Can't move on from OH emotional affair

[Leiaemily]

Okay, so last year I had my second child. First child for my current partner. We've been together for 6 years.

Just after the baby was born, I found he was messaging this girl behind my back for months. He was sending her photos of my new born son. I had no idea who she was. I only got to see a couple of messages before he snatched the phone out of my hand. He was so nice to her. He said nothing ever happened. Turns out he'd been talking to her while I was in this hospital with our baby, and while he was in special care.

He used to treat me like shit. What got me was how nice he was to this girl.

He's in the army so most of our relationship was based via telephone. I used to wait anxiously for his calls and texts. Turns out he spent most of his time messaging her. She is a friend of one of his army mates.

After I found out, he broke up with me. The baby had only been out of hospital for 2 days.

I had a breakdown, ended up with post partum psychosis. Had the worse few months of my life. Then he decided to come back, and I stupidly let him.

It's been a year now and as the time of year comes round I find myself even more angry.

We did our first therapy session today (on our anniversary) and it's opened up old wounds. I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I look at him all I think about his how he broke my trust and ruined the birth of my son. That's time I will never ever get back.

I don't know how I'm going to get past this.

I feel so pathetic because he said nothing happened and she was just someone to talk to. But he had me, his mates, his family. Why wasn't I enough?

No advice, I'm sorry you're going through this awful time. Therapy is great, but can be very painful as old wounds are re-examined.

Please look after yourself and don't minimise the effect that this has had on you.

:( Really sorry to hear this OP.

Would it help to focus on the fact that he was sending her pictures of his son, and therefore must have been really proud of what you'd created together? It'd be a very strange photo to send to a girl you liked in a romantic or sexual way, so it does suggest that perhaps it was just a platonic person to talk to.

I don't know though without knowing the ins and outs- but I hope it gets easier.

Oh sweetheart it has nothing to do with you not being 'enough', this is about him not you. Which is why the majority of the effort to try to fix it should be coming from him. If it's not, if you still feel he hasn't done/isn't doing enough to rebuild what he destroyed then of course you will be feeling angry and betrayed. Who pushed for/organised the therapy? I'm not saying your relationship can't be repaired (if that's what you want) but he has to fix it primarily.

It was me who instigated therapy. I've been doing it on and off for years and yesterday he finally came to a session with me.

I literally now feel like it happened all over again. I can't even look at him at the moment.

I feel so pathetic.

You're not pathetic.

It's just gunna take time. You're feeling resentful and sometimes, it's hard to move on from that feeling.

Is this something you can forgive? Not now, but down the line?

I'm struggling to understand why you'd want to get past it tbh.

He sounds like scum.

I'm not sure if I can get past it. Like I said, it's been a year now and I'm still upset.

He's trying to make things better. I just don't know if it's enough anymore.

You need to ask yourself this. Can you forgive him and move on ? Do you trust him not to do this again ? Do you know 100% that it was not physical ? Is he a good father to your child ? Is he the husband you envisaged for you self ? Do you love him enough to get over this ? If you see a future with him then you need to work through these either with the counselling or in your own mind.

Even more worrying than the texting of this girl is the fact that he treated you like shit, even when you were giving birth to his child!!

Are you sure he is worth staying with?

He's not the same anymore. Since he got caught out, he's treated me differently. Guilt I guess.

I wish I could speak to her and let her know how much she ruined everything. I hate the fact she's just swanning around without any care or remorse.

As soon as i found out, she blocked me on all social media instantly.

She didn't ruin anything: it's him. He's the one in a relationship. It's a shitty thing he has done.

Sooner or later his guilt will dry up. How will he treat you then?

I mean, who dumps someone 2 days after they gave birth???? That was the real him. She didn't make him do that.

Don't blame her, blame him!!

I had a similar experience only did have an affair and then left once the baby was born. Unfortunately they both lived together locally and I had to share few work related situations with the OW.
Complete hell. Even after a few years the sight of one of them just brought it straight back.
All you can do is wait it out and do really positive things for yourself and your child. Once you feel a bit more worthwhile in yourself you'll be able to think about him more logically. But it is very very hard especially when the repetive nature of bring up a toddler is your life. Time is your friend here.

I blame them both. She knew I existed. She probably knew the ins and outs of our relationship. I would never dream of being involved with someone else's partner. That's just a no go for me. So disrespectful. And it winds me up to high heaven that I can't say anything to her?

Today is much worse than yesterday. I can't even bare to be around him. I wish I'd never gone to therapy yesterday. I'm so angry

It's not the therapy's fault! You seem to be blaming everyone except your partner. Why are you with a guy that dumped you with a two day old baby, had (at the least) an EA and makes you feel like this? An army guy at that and from experience related to my line of work, I know a high proportion of them play around. Is it really worth it? Hard, hard decision but a bit of short term pain would be better for you in the long term surely than staying with this person? Find someone who truly loves and appreciates you. This guy is not it.

I'm not saying it's the therapys fault at all. It's just a hard process to go through. And yes, I blame him. But I also blame her. It takes two to tango.

Maybe the relationship is doing you more harm than good.

How did he end up getting back with you,? Begging? Pleading? Apologies?

Is he remorseful?
What is he doing to make you feel safe in the relationship?

If he's really serious about helping you heal from his indiscretions?

If he's serious he should join www.survivinginfidelity.com and read through the wayward spouse forums.