Sorry.. please can I pick your brains again on normal?!

[Blinkingecksake]

Sorry I'm back again for advice as I found your advice so very helpful last time. I'll try and make this brief...

I was with my ex husband for over 20 years. To say it was dysfunctional was an understatement. He treated me very badly for a long time. I am mortified that I put up with him and his behaviour towards me for so long but I'm in counselling and trying to deal with it all. I finally left him (had lovely support on here) and have built a life with my DC in a new rented house (we lost our home, another sore point) but am obviously happier. It's hard work but to have escaped such a toxic way of living is bliss. Unfortunately I still have to have regular dealings with him because of the children, he is continuously foul and difficult but I am much stronger and much better at handling him. Been separated around three years and also got divorced in that time.

Just wanted to give that background info. Moving on, after feeling ready (which I now recognise I totally wasn't, just missed sex and was a bit lonely!) and having a few dates with a few different guys I met a lovely man. We've been together over a year. Reading the thread running at the moment about what is a normal relationship, I recognise so much of us about being friends, having each other's back, he's kind, considerate, caring, just all round lovely to me really. Sex life is healthy, I miss him if I've not seen him a while (tho as per other thread I started I do need my own space which was an issue which I think he now understands). BUT!!! I just have this 'but' that I can't put my finger on. I feel I don't fancy him as much as I should. But I love spending time with him, love being with him. He's brilliant with my children, he's a great dad himself and is hard working and decent. My ex was very good looking but was a total dick. Is it because of my past I can't handle being loved? Why are looks so important?! He's not at all unattractive, just not who I would have imagined myself with. I went on a second date not because of a physical attraction but because I was drawn to his values and what he's about.

Is he the wrong person?! I am expecting too much?! I just don't understand this 'but' that I have. I think I spent so long unhappily married that in my head I used to dream about the perfect man. Obviously he doesn't exist! My counsellor says listen to that but, listen to our gut feelings but if didn't see my man anymore I know I would miss him terribly. Sorry to drone on, not sure I'm being clear or even know what I'm asking... but always feels a bit better off the chest!! I just want to understand why I'm not as happy as I should be. Thanks x

After my abusive relationship ended I don't think I was really in a position to move onto another relationship for about 5 years. Spent that time single pretty much. Every time I dated someone I found something I didn't like.

Anyway, I think not jumping into living with him is right. Keep things how they are. I've also been seeing someone for a year who is wonderful but I have no intention of living with him for the foreseeable future.

I think social norms expect us to continually move forward with relationships until we are doing what society expects (live together or get married) I don't believe in that anymore. I like my own time with my dc and focus on work. I like to see my lovely partner a couple of times a week. I don't want normal anymore.

Maybe there is nothing wrong with either of you or the relationship apart from there having to be a "what's next" all the time.

OP I left a 14 year EA marriage and then after a while, met a lovely man who, like you, I respected for his values and integrity in total opposition to my EA twunt of an ex. His looks were never particularly attractive but i carried on seeing him because I was attracted to his lovely grown up trustworthy, safe, personality. We had a lovely friendship and also a fab sex life. But after a year I knew it wasn't right and it needed to end. By this time I was in psychotherapy and ready to brave someone who ticked all the boxes. In short I was ready to get braver and risk getting hurt. This relationship provided me with an 'emotional spa break' (as someone on here so aptly named it). It was a sort of re-bound. A step to something else.

Ending that relationship was agonising and it took ages. But it was the right thing because now I've met someone else who I am crazy about both in terms of looks and personality.

I think physical attraction is important. Part of that unquantifiable mix of dynamics that make relationships work. I think after a year you know if you fancy someone enough. Or not.

Perhaps this guy is your rebound and perhaps in time you'll move on. That's Ok. Take your time to figure it out.

I think it's ok to keep seeing enjoying your relationship with this guy while you figure it out. But also it's equally ok to know that the level of physical attraction isn't there. Not everyone ranks physical attraction as highly. Only you know how important this is. I think you have niggling doubts and should listen to them. In time things will play out as they should.

'Emotional spa break'! That's so so true, what a brilliant description. I too had a brief relationship like this. He remains one of my best friends because he's the most decent of men. You've got great advice here OP. Far better expressed than I could put but I completely agree

I think others have good ideas on what might be happening here, but from my side -

It's worth remembering that many abusive relationships are typically very very addictive in nature, with high highs and low lows. They feel more intense than healthy relationships. You get used to burning with love during the good times, feeling so close to this person, so bonded, like they really love and understand you the way no one else can - it's all part of the abusive cycle.

You really FEEL a lot during certain types of abusive relationships.

In contrast, a healthy happy and peaceful relationship can feel much less stimulating. It's like a cup of tea vs. a snort of cocaine, in some cases. The tea is an infinitely better choice, but when you're used to cocaine, you can find yourself wondering whether tea is "enough".

I've gone through this myself. I'm now coming up on the two year mark meeting my current dp. It took me until around the 18 month mark to begin really feel the kind of intense love emotions that have started to eclipse my previous abusive relationship in terms of intensity (if that makes sense).

And even now, even with these much more intense emotions emerging, they are never going to be as "stimulating" (in the cocaine sense) as the deep highs and lows of the abusive relationship that preceded it. And that's good. Intensity isn't an indication of health iyswim. A healthy relationship should never overwhelm you. So it takes some getting used to, when a previous, lengthy relationship was just that - overwhelming, overstimulating, overly intense.

I think try to relax into things and see whether you can experiment with just allowing it to unfold, without judging whether it is "enough", etc.

Thanks so much, such thoughtful replies, what a kind bunch you are. He's due round soon so will reply properly tomorrow. All of it makes sense, all views. Counsellor says always trust your gut but when I spent so many years getting it wrong, so wrong, that's actually really hard because I don't trust it. Thanks again so much, so helpful x