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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Marriage failing...can I do anything?

13 replies

Seasunsadness · 23/08/2017 09:05

My marriage has been progressively failing apart for a couple of years. We have been together 10 years and have 2 small DC'S. My DH has PTSD which he won't get treatment for. Instead he's progressively internalised things and blamed me. We have bumbled along trying to continue with our life plans and bought a new house last year which needs a lot of work. I also changed jobs so I can be at home more to take pressure off the childcare bill and do more here. But this seems to have back fired. The house is a complete burden, money pit and were living in a building site! My DH is doing it himself to save money and time (I also think as a distraction from other issues) which leaves me doing solo childcare so I'm exhausted whilst also retraining. This has tipped our relationship into a bad place. We're resentful of one another. We argue and barely have a friendship let alone anything else.

I dont know what to do. Anyone offer some advice? Would selling the house be an option? I'm very un happy and contemplating leaving as I don't know what else to do. But I have nowhere to go, no money and no family nearby.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/08/2017 09:08

I hate to say it but saving a marriage requires the commitment of both partners. You can't do enough to make up for the fact that he won't do what he needs to.

It could well be that you need to have the make or break conversation where you tell him you love him but that how things are isn't good enough and that unless he gets help you'll need to call it a day.

Seasunsadness · 23/08/2017 09:18

Yes I definitely think a huge part of our issues stem from him not getting help to develop with what happened to him. I've tried so hard in a supportive way to get him to go. I've tried telling him that I marriage is failing but like everything he's denying it.

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 23/08/2017 09:25

I think doing up a house tests the most strongest of relationships, let alone a weak one. So yes, I would say, sell the house.

Have you told your dh that if he doesn't start treatment that you want out? Maybe you have only just realised that yourself. Is that how you feel? Maybe you want to leave anyway.

If you think things are salvageable, then I would sell the house and try again. If not, sell the house and set yourself up alone with the kids. Feel the strain seep away.

Joysmum · 23/08/2017 09:32

I can appreciation ate that from both sides of the fence, I had PTSD and anxiety and eventually got help when I couldn't cope, that came before my dh not being able to cope with me.

Then dh had issues after he lost both parents. He changed. He was damaging NF his relationship with our dd and I had to step in because as much as I love him, my dd needed me to. I talked to him. I told him I loved him so much and I hugged him, but I pointed out that he clearly wasn't happy and neither were we. I said he was running the risk of ruining his relationship with his dd irrevocably and that it was time he got help because he wasn't the person the was.

That was enough. He felt relief (as did I when he said I need help that he wasn't capable of giving), it's like he needed to be told it was ok to go?

I never needed to to tell him that if he didn't get help we needed to separate, but if he hadn't then accepted he needed help, I would have told him.

Hopefully you won't need and ultimatum either but I'd be prepared for the possibility just in case you do Flowers

Joysmum · 23/08/2017 09:33

Sorry about the typos, should have proof read before posting Blush

Hermonie2016 · 23/08/2017 09:44

Is your H diagnosed with PTSD? Would your H read any books or talk to a family member?

How is he around you, you mention blaming which can't be good to live with.
Selling the house could be a sensible option but it's not without its own stresses.
Would he consider selling the house a relief?

JWrecks · 23/08/2017 09:48

I assume you've spoken to him, but you may need to try again, very seriously.

Find, or create, a time and place with no distractions from DC or housework or TV or anything, then sit him down and really tell him how you feel, as honestly and calmly as you can. Try your best not to lay blame or accuse, try your best not to get angry or lose your temper, and do admit fault when it's there (without taking undue blame for things that are not your fault). Ask him questions, listen to his answers, and let him tell you how he feels as well. Make sure he understands that you are very serious and that this conversation could determine the future between you.

Tell him that, while you do not want to, you are thinking of ending it with him and will do so if some things don't change. Make sure he understands this is a very serious conversation he must participate in, that you expect total honesty from him, and you will not tolerate him turning things around on you to get out of it. Then tell him all that you've told us here, that he has not sought help for his PTSD and how you feel that is affecting the way that he treats you. Tell him that you feel alienated and alone, and feel that there is no friendship between you any longer... everything you've told us and everything else that you haven't said here.

Tell him that your happiness and the love between you has not been a priority for too long now, and that is unacceptable. Nothing is more important and everything else can and must be set to one side, if even for a few minutes each day, in order to focus on US. If he is unwilling or unable to do that, then here are the options: stay in an unhappy marriage and continue to deteriorate; leave and start all over, with all the logistical and emotional effects of a divorce; or re-prioritise, make some small changes, and work toward improvement.

Find out whether or not he understands how you have been feeling. Find out if he is equally unhappy or is somehow fine with how things are going. See if he is willing to make changes, and if so, which changes. Ask him flat out if he would honestly be ready for you to end it all and split for good.

