I've been married to DW for 5 years and we have a 3 year old child together. She has 2 children who have always lived with us, we've been together over 10 years. Since I had our DD I've been an SAHM but I have a source of income and I cover the same amount of outgoings as I always did, plus the extra costs for DD. DW contributes the same as she always did. After outgoings, I have approx 300 per month to spend but that includes things DD needs. DW has approx 700 a month after bills. I accepted the difference because I wanted to stay at home and would rather sacrifice the spends to have time with DD.
DW had a large inheritance and paid off a lot of things years ago, debts we'd both accrued through having periods of unemployment and studying. Then some of the inheritance was used as a deposit on our house. What was left was kept in an account in DW's name, I had no access. I found out two years ago that that money had been dwindled to nothing (it was approx £6-10k) and not on anything in particular. Just topping up day to day spends. We had a massive row about it and talked about splitting. DW maintained that it was her money and her business.
Last year I found out that she'd accrued new debts of £3k, despite having the monthly spends I mentioned above. Another huge row, I said I wanted to leave and she got a consolidation loan and asked me to give her a chance. She said I could have her card and dole her out a budget of spending and I said no, because why the fuck should I have to micromanage another adult's spending.
Earlier this year, I realised that she'd hit her overdraft quite early into the month, so we had yet another argument. I was adamant about leaving this time and she begged for a 3 month trial to prove that she was going to change. Big promises, give up drinking, give up smoking, be sensible and honest about money.
This hasn't happened. She gave up drinking for 5 days then went back to it. She drinks less than she did but I still estimate about £350-400 a month going on alcohol and cigarettes (just on staying in, not nights out together or with others) which is clearly significantly contributing to always going over limit.
I didn't trust her this time so I've been keeping an eye on her account. It has crept up and up since the last argument and was £3.5k overdrawn yet again. So I've told her I know, she said it's because her pay fluctuates and some months are better than others. It's a lie though, because in part, she gave £2k to one of her daughters who has ran up her own debt and they have hidden this from me because I will get angry about it, this is what she has now 'confessed'. I don't even have any way of proving if it's true. I knew she'd helped her out a bit but I asked them both separately and they both lied and told me a figure a lot lower.
She is saying that some of the lying and hiding is my fault because I get angry and shout. I do, but because of the extremely poor choices that she's making. Over the past 3 years we've had arguments about her drinking which has been really excessive. I do everything for DD and she drinks late into the night and lies in all morning. She says that it was my decision to have a child and that I told her I'd do all the work if she let me have one. Which I did say, but I didn't expect her to lie in bed hungover on nearly all of her days off (3-4 a week as she works a compressed week). I do the bulk of the housework, with the SC chipping in a bit, DW does the occasional bit and I do all shopping/cooking/communal laundry (SC do their own clothes now).
We don't live an extravagant lifestyle or anything. We should be able to afford the occasional cheap foreign holiday, nights out etc, but we can't because nothing gets saved. DW badly needs dental treatment and glasses but 'can't afford' them even on £700 spends a month because her priorities are elsewhere. She says I'm controlling to tell her not to spend money on the things she does, that it's her hard-earned money to spend how she wants but I want us to to enjoy things as a family.
Writing it all down it all sounds completely negative but it isn't because we were so close at one point. I'm struggling to leave because she keeps promising things will change. She's said again she'll do a budget and only drink once a week, and give me her card to stop her spending. Part of me really wants to give her a chance, and part of me just sees time dripping away, time that could be spent away from her, quality time with me and DD. I worry that I'll just regret wasting even more time with her. Sometimes I regret not just leaving the first time, when DD was a baby.
I don't really have anyone in RL to talk to about this. My parents live far away and I don't want to discuss it with them until I've made a decision, because if I tell them and then choose to stay, they'll just dislike her. I don't have a lot of friends as I'm not good at making them and the few I had drifted away after having DD. Two of them know a lot about our relationship problems but we speak so infrequently now that I can't just call them up and moan, it would just be cheeky.
Leaving would be so difficult. I know this sounds superficial, but even just packing up stuff and clearing and DIYing the house for sale. We hoard and have clutter and just the thought of doing that is depressing enough, never mind the emotional separation, having to move miles away back to my home town, selling our house.
The thing is, even if she does change, it doesn't change my mindset. I'm now always suspicious of her lying and hiding things, I snoop and sneak to find things out, something she said that I am wrong to do. I can't help it though, because I don't trust her. I do love her and I wish things would be better and I could stay and have a good life together.