Starting IVF, DH is nervous about it working

[Jamon]

I don't know what to do. We've been trying to conceive for two years. Tomorrow is our first appointment to kick off IVF treatment. I'm incredibly nervous and emotional and terrified it won't work.

DH finds big life decisions and changes very very hard. It took him 8 years to propose to me. Buying our first home led to many all night tearful conversations and soul searching . I had to do everything to make it happen.

Over the two years we've been trying I've thought several times I might be pregnant. Each time DH has freaked, expressing all his deep fears and anxieties about becoming a parent. I spent hours one evening reassuring him, before discovering my period had started.

Now it's the night before our first IVF appointment and he asked me - thoughtfully how I felt. I said scared and emotional , scared it won't work, scared of miscarriage if it does. But that I feel we need to give it a try.

I asked him how he felt - and he said nervous too and angry and embarrassed it's come to this. But then went on to say he's still nervous about it happening. He said I thought I would get to my 30s and want it more.

I cried and said I can't do this with him if he isn't fully on board. How can I go through IVF thinking he's nervous about it working?

Is this normal? Should I be more sympathetic to his fears? He says he does want children and is scared of IVF not working. How can he be scared of it working AND not working???

I just feel so so alone. Like I'm going through this alone.

Aww , he's just an indecisive person, that's all.

Go for your IVF - and good luck!

It's a massive step to start IVF, and it's completely normal to feel scared & nervous and all of the other emotions you are experiencing.
I suspect your DH is just expressing his fears in a different way and doesn't intend to worry you, but at the same time isn't being very sensitive to how it come across.

Go to your appointment tomorrow & hopefully the advice and guidance you receive will set both your minds at rest.

Very best of luck for your treatment

God, I think I'm the female version of your DH.

We agreed to TTC and when we got the BFP I cried bucket loads and said I wasn't ready.

Did the same when we bought our house.

I do the same with holidays.

I am just as bad with small things, buying presents, choosing decor, the paint aisle in B&Q sends me into a tailspin.

I just panic that if I have to make a decision, I'll make the wrong one.

I'm a right royal pain in the arse, tbh.

Good luck with the IVF. I hope it works (and your DH will be fine if and when it does).

Wow, these are some very understanding PPs!

I'm not sure what to advise OP, but I would also find this incredibly frustrating. I hope it works out for you

I think you need to stop worrying about him TBH and let him have to sit with and deal with his own feelings.

What he has chosen to do is go along with the IVF, marriage, house etc in the past even though he had anxiety.

If you always mother him whenever he is anxious then you will get anxious about him but you will deprive him of the chance to develop his own coping mechanisms for feeling anxious.

The things he has been anxious about are big things. His anxiety levels may be abnormal.

It won't help if you also take on his level of anxiety as well as your own.

It sounds as if he has never been 'fully on board' with anything in life. That is how he has always been.

Has he ever sought counselling for this anxiety about decision making and life changes? I think he should. You can't continue to absorb all the impact once you have a child. They will have to come first.

I disagree with AutumnRose - my XH was a limp waste of space during IVF (although his limpness wasn't the critical factor in needing it ) (and before anyone with ED has a go, his limpness wasn't due to that) Anyway - emotionally a limp waste of space.

I'm strong enough on my own, and relied on friends, family, and an IVF forum when I needed a boost.

And it worked.

Far better if he's a strong support of course - but don't think you can't go through this.

People who hadn't faced IVF used to say to me how hard it must be, how strong you had to be... in my experience it was harder to go through the years of TTC with no result, I had to be stronger not to crack up during that!

You (and he) have made it through that, you can do this

Sounds like he's the type to never happily commit to a course of action even if he's actually OK with it. If you can live with that - go for the IVF, and good luck!

Op Ive been through IVF, for 3 years before finally having success. My husband was no use to me during that time honestly. He was onboard and did everything he had to do. He said all the right things. But he was not nearly as invested as me, though I knew he did want kids he probably would have been happy to "see what happens" for another 3 years before doing anything about it. I took the brunt of it all really. But he was delighted when we got there and hes a great Dad. I honestly think most guys are just a bit crap at dealing with actual serious life changing things. You know in your heart if he wants this. Just be realistic in your expectations of both the treatment and of your husbands level of support.

I agree. Counselling would help him but he would need to want it.

I know it feels like it is all so negative but there are some potential positives there.

If he is actually happy with the house, marriage etc and it is just him having anxiety then although he is anxious about things and actually struggles to make decisions in the end he does actually make the decisions.

The thing really for you is not being his crutch.

Oh and very best of luck

I think it is healthy and honest for him to express his mixed feelings and I don't think that you need to "fix" those feelings or the situation or take on the burden of reassuring him or trying to persuade him that his feelings are wrong or unreasonable or anything. So, he says how he feels, you say how you feel and then you carry on doing what you have already agreed that you are going to do.

I know when you are feeling vulnerable and unsure yourself, it sometimes feels that it would be nice if he would be all decisive and manly and protective but that's not the man you married and there are definite disadvantages to that dynamic aswell.

Don't try and change him. Change the way you react. It isn't your job to comfort and reassure him right now. He needs to sort that out for himself.

It's OK for him to feel mixed feelings.

Having said that, please just understand that as a prospective parent, you need to always keep in mind that there's a possibility you may be left holding the baby, literally and figuratively.

He may be the loveliest person in the world but if he had a head injury tomorrow he could forget who you are and you'd need to cope somehow with no support at all from him.

