saw the first video. And that's where the not being on the same page thing you said Princess. I felt like I didn't know dh anymore when I saw it. We had never talked about it. I didn't know he was into it.

Maybe it is time to stop thinking then and start moving on.

It is not compulsory to like porn, whatever variety it is, and don't feel bad that you don't.

It's one of many things where it seems you and your OH differ. Forgetting parents evenings and sports day aren't great, not instigating date nights ever isn't either.

Did you talk through any of these areas?

Lots of people don't like porn! It's not harmless (unless you think that women should be treated with a total lack of respect).

No, Colouring it isn't great at all. He isn't an organised person, not everyone is. But my patience has run out - I can no longer just say, oh well never mind that you forget things. It's too much, and when it comes to dd1s school appointments I just can't. What do I do? Hes 35. I cant bring up 2 dads and teach a man how to be a supportive father and husband. I'm at this conflict in my head of anger and dismay. I also just want to zone out, have no expectations so I can stop feeling so hurt. But that's not a relationship. There may be something in it that he is the only person I have ever had a relationship with.

Lack of effort in everything is basically a brilliant way to kill a relationship. I think you know you are finished here OP and it's really okay to end it. I also don't think it's okay to tell people that they should try watching porn together.

Does he forget other things ? Like going to work , meeting up with his friends or doing hobbies.

Has he ever got fired because of his forgetfulness ?

Kitty, it really is killing my love for him. We have talked through all of this so much. Most of the issues were coming up when we were at the therapist last year and even with professional help I'm still feeling like this. It should have gotten better. I don't know how much longer to keep trying, the date nights stopped I guess, I stopped trying there.

Kr1stina, with work it's ok - but will forget about friends and other appointments regularly.

He has had the opportunity for professional input and he still made no effort. I hope you don't think this selfish twat is the best you deserve. He had so many choices and chose to carry on not trying at all. I'm guessing you are a person who tries hard and takes responsibility. You deserve better.

I think a couple need to have the same value system and its obvious ye dont. That is a huge divide between ye. If he has an addition he should be completely off it like an alcoholic. Im surprised a counsellor would suggest its ok to continue. Its like suggesting to an alcoholic that a few drinks is fine and that you shouldnt have a problem with this. Its very understandable that your whole view of him has changed.
The forgetting thing is different. If he has a difficulty here which some people genuinely have he needs to put definite stuff in place to remember..phone reminders etc. That part is easily remedied if he decides its important. If he couldnt care less thats an even bigger problem.
You could read up on the addictive personality. They need a lot of personal work to come through.

Isn that odd, that he never forgets at work but always forgets at home when it's something you want or something that you will fix for him !

I think you need to give yourself permission to leave TBH.