How did you find out in the end?

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

On MN recently, I'm noticing a lot of cheating threads and how they honestly wouldn't have believed their partner could do this and get away with it for so long and them have no clue whatsoever.

One person recently said her husband had not changed his behaviour at all, and is probably how he managed to conduct the affair for so long. She found out by accident.

It made me think, how did you find out?
Is it true what they say on MN? Trust your gut instinct.
What are the give away signs, that made you think something isn't right here.
Or was it accidental finding out.

Do you think in a few years the example I gave above will be able too look back, and realise there was signs and she just didn't notice?

That's a lot of questions, Kungfupandaworksout16.

Are you having suspicions?

Yep - gut instinct both times.
Did some digging.
It was harder with ExH as there wasn't so much social media etc... so had to rely on phone bills.
Recent ExP, found out about his porn addiction from his internet history on his ipad and found about all the women he was trying it on with via messenger on his ipad and found out about one of the OW on messenger on his ipad and the other one from how often he was online etc.. on whatsapp.
I had full access and he knew that.
God when I think back on it he was such a fucking dick!
I would imagine with the new one he's much more careful as he knows exactly how I found out.
He had no idea any pictures sent by whatsapp go directly to your camera roll. And oh deary me - what I saw, there is not enough brain bleach in the world!

For me the signs both times were mobile phones.
Far more secretive.
Turning the screen away from me.
Taking phone to the bathroom etc...
On phone a lot more than normal.
And like I said - just a gut feeling.
Like my stomach literally did somersaults.

unanswered
I'm not having doubts. It was because of the sudden threads of cheating partners and how they didn't suspect a thing and it was a sheer accident they found out. It made me wonder, were the signs always there or are some people that good at leading a double life.

Some people are good at leading a double life, but it must emotionally be exhausting for anyone with a conscience.

Plus, in today's world it's incredibly easy to start and maintain an affair while maintaining a seemingly normal schedule:

Internet meeting and dating (very little effort needed), emails and texts and snapchat (no need to date, really, business travel and conferences and flexi time and off-site meetings (say no more).

Someone can do all that and still be home for dinner or on the weekends, taking the kids to their football match.

The ow text me...and also told me about all the other women he had been sleeping with. She'd been with him 6 years, I'd been with him for 5 of those years.

We had a nice, civilised text chat, neither one of us had any issue with the other.

So grapes and top if them circumstances hadn't of happened would you have suspected?

I always had a suspicion but he would constantly deny and tell me he loved me and that he always had.

Good old gut instinct for me.

Did I have suspect if any of the following i describe hadn't happened?I always thought they might be capable of cheating, my partner had history of cheating and bad life choices before we met but put it down to being young and inexperienced. We were together for 25+ years so thought that was all behind us.

Fast forward 25 years and there were a few signs, suddenly glue'd to phone, secretive with phone, going out/away a lot more with work, more nights out with mates, distant, flirtatious with others (even when i was there!).

Then there were a few more obvious signs, but I went into a kind of denial mode. Even asked outright "Are you having an affair?" reply "No".

Similar to GrapesAreMyJam issue with partners phone, I offered to fix it, something told me to check texts..you can probably work out the rest.

Heartbroken, but realise now I am so much better off with not having someone who is willing to cheat and tear a family apart for their own selfish and entitled reasons.

The old line once a cheater, always a cheater was very true in my case. It might take many years, but IME it's who they are, they have a shitty moral compass and always reveal their 'True Self' over time.

Avoiding me. Going 'out with friends' more than usual. Coming to bed much later to avoid sex. Turning down an offer of a lift back from the airport. All weird.
Looked at his phone and there it was

Gut instinct.

Dh came home from work one day, waited for kids to be in bed and then told me - all of it , from A through to Z.

top I am so sorry to hear that I hope you're ok!

So it does from these responses there was some kind of sign.

pausing was that because of guilt? Did you suspect him though.

kung
All better now thank you.

OWs dh had raised suspicions previously with me, which were dismissed - she was my bff ffs. Few months later sent through screen shots of sexting. She finally admitted affair, and I can honestly say I had no inkling of it up until the screenshots. Not the tiniest suspicion.

Kungfupandaworksout16
There was guilt yes also 22kg weight loss with stress. At time I was a mess as I was grieving a lost parent, knew things were weird but emotionally wrecked already.
The main factor in telling me that particular day was he hadn't been to work as I innocently assumed but had spent day off with OW discussing him telling me.
Ow had booked week off work to enable him to move in.

Distance. He's distanced himself emotionally. He wasn't interested in anything I had to say.

Then he started being scornful and nasty. Started encouraging the dcs to be disobedient and rude.

It was like he was trying to start arguments. Trying to cause upset and make us row to create even more of a distance between us.

I was just a bit bewildered by it all really. Then one night, he was asleep and I took his 'phone and looked at his work emails. There in the trash was one set of emails. He was obviously usually meticulous about deleting any evidence but maybe he was tired that particular evening.

I was sitting on the loo, holding the 'phone in disbelief, thinking of all the women on MN whose stories I had read and thinking, "It's my turn now. This is it."

An awful time. I don't think I will ever trust anyone ever again.

Complete surprise...closed kitchen door so DC couldn't hear and told me he'd fallen in love (sadly she hadn't ). Cue months running into yrs if despair. With hindsight, his love affair with his iphone, special girly friends who he was mentoring with work, encouraging their running..a string of women he bought lunches and coffee for hoping for something back....pathetic flirtatious behaviour and increased spite to me and DD (we are so second-rate after all). I gave him the benefit of the doubt...eyes now opened. No one has taken him on.