In these kinds of situations I always advise women to treat the whole thing, in their minds, as something they need to do alone. So, draw together support from others besides your partner. Join groups. Get a counselor. Rally friends around. Start a support infrastructure, as it were, around yourself so that you have others to talk to, others to turn to.

Of course stay close with your partner and keep talking, that goes without saying, but also encourage him to create his own support network.

This way you can love each other while not utterly leaning on each other should things get tough. I believe that's very important for parents. When you place all the pressure to give support directly onto the parents' relationship, you are asking for trouble. It's too much pressure, it makes it all very scary and high stakes.

He may just be having a very natural sort of cold-feet wobble at the enormity of IVF. Or, he may actually not be fully on board with being a parent. It's one of those things that, sadly, is almost impossible to know (for you and for him). So, have compassion for yourself and for him, and make sure you both can turn outside the marriage for support.

Thank you all so much for your kind and considered responses , they are extremely helpful. I'll have another proper read tomorrow and respond properly. This has really really really massively helped me - especially people sharing their own IVF experiences.

Maybe it's just me thestamp but it seems slightly unfair that OP ought to act as if she's doing it alone, compared to her DH who ought to 'seek support from outside the marriage' which isn't quite the same. She's talked about spending hours reassuring him before. Comes across that he is the one with excessively high expectations of support.

I don't think that's what stamp is saying.

With pregnancy the woman does actually do it alone. The father can be supportive or not, they have a choice.

With raising a child too, unfairly, sexism means men more frequently walk away than women.

It is wise for anybody to understand that you need to be committed to a child and confident they could do it alone if necessary before trying to conceive but particularly for women to prepare for that as it is the reality of life for women much more often than it is for men.

Yeah I'm not saying the DH should look for support and the OP should pretend she's doing it minus any support.

I'm saying both partners need to get their own independent support networks up and running. Or they risk themselves and their relationship.

Mixed in with what Offred says above. Women are the ones who bear the brunt, it just is what it is. OP would be wise to gird her loins for what may be a harsh reality eventually. A great number of men check out of parenting completely. They just do. Some check back in later, which is great. But some don't.

So, my advice to all women, don't have a baby unless you're prepared for the worst case scenario of completely unsupported single motherhood.

Sonic yep that sounds like DH. It must be hard to live like that.

Autumn thank you for your message and pm, that was really sweet of you. We had a big heart to heart last night in the car - he drove me to my mum and dads and I stayed there last night to have some headspace. We sat in the car and chatted a while and I told him in no uncertain terms how much support I'm going to need over the next few months. I think he got it

Offred I'd never thought of it like that. I try to help him but to be honest it's almost impossible - he gets so wound up. Recently he's been complaining of being bored so I said why don't you decorate the spare room, take it on as a project? We went and looked at paint together. A week or so passed, nothing happened. I asked how it was coming on and he said there's no plan I can't do anything so I said well come up with a plan... but he can't make decisions on his own. I keep saying it's up to you! Argh

Buttery he has very recently started seeing a therapist. He hasn't had enough sessions for any changes yet really but it's a positive step

Ellisandra I nodded when I read the bit about TTC for years. It's absolute torture. I'm so scared of IVF not working but there's a part of me that thinks at least I'm getting out of ground hog day

Thanks colinfarrel

Hedda I see what you mean but I just can't deal with his anxieties about becoming a dad whilst going through IVF. I'm already swimming against a current in life, I don't need a head wind!

Stamp really sound advice. The infertility boards here are an amazing support and a few of us are planning a meet. Chatting to others going through this helps massively

I know already what an amazing dad DH will be. He's incredibly caring and loving and I think broody - without knowing it. He always insists on holding friends babies and his bond with the cat is ridiculous. He's so paternal with it. I know these things sound silly - but really he will be such a hands on and natural parent.

He needs to get counselling as for his own sake thats headwrecking. He doesnt need to carry that sort of anxiety with him through life. So l would encourage that. As a father he wont be able to spend so much time and energy on each decision. I say all that from the point of being very anxious about change / decisions myself. CBT really helped.
Really hope IVF works and all goes really well.

I do hope the IVF works for you and to some extent it is really good that you are talking.

The anxiety will more than likely get worse for him - especially when he realises that the IVF is all about what you are going through, he just has one part to play. It is your body and hormones that are being messed around with - with no guarantee that the IVF will work.

I understand the fear, we went through IVF twice (tried for years too) and both times it failed, the second time we didn't even get an embryo. It was heartbreaking and in all honesty, the second time was worse for me because I felt so alone, I didn't feel H supported me at all - this is mostly due to the fact that he was dealing with his own issues (it was all MFI) and guilt over not being able to provide.

I am not trying to put a downer on this, but it was one of the hardest things I have had to do and I didn't have an anxious husband at the start of the journey. That will be harder. Make use of any counselling sessions you are offered. Try to talk to one another - we never did and the second cycle was (in both of our minds) done to 'prove' it wouldn't work for us.

This is going to take a massive toll on both of you - for you it will be both physically and emotionally, he needs to be prepared to put his shit aside sometimes and just be there for you.

We are splitting up now but that has nothing to do with the IVF not working for us.

june he really does. I feel sorry for him that he lives with that kind of fear and indecision. I'm not able to take it away for him - but hopefully the counselling will help

autumn from speaking to friends, it seems some men do feel quite anxious about becoming fathers - the responsibility weighs down quite heavily, and they don't tend to get the overriding biological urge that we women feel. If we had conceived quickly and easily I would be much more understanding.

Thanks for your thoughts dracarys, sorry that it didn't work for you and sorry to hear you are parting ways. We will definitely be taking up the counselling