We were having a rocky patch in our marriage recently, and that's what I did. It turned out that he really had no idea how serious my problems were, how angry I was or how alienated I felt, nor how close we were to the very end. When we really sat and talked about it, concentrated on each other, listened and exchanged thoughts, and both tried very hard to not be accusatory but to really open up, we were able to work out a great deal. Things changed surprisingly quickly after, and now we are happier than ever.

However, we were not dealing with everything that you are. I know that PTSD can be overwhelming and incredibly difficult to deal with, and I know that the causes are often so personal that they feel impossible to talk about or work through with somebody else. It can be so painful, so terrifying, and so all-consuming that me may honestly not be able to see through it to how it's affecting you. Of course, a simple conversation (or series of conversations) between just the two of you will likely not solve the root of his problems. If you can convince him to get help, however, things could change. Perhaps that's where you can start with a serious conversation - him seeking help for his PTSD.

Re selling: I don't know enough about the condition of your house, but if it's in the middle of renovation, it may actually be worth less than what you paid, which could cause financial problems for the future. If you don't think you can work anything out between you, you should see an agent about the house if you are worried about the condition it's in or the value. Get a professional opinion there, then see a solicitor for advice about working that into a settlement if things simply cannot improve between you.

Carolinesbeanies · 23/08/2017 09:51

No great words of wisdom from me OP, but agree with the premise that you both need to be committed to fixing it, if its to be fixed, and thats the first huge hurdle to address.

Maybe, splitting all these things down into more manageable pieces may help, rather than the overwhelming sense of inevitable failure.

Your DH is possibly already resigned to an 'inevitable' viewpoint (which is absolutely part of PTSD) , whatever the root cause, theres generally an area of lack of control over certain circumstances that caused the trauma. Living with a traumatic 'lack of control event', changes absolutely everything in your life.

Communicating is possibly the first victim, but if you can park the detail as it were, and start on the communicating bit, by saying; you want to fix it, that you want to ignore all the other stuff for now, that your top priority is wanting to fix it for all of you, that being honest youve no idea how to fix it, but that youre prepared to try whatever needs to be done to fix it, he may be encouraged you join you on your mammoth task.
The house, to a certain degree, will have to wait. Breakdown the house issues into smaller chunks as yes, huge renovations become utterly overwhelming too.

Sorry youre in this situation, but Id encourage you to dig in and keep moving forward, it wont be like this forever. Agree some family time, not just the daily shared duties stuff, (that Im sure are a major flash point issue anyway) but agree that, whether we're speaking or not, on saturday we're both going to take the DCs swimming or whatever. That time then becomes protected time. No criticisms of each other, anger left somewhere else. Just a couple of hours almost 'unburdened' as it were with the children. If you can manage that, youd be amazed at what you can build from there. Good luck.

Joysmum · 23/08/2017 09:55

Tell him that, while you do not want to, you are thinking of ending it with him and will do so if some things don't change. Make sure he understands this is a very serious conversation he must participate in

I'm glad that worked for you but I'm glad I didn't do that because it would have made our situation worse. My DH was struggling about being left, me pointing out that I was considering leaving and taking our DD would have made matters worse.

That's not to say of course that I'm right and you're wrong as we both represent differing view that both worked for us.

Just wanted to raise this for the OP to consider which might be the most effect way for her situation. Smile

JWrecks · 23/08/2017 10:29

I'm glad that worked for you but I'm glad I didn't do that because it would have made our situation worse.

Yes, that is a good point. Re-reading my post, I can see how it would come across as a list of what OP should do, but that's not how I intended it.

Every situation is different, and ever person is different. Only OP knows her DH well enough to know if that would work or would only make things worse. And of course if he's suffering PTSD, that complicates things even further.

Seasunsadness · 23/08/2017 18:44

Thank you all. I decided to spur of the moment take the kids to my mum's for a few days. She's 3 hours away. I messaged him and explained how unhappy I was feeling and I was going to get some support from my family and he can take this time to reflect. I also sent him a link to an article about the stages of marriage breakdown. He sent me a positive message back agreeing with the article and not wanting our marriage to fail. So that's a step in the right direction.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/08/2017 19:56

Good for you. I would hope that once you feel there's hope again, things may well improve just for that. 'Just' a case then of you both being honest with one another about what your needs are.

I wish you every success Flowers

Carolinesbeanies · 24/08/2017 01:01

That is a good step OP. Good luck, just go one day at a time (youd be amazed how many of us spent years going one day at a time Shock and contrary to alot of LTB posts on MN, theres a lot supporting those who take the hard route of sticking around. (Having said that, one person cant fix anything, so if the other isnt willing, its a very sad ending) But if you decide to try, and he does too, hundreds of thousands of women have walked this route before, and I for one can tell you its so worth it. The relationship you come out the other end with, is 1000 times better than the one you started with. It is a painful journey, but it can be done, and for me, thats when I truly found my soul mate, who then understood everything about me.

PTSD will always be something you learn to live with, learn to manage, (the keeping yourself totally distracted and busy to avoid) till one day you wake up and realise, that without you noticing, the ghoul had just disappeared. If hes a very lucky man, you and the children may still be around. Flowers

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