How can we help Stepdaughter?

[MaxatAgincourt]

Please bear with me as this is long. I am so worried about my little DSD (7) and obviously so is her dad (but doesn’t access forums etc.) If anyone has any thoughts or advice we would be very grateful.

DH and XW have had a stable shared parenting arrangement since they divorced nearly five years ago. They don’t have a court order but a shared parenting plan agreed via solicitors (this is just for background and so as not to drip feed). The other two DC are now over 18 so this only really affects the youngest child.

DH is lucky to see her everyday. He is very involved in all aspects of her life from medical appointments to having her friends for tea etc.

The format is
Mon/Tues/Fri- DH collects from school, does swimming/reading/dentist/playdates/tea etc. and DC is collected by mum at 6pm
Wednesday- collects from school, stays overnight and dropped off to school in the morning. (As DH goes to work later on Thursday due to school run, DC is collected from school by DH’s mum then collected by DH)
DC then stays either Fri to Sun at 5pm or collected Sat 1pm until Sunday 5pm.
Holidays are supposed to be shared.

This has been the pattern for over five years with some flexibility on both sides. My DH agreed to whatever mum thought best for DSD. I just fit in around it as my own children are grown up and live independently.

DH and I have been married nearly a year (together over 2), I have a good relationship with all the DC. I wasn’t OW and we didn’t rush into the relationship. It has been surprisingly smooth regarding the children but XW has had some moments from time to time (understandably).

At the start of August DC went away for the week with their mum. Since their return little DSD has not wanted to sleep over with us. This was a total shock as DH had received a text part way through the week asking if DSD could stay extra on her return as DSD had missed him.

It is descending into chaos currently. Mum is now stating that DSD doesn’t ever have to stay again and then texting DH saying he needs to put a plan in place to see more of DSD as mum isn’t getting enough of a break. She also wants maintenance recalculated.

DSD is telling us that she is missing mum and wants “Mummy and DSD’s Name” time and telling mum that she is crying herself to sleep with us (Two disturbed bedtimes in over a year!)

They have been coming up with some ideas to try and help SDS. Mum wants to blame dad and dad wants to see what has changed for DSD ( we are aware that for DSD our marriage is still new and have always tried to do what is best ).

Mum suggested that DH starts sleeping with SDS in the same bed because Mum does at home. DH suggested that they took her to speak to the GP to see what is upsetting her (she is also having vivid dreams) but mum doesn’t want to do that in case CAMHS or anyone else becomes involved.

I generally observe and comfort!! On Friday SDS told me that they had been out the night before for a meal. ‘That’s lovely” I said. The next DC (18) started telling me who they had gone to meet and little DSD got really upset and didn’t want her sister to tell us even though her mum had said she could. I asked the older DC last night why DSD was upset to talk about it and they didn’t know as it was ‘just Mum’s new boyfriend’ they had met.

I do worry that while my DH and Exec are looking in the wrong direction. Mum is blaming Dad (as it is our house she doesn’t want to stay at) and Dad thinks DSD is craving her mums attention. I apologise for rambling but I’m worried that they (and me) are not supporting little DSD in the best possible way. Any words of wisdom?

Sounds like dsd wants to be with her dm as she is fearful of being pushed out by new bf. .
But how is she sleeping with dm if new bf is around?
Sounds like keeping to the original arrangements are best. . Stability your end is vital if she feels insecure. . .

I am assuming if children met new boyfriend for the first time last week he isn't at the staying over stage. In fact I am sure mum won't rush anything.

DSD has co slept with mum since the separation. With dad she has her own room and routine. He does sit with her until she is asleep though.

Last night DH and her sister tried to persuade her to stay. She got really upset and came to me crying that they were "complaining in her head" .

I asked her what she really wanted to do and she wanted "mummy and name" time

She went home and told mum that her dad and sis were mean to her.

It is difficult because I think she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feeling.

She's playing up for her Mother's attention, anyone can see that! Your DH is right, bang on.

All you can do is just assure her everyone still loves her and no one will take her place. As hard as it is, do not alter contact. She needs stability now more than ever. Could you maybe start a new routine or a new tradition when she's at yours?
Fill in a diary about what's she's done this week or what she is doing at the weekend, what she has to look forward to, what she'd like to do/to wear etc.
Anything to make her focus on the positives?

As hard as it is, if Mum won't see herself as the problem, there's not much more you can do that you aren't doing.

To me, the level of contact seems to be very uneven and she doesn't appear to spend much time with her mum. Given that she is at school 9-3 mon-fri and you have her every day after school till 6pm, does that mean she only gets from 6-8pm with her mum? (assuming an 8pm ish bedtime) Then she is at yours again every weekend?

Does she spend any full days with her mum?

Apologies if I have ready you OP wrong, I may have gotten myself confused!

Thanks for the replies.

Mum doesn't see it as her problem at all. The messages this week are all about how she won't have time for her self anymore and she is the 24/7 carer which I personally find a bit insulting to DH.

