Huge argument last night. I'm really confused and can't work out where my head is today. I slept on the sofa and haven't really slept. I haven't eaten since yesterday lunchtime. He has told me that I don't consider or allow him to have feelings, that I'm cold and that I just use him as my whipping post, person to dump on. I feel deeply hurt and misunderstood because I just don't think this is true. But every story has two sides and I guess I do have a tendency to be big with emotions, difficult and angry. Maybe it's the way I'm acting in general rather than anything that's directed at him. I also think it's based on the past couple of days rather than a long period of time. I was so worn out the other day after a full day of meltdowns, that I didn't have any energy to do anything by the end of the day. I went to bed to have some quiet and down time before their bedtime as I thought he was going out. I have been phoning and face timing him in the day because I haven't known how to deal with situations with the children (DD1 hitting, kicking, screaming, shouting) and wanted some parental back up and also to show him how bad they are - it has been very hard work. Apparently, I am very wrong to do this. DH works for the family company and is the only person in his remote office. I don't think a couple of short calls for some support are a big deal. His friend thinks we should go to marriage counselling, he has been scared to raise this as he thinks he will reactivate my anxiety (diagnosed 2 years ago) and that I would think it was heading for divorce. He doesn't like feeling lonely - he often sleeps on the sofa as the girls sleep in our bed and is terrified that if I instigated divorce I would take the children with me and he'd be left on his own.
I haven't once considered divorce, I often tell him it's time for bed (he falls asleep watching TV). Last night when DD1 came in, I gave her a cuddle and told her to go back to her bed. Hearing her sobs, he said to let her in and that it's not a problem. I can't win!
Its the 6th week of the summer holiday's. I'm a SAHM. I have a 2,5 year old and 4 year old. DD1 is starting school in September and we've had a few behavioural problems over summer which I've attributed to this and to being a bit bored. I have tried so hard to keep them entertained (big days out, simple days, friends... we haven't had a day of not doing at least one activity) and to keep on top of the house. I fired our cleaner as the cost of entertaining the children plus having a cleaner who wasn't brilliant was a drain in all sorts of ways. The house is another bone of contention. I really want to move house as I feel ours is too small; DH is interested in checking things out but is finding the thought of moving on top of my rudeness / distance, the stress and tiredness from work too much. This was the start of the argument last night when he thought I was trying to convince him to move into a certain house. I guess I was looking at it more objectively and thinking of ways that we could make aspects of a horribly decorated larger house better. I do see that the extra space would be a huge bonus, the house ticks a lot of boxes and I wanted to go through the pros and cons. I knew he wouldn't;t be so keen as it's not the sort of house he wants. So, the conversation whipped up a big row. I then explained that I've been struggling with the summer holidays and that I'm tired and worn out from constantly entertaining, sorting out arguments, decluttering, tidying toys, moving things around, general housework, arranging holiday's (3 trips away - I do all packing, sorting out on top of the usual stuff), running nearly every aspect of the household, and generally sorting out everyone's stuff. I'm really very worn out. I have been drinking more than usual, although I have stopped this week, because I haven't been coping. I haven't been interested in sex, again, I'm worn out and just tired. Last night I had some suicidal thoughts - not that I would do something but more a fantasy about escape, I think. I have had these frequently during bouts of bad depression and anxiety in the past. It's like my brain can't cope any more and just wants to turn everything off.
I don't know where to start. Apparently, I don't listen, I don't allow him to complain or have feelings. If I tell him that what he's saying about me is wrong or misinterpreted I'm not letting him have his feelings. I feel utterly broken this morning.
He made breakfast for everyone and tidied the house so that I would be "Happy". I thanked him for breakfast and followed immediately with "and I tidied, so that you would be less stressed' I feel like I have to be thankful for everything. I don't feel like it is like this the other way around, like "ah, wife here are clean pants in my drawer, thank you for the clean pants" He usually says thanks for making dinner, and thanks for organising / packing holiday I appreciate it. He's a brilliant man and I love him dearly. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I don't do enough.