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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex-ILS again

20 replies

MycatsaPirate · 22/08/2017 12:47

I posted about this before, basically ex in laws wanted to come down and see DD2 but wanted me to book their accommodation, get dp to take a day off work to collect them from the airport and then do the same when they went back and would need to be ferried about everywhere.

In the end they just didn't come. Relief all round for me.

A few weeks ago I started getting the calls again saying they wanted to come down. I told them the dates we were going on holiday. I got a call three days before we were going away to say they were coming down the following weds. I told them we wouldn't be here. Got 'FFS!' in response. I suggested they travel down the following Sunday (although we wouldn't be about as DD was on an event all day) but would be free Monday/Tuesday. They had decided to drive down and go and see friends on the way home.

Then I get a call mid holiday saying they had booked flights for the Sunday and could I pick them up from the airport. I said no, I was out with DD at an event all day and dp would also be there as he was working at it. They also wanted me to book them somewhere to stay. I said no again, I was on holiday, I was not going to be forking out for their accommodation either.

They turned up on Sunday and asked to have DD yesterday. DD is 11 and has autism. Her dad (their son) is an abusive arse who has not only got several convictions for DV (against me) but convictions for assaulting others and making threatening phone calls (to me). I have had to take out a non mol in the past which named both my DDs as he was being verbally abusive to them and telling DD2 that I was a fat lazy cow, that she wasn't allowed in mine or DP's car in case I crashed, that she wasn't allowed to go abroad with me, that he was going to kill me and dp. He neglected them on contact visits and would lie in bed all day sleeping after smoking weed. I stopped contact and got the non mol.

He also told CMS that DD2 was not his and demanded a DNA test. Although he is now paying and never bothered with the DNA test it was just another way of trying to get at me. He is basically a manipulative arsehole who spends any time he has ever had with DD2 questioning her about her home life with me and dp.

So ex IL's took her out yesterday and she came home and said that she spoke to her dad on the phone. He was questioning her about home, school and other stuff (which she wouldn't talk about), she was very evasive and quite gobby to me (which is not like her at all).

I was absolutely fuming and sent IL's a text saying that again they have broken my trust, that it's me that has to pick up the pieces when his words and actions impact on DD2, that he has no rights (he has no PR) and that it was my decision to make about whether DD2 speaks to him or not. I wouldn't stop the call happening but would rather it was done here at home, with him on speaker so I could monitor his behaviour.

Ex FIL was quite off with me and said it wasn't his fault and that he had just 'happened to phone'. I have no doubt this is bullshit and I am glad they are fucking off home tomorrow. DD2 has gone out with them again today but I've told ex IL's no more calls and that DD2 should not be asked to lie to me or hide things from me.

I wish they would all just fuck off and leave us alone.

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 22/08/2017 12:47

Sorry, that's a bit long. I am venting a bit.

OP posts:
BiggerBoatNeeded · 22/08/2017 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pocketsaviour · 22/08/2017 13:00

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

Do you feel your DDs get any tangible benefit from seeing these GPs?

SandyY2K · 22/08/2017 13:04

Why not just stop contact with them altogether. They sound like damn hard work and have no boundaries.

DancesWithOtters · 22/08/2017 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MycatsaPirate · 22/08/2017 13:08

DD1 is at Uni but really CBA seeing them. She knows they side with their son every time (Ex is her stepdad) and she has no time for it all.

DD2 is emotionally and socially about 2 years behind her age due to the autism so she is still keen to see them when they come here. However they just throw money at her and buy her stuff (she came home yesterday with a bag full of new toys and more money) and says her dad wants her bank account details to pay in pocket money to her. I've told ex fil that the money can be transferred to me and I'll move it across (she has a savings account linked to my accounts). I doubt that will happen, he will not 'give me money' in any way shape or form as he thinks I'll spend it on myself.

I really do wish the visits and calls would stop. His dad phones me just to tell me about his problems and I am not interested. Ex never phones, never sends the kids anything for birthday or xmas, never shows any interest in them at all. His dad doesn't even listen to me, he asks me stuff, I answer but never seems to listen, it's all about him. His mum has early dementia and is deaf so conversation is a bloody nightmare.