DH suggested they just stick to usual contact but mum won't agree. SDS is still with us the same days but mum is insisting that DH takes her home at 9.30 When he suggested it may be too late for her ( we thought she was just tired after the holiday the first couple of times) and may be better to keep her in her routine he was accused of dictating.

I don't want this to become a mum is wrong so I'll shut up!

I like the ideas of diaries etc and forward planning. We kept a scrap book when we went on holiday which she enjoyed doing at the end of each day.

Foofighter you have not read it wrong which is why I included it in the OP. As much as we enjoy her being with us I personally feel she misses out on time with her mum. This was mum's choice of contact by the way!
She actually goes to bed at 7.30 during school term and 8-8.30 at weekend ( was earlier until recently)

Holidays are shared but we don't really increase overnights as it puts it into 50/50 shared care and mum didn't want that. The text for Bank Holiday arrived two weeks ago stating that she expects dad to have the girls as she wants to go out.

OP, you and your husband sound like wonderful influences on both of the children.

No offence but is her Mother smoking a crack pipe?

9:30 for a 7 year old is absolutely ridiculous, not to mention unfair for you two, when is your break?

I think if she has this mentality, would taking DSD full time for a while be an option? The biggest neon bulb that is shining is that this poor little girl feels pushed out by her mother, all she seems to want to do is have time 'to herself' (her new boyfriend). I bet that all she hears at home is 'I never get a break', 'when is my time off?'

That is not a healthy environment for her to live in. If she only wants her back at 9:30 what is the point of her even coming home? I'd say suggest she stays at yours full time until the end of the holidays and arrange times that are 'convenient' for her mum and see if that makes a difference?

ivenoidea I'm sorry the crack pipe comment made me smile. I wish I could show you some of the messages that have arrived to DH this week, I would include the one that says 'in my job I deal with this every day [children] and I will always be the one to make decisions, you don't know what it is like being a single parent 24/7 or what I go through. I need to have time for myself and you need to rearrange your weekend to accommodate more time with [name] if she is not saying over anymore"
She uses her profession to intimidate DH.

It isn't healthy but I have to say for the most part until recently it has worked. She was a very happy, secure little soul.

I just want to add ( oh boy I a ranting today) that we would be happy to have her, although I am lucky as I get to do the nice bits and DH deals with the actual parenting .

As for breaks we do usually get the evening to ourselves (this week and next will be a little different as it's holidays and she is with us from 7.30 am to late evening as it's DH's share of holidays)

I would just like to stress that while I consider us lucky to have DSD so much I believe that a child has a right to quality time with both parents and we would do everything to support that.

It's that the new boyfriend has made her insecure I think.

The difficulty is that the mum seems to spend most of the time she has DD sleeping with her. It's not a good idea, not because of the cosleeping but because the mum seems to be approaching almost her entire contribution to DD as sleeping in the same bed.

I think TBH you can't really do anything about what she chooses to do re DD if she has the attitude she seems to have.

You can only really change what you do or keep it the same.

Perhaps mediation would be helpful. Maybe h should stop having DD for tea everyday and on nights when she sleeps with mum she should also spend time with mum or alternatively DD could spend majority of the time with you and see mum on her days off work.

Either way the problem is DD feels insecure about her relationship with her mother and this can only be resolved by her mother changing how she relates to DD. Stop sleeping together and spending time together when DD is awake.

As I said on another thread, facilitating a good relationship with the other parent is really important, but you are only creating misery for everyone if your efforts to achieve this are actually just facilitating the crap parenting of the other parent. TBH I think this arrangement is doing the latter ATM.

It sounds to me like there is just too much back and forth, turmoil, and lack of routine for a 7 year old.

Thanks all for the replies.

aqua the system/routine has been in place for 5 years previously and yes I agree at the moment is has descended into turmoil.

I sometimes feel like I can't say too much as I am critiscising someone else's parenting so I see your point Offred and complete agree.

When I met DH I was impressed with the communication levels between both parents until I realised that it was very one sided. DH admits he agreed to everything as he believed it was better for the girls because their mother said it was. As I say she used her profession to intimidate him.

I came along determined not to interfere in what had always worked for them but if I didn't believe it is in the best interests of the DC I had to say something to DH. Instead of him just doing what he is told now he does consider what is right but now gets told not to dictate to her as it is up to her as resident parent.

For example be has suggested the above ( staying at ours, going home earlier , moving to alternate weekends to give them both equal time) but has it all thrown back at him for not wanting to see DSD.

I wish they would go to mediation as I think it would be useful but she has refused.

Thank you for all your suggestions . Still not sure what can be done when one or both party refuses to budge and believes they are completely right and justified on their actions.

As a single parent with no support I take exception of this 'breaks' entitlement.

This sounds like a lot of upheaval for a stil very young child, who probably temporarily feels insecure and wants to see her Mum more. There's no 'blame' here, there's just the current (which will undoubtedly change) needs of a young child that should be taken into consideration.

Her parents appear to be more concerned with territory, as opposed to the current and ever changing needs of their child.

Mediation and if she refuses then court unfortunately.

