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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it worth starting this relationship?

8 replies

Zoila15 · 24/08/2017 12:17

Hi lovely people. I would like your advice. I met a guy a few months ago. We had a couple of dates which went really nice, messaged each other but then he suddenly disappeared. He contacted me again a couple of months later apologising and saying that he had issues with his ex girlfriend that he had to resolve and he didn't want to involve me. He sounded sensire and genuine so I went on another date with him. The date went really nice, I had a great time but at the same time I felt a bit reserved and had my guards up and probably didn't send him enough signals that I liked him. I know there is a possibility to start a relationship with him but there are a couple of things that are bothering me. He works abroad: he spends a month working there and then he has a month off in this country. In my mind, I am thinking that the relationship might be quite imbalanced - a month of nothing (just messages/phone calls) followed by a month of everything (he will be at home, will probably want lots of my attention but I also work full time and have kids to look after). It seems to be such a long break to have without seeing and spending time with each other. Can a relationship actually develop and grow? Also, what if he gets a girlfriend there and I would never know (Do I have trust issues?). I am really not sure what is the best thing to do - do not want to have my heart broken and, at the same time, do not want to miss an opportunity. Is it worth giving it a go? Or is it better not to waste time and move on? I like him but, since I have only seen him 3 times and the rest was messaging, there are no deep, true feelings yet. What do you think, kind people? What would you advise? Thank you :)

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 24/08/2017 12:18

I'd rather have someone who lived in the same area as me all the time. I can see it would lead to problems and would rather not get involved, given a choice.

JK1773 · 24/08/2017 12:26

I think I'd rather not personally but I know it works for some people. If you're having doubts already I'd probably leave it there

Leiaemily · 24/08/2017 12:29

I've been with my partner for 6 years and half of that he's been in the army so a similar situation,

My advice to you would be to not do it. It's horrible, one minute they are there, the next they are not. It's lonely and it's suffocating at the same time.

I wish I wasn't in this relationship. Him joining the army was the worst thing he could have ever done.

It's just not worth the heartache.

Zoila15 · 24/08/2017 12:56

Thank you x

OP posts:
Arealhumanbeing · 24/08/2017 13:28

He should have communicated with you when having problems with his ex, not just disappeared. It takes 30 seconds to send a text.

If you really like him give it a go. It does seem though that it's mainly on his terms. Where are you, with your wants and needs in all of this?

TheNaze73 · 24/08/2017 15:16

Don't make excuses for his shit previous behaviour. As Areal said, it takes 30 secs to text.

Tread carefully, people who are genuinely interested don't just disappear.

You'll be a holding gf at best.

Cricrichan · 24/08/2017 15:23

Working abroad is one thing but disappearing without a word is not on. I wouldn't do that to someone and wouldn't I want that done to me.

Ellisandra · 24/08/2017 15:41

Utter bullshit that he had to sort out problems with the ex and (what a hero!) didn't want to involve you.

I was OLD a few years ago, had a date arranged, then had an ex issue. (an emotional one - ex didn't know)
Did I disappear?
Did I fuck.
I told my suitor that I was sorry but not in a place to date due to ex issue.
He went away disappointed but knowing I wasn't some arsehole who treats people badly.
We're now getting married next year Smile

I wouldn't even bother thinking about the working abroad. He's shown you his stripes already.

He got a better offer and then backed the wrong horse.
Or the ex problem was her finding out he was dating you when she didn't know she was an ex... and now she's finally got fed up with him.

There are men with good manners out there - why pick a proven arsehole?

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