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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How is this even fair??!

2 replies

Polly46219 · 22/08/2017 18:54

Ok. So, STBEXH announced he was leaving me on 27 December last year. He'd been seeing a woman at work and now they're together. I started divorce proeeedings and now have the decree nisi - I couldn't site adultery because (a) he wouldn't admit to it and (b) I didn't physically see them having intercourse - bloody unfair but that's the stupid law. We have a 2.5 year old son and we're in the middle of trying to sort out the financials. I am still in the house and he is currently paying child maintenance and half the mortgage. I am paying the other half of the mortgage, all the bills plus childcare. I work three full days a week and I now claim tax credits. We've both completed our form E's and I have a shortfall in my income needs. What he currently pays (including CM) fills that gap but he does not want to continue paying the extra bit longer term i.e. spousal maintenance. (I'd like to point out here that 5 years ago we lived in London and I was earning three times as much as I do now and earning more than him). We increased our mortgage for home improvements about 6 months before he left (and I should add, at a time when he was already thinking of leaving) so our mortgage payments have increased by c£150 a month because of that. Basically, and while our son is small, I cannot support myself and son without him paying spousal. We've (myself and solicitor) have asked that he pays spousal until our son is 12 at which time (or if not before) I should be in position where I can support myself. He has refused this. We are now having to go down the mediation route, which I have to say seems pointless to me as he is being so bloody-minded but nevertheless I have agreed to go. I am constantly living on edge waiting for his money to go in the bank account - it's like being held to ransom on a monthly basis and he often threatens to stop paying - I am so stressed out. He has also just returned from a week's holiday with the OW where they stayed in a 5 star luxury boutique hotel in Greece and he is now refusing to pay for our son's dance class which was £22 (for the term) because he "can't afford to pay for everything". Then today my solicitor suggested that I see if our mortgage lender would agree to us going on an interest only basis in order to reduce the monthly payments. I called the lender and they said no because it's written into our original mortgage offer that we can't change from the repayment loan we have. I'm glad they said no - why should we have to bloody do that and rack up capital debt all because of him and his selfish behaviour? Why is it that my son and I are having to suffer when he's swanning around living the life of riley??! He has our son for one night a week and pleases himself for the rest of it. I am knackered, stressed out, frequently picking up viruses and feeling run down and now I'm pretty much skint. If anyone needs a holiday, it's me but then I wouldn't disappear for a week without my little boy. Where is the justice in all this? Has anyone else been in a similar situation and if so, what was the outcome? Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
Sistersofmercy101 · 22/08/2017 19:02

No advice here, (my divorce didn't include financials as my exH deliberately didn't work to avoid payments) except to say - stick to your guns, your looking out for your sons long-term future AND you made sacrifices as part of an agreement - that he's broken - so you are rightfully due financial recompense! Wishing you good luck 🍀

Ellisandra · 22/08/2017 19:50

He's an arsehole for the threats about withholding payments.

Honestly though, in his shoes, no way would I think it was reasonable to pay spousal support to my ex for almost 10 years until my child was 12 - when 5 years ago she earned 3x as much as currently, and more than me. (so it sounds like earning potential is there)
I would see that as far too long.

Rather than spousal maintenance, I'd be looking for an agreement that he pays half of childcare fees in addition to maintenance, and go back to work full time.

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