Your DH needs to be more assertive about this as doing it all his ex's way has just resulted in contact being all about what ex wants and damaging DD's relationship with her mother.

In the past I have pointed out to both my kids' dads that actually I am pointing out xyz thing because I am interested in the DC having good relationships with them.

I don't want the DC to have a bad relationship with them because I want DC to be OK.

His ex can't have it both ways. She can't be the resident parent (the maintenance is based on overnights but that is just the maintenance) but not do any of the parenting and if she is not doing any of the parenting (while she can receive the money for the overnights) she can't expect her DD to feel secure about her or use the 'I'm the resident parent' line.

I think DH needs to correct her TBH when she says 'I'm the parent 24/7'. He needs to say 'we share care of DD. What I am trying to say to you is I think DD is feeling a bit insecure about you at the moment and you need to spend some time reassuring her. I'm prepared to see her less for a while so that you can do that'

Just don't get drawn into her starting with 'I' statements and bring them all back to DD.

So 'I'm the resident parent' - 'we share care' 'we're discussing x thing to do with DD' 'we need to decide how to work together to help DD with x'

'I work with children' - 'we're talking about DD' 'I'd like us to support each other to coparent DD well'

'I need a break' - only say yes if benefit to DD.

I truly believe that ex thinks she is a great parent. She has firm ideas of what parenting involves. It's just a mess with a little girl caught up in the middle!! I do think she is wanting her mum more and wants to sleep at home because it is the only time she spends with her mum.

Maintenance is a bit contentious at the moment too which was why I wasn't surprised when DSD had only NOT stayed for one night ( as I say we thought it was just overtiredness after the holiday) and ex asked for a readjustment. This is because DH has altered payments earlier this year for his 20 year old- while she is at uni. ( I had a whole other post under a different username). It has also been a factor in the number of overnights allowed which is silly because DH would pay anyway ( has and still does pay over ).

I just want DSD to be her normal happy self or at least try and tell us what is wrong.

I am really just rambling now. I don't really want to discuss this with anyone I know . I was a lone parent for a long time with an un-involved father. My children also had a SF for a number of years and I have been a SD for over 40 years so I really try to see all sides...

Offred I cross posted but will be back to reply to your last posts

Offred
That is exactly the conversation I had with DH last night. He even replied to a message with the we need to decide how to work together to help DD .

Going all the way back to the very first post for a minute I think a battle over who is right/to blame for this is distracting from coming up with a solution.

DH believes (rightly I suspect) that DD is insecure generally about her mum because of the current care arrangements. DD's mum is defensive and is asserting (wrongly I suspect) that it is a problem with your house.

It should really be easy to avoid talking about why DD feels this way (and getting into who is right and wrong) and agree some way of DD having more reassurance about mum.

He needs to find some way of getting DD's mum to agree to do something to reassure DD. They don't need to resolve who is right about why she is feeling this way.

So you have the route of trying to communicate between them, if that doesn't work him going for an assessment for mediation so that if she refuses she will have to refuse the mediator (rather than just telling him she doesn't want to go) and then him applying to court and citing her refusal of mediation, DD's insecurity and it being impossible to resolve it without a court order setting out responsibilities.

I agree it's likely to be the new BF situation that's upsetting her - and possibly a big dollop of hormones.

My girl is 8. Split at 4. I've always worked abroad so from age 1 she's been used to being apart, long before divorce.

Last year, not long after her stepmother (who she likes!) moved in, she was in floods of tears and up all night desperate to be with me. It was so bad that I flew home a day early. (XH agreed)

We had about a month of her getting very upset at bedtime, wanting to call me when she usually doesn't, saying she missed me, not sleeping.

I cut my work travel, and reduced the nights with her dad. Gave her lots of cuddles. Worked with him to avoid the critical times - e.g. If she phoned me at 19:00 she said she missed me but didn't cry. If it was bedtime, she was a state.

Fortunately, XH and I have always been flexible, and there was no-one talking about maintenance (I don't claim it though I could)

I know it's not the same - in your case, the BF is at her mum's. But it's a change that is unsettling her.

I would maybe look at her contact schedule - it does seem very back and forth, and may no longer suit her. I'd increase time with her mum if she needs that to get her through, but be clear to her it's temporary, and make sure she's with dad sometimes too. Add Skype to her mum, but be careful about timing - morning before school? Not when she's tired and over wrought. And try to weather the storm.

It's heartbreaking though

Once again. Thank you all. It's interesting to read.

Ellisandra. It is hearbreaking. I like how you resolved it for your daughter.

The problem we have is that mum is insisting dad has her more of the awake time so even though the overnights are currently less she is still not gaining time with mum as mum reay can't see that is her problem. She keeps message DH saying he needs to come up with solutions and the then saying he can't dictate to her when he suggests something.

He then refuses to engage in the back and forth and nothing is resolved. I do feel they are focussing on blame rather than a solution though

The BF has only met the girls once but they have been aware of him for a number of weeks I believe.

I was concerned it was a delayed reaction to my relationship with her dad but she seems to forget I wasn't always around if that makes any sense?