His dad repeatedly broke the non mol order by trying to pass messages onto me and the kids and I lost it in the end and screamed down the phone at him after telling him firmly that he shouldn't be doing it. In the end the police had to be called to pay him a visit and tell him to stop it. It's just so stressful.

I think that they have been bullied by their son for years (he still lives at home) and just do what he says. I have no doubt this visit was orchestrated by him so that he had the chance to speak to DD2 on the phone and get his parents to take photos etc.

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 22/08/2017 13:10

I wish I could stop contact. I blocked his dad's number but he got a new one!

And yes, the requests for me to basically sort out the entire trip was met with disbelief and a response of 'No! You can sort it yourself!'.

I have enough to deal with without endless fucking airport runs.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 22/08/2017 13:11

I'd stop all contact with them. It's clearly not benefitting your dc in any way

Hissy · 22/08/2017 14:02

Block him again, and let voicemail pick up all unrecognised numbers.

These people are putting the wellbeing of your dc at risk.

You owe them nothing.

Fishface77 · 22/08/2017 14:16

Their your ex il?!
Stop them seeing her!

SandyY2K · 22/08/2017 14:21

Just reblock your FIL and do not answer calls from unknown numbers.

You don't have to deal with it.

I have bank accounts for my DDs in their names, but I control them. You could look into that. It's called a smart to save Nationwide account.

They may recommend a different type of a, but explain that DD is autistic and you'd like to maintain control of it. Then her dad can use that account.

MycatsaPirate · 23/08/2017 15:21

They were meant to be leaving today. They are still bloody here and now staying until tomorrow. They called DD1 (who has driven back from uni for hospital tests) and said they will 'come round to see us tomorrow'.

My one lie in all fucking week. Jesus wept. I have the patience of a fucking saint.

I will block once they are away home. I can't cope with it all. Dp says I need to be more patient, that they are the DD's grandparents etc but really I just can't cope with it at all.

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 23/08/2017 15:26

DP is wrong. They have no rights as grandparents. It would be nice to continue the relationship but not if they can't follow rules. Have nothing more to do with them. Your DD will not lose out.

Bekabeech · 23/08/2017 15:31

Just tell them they are not welcome. They are not beneficial for your children. All contact with children is supposed to be for the child's benefit, not an adults and not what the child wants.
For your older DD she is old enough to arrange contact if she wants, nothing to do with you. For the younger one they have broken your trust so should not be seeing her again, for a long while and then only supervised visits.

MycatsaPirate · 23/08/2017 16:45

I was starting to feel like I was acting like a complete bitch but it's good to see that others can understand my annoyance with their behaviour and why I just want to ease them out of our lives.

DD1 has gone to see them and I've asked her to make some vague excuse about why I won't be here tomorrow for them to come round before they leave. She said she will tell them I have the plague or something. She was rolling her eyes while on the phone to ex fil earlier, she is as fed up as me but has a sense of duty to see them. I've told her she didn't have to go but she said she will 'get it out of the way' and has a plan to say she is going out later to escape early. She's a good girl but she needs to learn to say no as well.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 24/08/2017 23:54

Seriously op stop facilitating these toxic people.
They bring nothing to your life.
Don't entertain them in any way. No lifts, no meals, no welcome wagon!

OnTheRise · 25/08/2017 07:37

They're helping your ex bother your children. They're hugely inconsiderate, selfish and disruptive. Why do you still see them?

I'd tell them you are horrified they put your daughter on the phone to their abusive son, and that you've realised they can't be trusted so you don't want to see them or hear from them again. Then block their numbers and refuse to engage with them in future.

KarmaNoMore · 25/08/2017 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MycatsaPirate · 25/08/2017 11:10

Thank you for all clarifying my thoughts on this. I am relieved that they have gone home and will hopefully not ring me again but I will just not answer. I blocked ex fil before but he just gets a new number so letting it ring out is a better option.

They just drive me insane. Their inability to see what a complete fuckwit their son is and how abusive he is, is really at the heart of it all.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 25/08/2017 23:45

But op can't you just tell them they aren't to contact you and that you or dp won't be doing any running around for them?

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