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Original poster

What is an emotional affair and would you like to know?

42 replies

revolution909 · 23/08/2017 23:07

If you've seen my other posts people have suggested my DH is having an emotional affair, but regardless of that , that made me wonder.

What do you consider an emotional affair?

When somebody flirts and the other person doesn't reject the advances, would you consider that cheating?

Would you like to know?

An emotional affair to me, seems like an "emotional connection" something that you don't get from your SO and you have it elsewhere.

Flirting, well I guess it depends how far it goes. Smiles and whatever are fine. Unnecessary physical contact maybe not so much

I've always been of the position that I would never want to know.

Just interested about different POV's :)

OP posts:
JK1773 · 23/08/2017 23:12

I think an emotional affair is when you are emotionally involved with the other person. That can be flirting, maybe (often) not. Conversation that you somehow rely on because you believe you have a 'connection'. When you crave the interaction, even if it's purely platonic. I think flirting is entirely different from an emotional affair. Flirting is just testing the waters and based around sex. Emotional affairs are far more involved.

Peanutbuttercheese · 23/08/2017 23:13

I think an emotional affair in its earlier stages when nothing has been actually said is when that person occupies someone's mind a lot. I would imagaine that they would turn to that person first as well with news, whether good or bad.

Original poster
revolution909 · 23/08/2017 23:20

To you what's the difference between that and a crush? It would seem like they overlap. Also I think in emotional affairs both parties are aware of it.

OP posts:
memove · 23/08/2017 23:33

This is an interesting one.

It seems to usually happen at work. You see that person all day every day. You don't have to deal with pants on floor and washing up in sink. You get to 'perform' and be funny, engaging and driven.

You share in jokes and time your lunches/breaks to co incide with the other person's. Your routine becomes about them.

When I was single I nearly got this far with a male colleague who was married. We had the same soh and would laugh about tv shows, catch phrases and sketches (this was a looong time ago). We'd chat about colleagues, shared interests... then there'd be a text - did you know X was on TV tonight....

It's such a slow burn. The person ticks all the boxes but you never see their bad side I guess?

DrCoconut · 23/08/2017 23:35

My husband got involved in an EA with a woman he met online. I think it would have become physical if I hadn't found out when I did, I think they were within weeks of meeting. It had progressed beyond a bit of a connection or harmless chat by then. I suspected something was wrong as he seemed so absent even when he was at home and was always on his phone. But I initially put it down to the phone being new and him loving his technology, being busy at work etc. I eventually found their messages and I wonder if he wanted to be found out by that stage as he was in way over his head. She was threatening to harm herself if he didn't contact her as demanded which obviously put him under pressure if it didn't fit with what was happening at home. At first he denied he'd done anything wrong, they were just friends etc. Then I asked him if he tells all his friends what he's thinking about doing to them and he had to admit it had gone way too far. We have worked it out to a point for our DC, but things will never be the same again. I can't unread those messages, the unfair things that lowlife tried to put in his head about his family to make her seem like a better option and the only smugness I can have is that he chose us in the end. But it's done an immense amount of damage and I don't really respect him any more. I guess that is the price he pays for what he did but it has cost me too. EA's suck as much as any other type, maybe more as they can't claim it meant nothing.

memove · 23/08/2017 23:38

@DrCoconut I think they can be more damaging as they gnaw at your soul.

Physical stuff is very black and white but emotions are so integral to us. So I'm not surprised you'd struggle after what your husband did.

Giraffey1 · 23/08/2017 23:40

A crush is quite different to an emotional affair, I think. A crush is all one-sided and the other person is blissfully unaware (usually - and if they are aware, it's unreciprocated). And emotional affair has two willing players.

JetBoyJetGirl · 23/08/2017 23:48

When somebody flirts and the other person doesn't reject the advances, would you consider that cheating?

It really depends what would happen if the other person didn't reject the advances.

If their fidelity depends on the willingness of the other party to engage in an extramarital affair with them, then I'd consider them to be a cheat.

Original poster
revolution909 · 23/08/2017 23:59

@DrCoconut I'm sorry you went through that.
@Giraffey1 crushes also seem cringe worthy to third parties?
@JetBoyJetGirl but would you consider them both cheaters (supposing they're both taken)? Surely a good partner would simply put a stop to / reject them?

OP posts:
JetBoyJetGirl · 24/08/2017 00:04

Well no, I wouldn't consider them both cheaters because the person who rejected the advances would clearly not be of a mind to cheat. Whereas the person making the advances was.

A good partner would put a stop to it, yes.

Original poster
revolution909 · 24/08/2017 00:11

What about if both of them played along but it always stays at the flirting stage.

Would that be considered cheating?

OP posts:
JetBoyJetGirl · 24/08/2017 00:23

I think I'd wonder how I could be so sure it stayed at the flirting only.

I think it would be unusual for adults to engage in that level of flirting for there not to be any underlying desire. Otherwise, what gives it its energy? What is the impetus to flirt?

I think that if they would both like something to happen, but don't act up on it at the moment out of 'respect' for their respective spouses, then that would make me feel very uncomfortable at the very least.

rockshandy · 24/08/2017 00:24

An emotional affair to me, seems like an "emotional connection" something that you don't get from your SO and you have it elsewhere.

I have emotional connections to my good friends and I get something from them that I don't get from my DH. I often share things with them first or exclusively. But they are female and I am heterosexual.

So for me an emotional affair is more than that. It's probably when the emotional connection takes over or replaces that between you and your SO. When it eats into and clouds the time you spend with your partner.

I have a male friend who I have never felt anything for more than friendship, and I have to continually justify my friendship with him to people. Surprisingly not to my DH, though he is starting to feel that if people say there is a problem there must be one even though he doesn't even think there is. I am probably going to lose a very dear and very old friend because people can't believe that males and females can be "just" friends. However, I digress.

Its a hard thing to define as everyone has their own idea of where the boundary is.

Catrina1234 · 24/08/2017 00:26

It's an affair without the sex.

Original poster
revolution909 · 24/08/2017 00:30

@JetBoyJetGirl I'm with you there.. Something would be bound to happen at some point., and surely the honourable thing would be to cut all ties?

@rockshandy I don't think you should. My best friend is a guy who I've been friends with for 17 years. There is no way on earth we'll stop being friends just because of what other people think.

OP posts:
pinkunicornsarefluffy · 24/08/2017 00:31

Emotional affair

Thinking about that person all the time
Texting/emailing them and hiding it from your partner
Telling them things you wouldn't tell your partner
Texting them first thing and last thing
Being so absorbed in them that they become more important than your partner
Telling each other that you understand them better than their partner does
Becoming addicted to having contact with them and panicking when you don't

Original poster
revolution909 · 24/08/2017 00:33

@pinkunicornsarefluffy that's pretty much how I understand them.

OP posts:
rockshandy · 24/08/2017 00:34

I don't think I should either, and if it was just other people I could deal with it. But if my DH is going to have it in his head all the time I would rather not have to deal with that or put us through that.

Original poster
revolution909 · 24/08/2017 00:40

@rockshandy that has happened to me, and I told my DH to suck it up. Surely, my friend lives in another continent, but I stood my ground enough that there's a photo of him with my DD on the mantelpiece. He's her godfather :) . Now that was maybe 5-6 years ago? And now it's water under the bridge

OP posts:
SpencerSweetPeas · 24/08/2017 00:41

I think it's probably past flirting if it's an EA.

Flirting can be a 'social' thing as much as a sexual thing, and is generally when you're getting to know somebody I would say (or want to get to know them better I suppose).

Original poster
revolution909 · 24/08/2017 00:50

@SpencerSweetPeas but surely some things cross the line? Like I mentioned - invading personal space so much that bodies brush each others, or repeatedly poking/touching someone?

that just simply seems like too much to me and acting like nothing happened would even make it worse.

OP posts:
Shankarankalina · 24/08/2017 00:56

I could tell my now ex H was day dreaming about being elsewhere. The music in the car was slightly too loud. Trying to hide a smile when he had to make a 'work call.' Getting home from work and delaying getting out of the car so he could check his phone one last time (I could see from the kitchen.). Home was a place he lived while dreaming of a different life.

Leiaemily · 24/08/2017 01:05

This time last year, I gave birth to my second child but first with my partner. It was all very happy until I used his phone and found messages from a girl. He had been sending photos of our new born to her. I had no idea who she was but it had been going on for months. He was messaging her while I was in the hospital giving birth, and while our son was in special care. I was utterly heartbroken but didn't know how to justify my feelings as nothing technically had happened. What got me the most was that he used to treat me like shit sometimes, but he was so nice to her in these messages. It literally tore my world apart. Later that day, he broke up with me two days after our baby being discharged from the special care unit. He continued to speak to her. Months later, he came back and I stupidly let him.

Today we had our first therapy session together. Turns out I'm not over it and won't be for a long time. But still, in my head, I'm trying to justify my feelings because it feels like he cheated.

He's in the army. So our relationship was mainly via telephone. All I used to do was wait for his call or text. What tore my heart out was the fact he was making the effort to contact somebody else and not me. Sometimes I just wish he had outright cheated on me just so I can get my head around it.

He said it was just because it was someone to speak to but he has all of his friends and me, plus family. Why need someone else? This girl, funnily enough, was a friend of one of his mates.

I've never felt so much hate and anger for such a long time. I don't see myself ever moving on from this.

Original poster
revolution909 · 24/08/2017 01:17

@Shankarankalina what happened in the end?

@Leiaemily I'm glad you're taking the right steps. I think both types of cheating are just as bad.

OP posts:
Mrstrumpalot · 24/08/2017 01:38

Giving more emotionally to the other person than you would to your dp.
Sharing thoughts and emotions with somebody else which you know your dp would not feel happy about.
Everything that would happen in an affair bar any physical contact.