Why do guys deny their infidelity?!??

[itislatekidsupin3hrs]

When confronting H, he vehemently denied having an affair despite being caught out in his lies about where he's been going. He said it's not what I think and he's not going to talk about it. With a parting shot of 'I am not having an affair'.
Is it because he doesn't want adultery to be cited when we divorce? I don't really care about his shitty affair but it's so bizarre he won't just admit and we move on. Yeah I know it won't change anything but it riles me up so much that he's still lying. To my face. And being outraged by me chucking him out!!!

Sorry, I am dominating your thread but I can't have therapy because of the possibility it will go to court!

My H always acted like the mild reasonable one in public. He talked to me like dirt in private. But the problem was, I used to return the tone to him. My family used to think I gave him a really hard time until they saw past his mask. Once I tried to put the child lock on the car door but for some reason it made a strange clunking noise. He really lost his temper because he thought I broke the door. He shouted at me and his face changed into angry furrows. It was gob smacking. I noticed he talks to his mum like he does to me. With your ex offred, at least he behaved dreadfully in public. With my one he seemed v reasonable and made me sound like the crazy oneMy H's biggest EA tendency was invalidation. The description fits him like a glove.

Offred-what was he like to his mum? And did he have many friends? Mine had friends but they only wanted to meet up very very occasionally.

Ah I have one of these too, 20 months on, o have evidence, his whole workplace knew and strangers have told me about it and yet he still denies it and woe be told everything is my fault and I am such a fucking horrible person because 'I made him leave'
Yes I made you leave, because I suspected you were having an affair you stupid twunt

It's time that has made me see and acknowledge how he embarrassed me and was aggressive in public TBH. Experiencing it at the time just felt really confusing and like I was doing something wrong by being panicky around him and other people.

I lost a good friend because he thought he had a crush on me so I stopped hanging out with him completely, another good friend flat out told me she didn't like him so we never hung out with her. His friends I only ever met two of them.

His best friend apparently told him a number of times he was worried about me, I'd talked to him a bit about why I was upset once because he left me sitting next to him to chase after OW after telling me he was going to buy me a drink. I was particularly upset because he always expected me to pay for everything (he earned £26k and lived with his parents I was a LP with 4 kids and a student) and I thought he was feeling nice about me to offer but no, he didn't go to the bar, he went outside with OW.

I always thought he was right, I was over sensitive, over emotional, overreacting as everyone seemed to fawn over him, they seemed not to get upset by the way he spoke to them, he would tell me things his friends had supposedly said like 'all my friends think you are crazy to....'

My family are not a good yard stick because they are dysfunctional at the very least. His family have a 'oh he's always been like that' approach.

Whilst he is completely dependent on both his parents for money, housing, general support he treated his mum disrespectfully in some of the same ways he did me - she would make his tea every day and he would never tell her whether he was going to be home to eat it, he'd be late, let them down, take things of theirs, be irresponsible with their cars etc

She is a really wonderful woman, but his dad is very anxious-avoidant (grew up in Belfast during the troubles) she once said to me 'x is the kind of socialist who really doesn't understand personal property at all, he just helps himself to other people's stuff'

She says he has always been intensely difficult (he's the youngest of four) and she couldn't cope with him when he was a child, when he was a teen he got into trouble.

It was his best friend that got me out. He was an amazing person. X didn't like us seeing him together because he was paranoid I wanted to be with him instead, I never did, I just thought he was a really special person. He killed himself last summer, x was the last person he spoke to and gradually it just became apparent that I would end up the same way if I stayed with him.

He only relates to people in a transactional manner. He has poor boundaries. He basically stalked OW, she wasn't interested in him which is the only reason (I believe) they didn't sleep together but he spent two years stalking her while he was with me because he was 'in love' with her (and lying to me about it).

One 'friend' left his work because x was bullying him. X's take was he was 'too weak' and couldn't hack doing the job but he moved on to a better version of the same job and is doing better than x now.

He had friends in London who he only bothered with when he had training courses there and needed to crash.

His two best friends, the one who killed himself he used to only see when he would help out with x's voluntary work or want to crash in his city. The other one he sees all the time but I found out in December it is because he has weed off him (yes he also lied about being on drugs).

Op, Lundys book talks about how an abuse victim often feels like the abuser.It might help for you to have counselling as unravelling abuse is complex.Over years you may have acted in ways you don't feel proud of but usually abusers don't question their behaviours.They avoid all insight and introspection.

Ultimately it's about how you treat people and if you use power/control or manipulation to get your needs met.

My stbxh was very similar and outwardly very charming and someone referred to him as "meek", hard to believe he would get angry but towards me he was very different.He holds down a very senior role and literally has 2 sides to him.He could switch from angry to neutral if dc or someone else walked into the room.

He had an abusive mother, has contempt for her and I suspect hates women.His friendships are all superficial which in reflection was a big warning sign.

I spent months trying to figure out ex but it's not possible.He saw a counsellor but without insight or introspection its pointless.Ex has lied blatantly on court documents and I never thought he would do this, he used to make a big show of being very honest! He seems to have no remorse (which I now see was a pattern) and lacks a concious.

In the end I have had to accept he's a disordered individual and doesnt think or feel the same way most people do.Highly disordered individuals are estimated as 1:25 people, more common than anorexia.

Make sure you get family support, mine initially were supportive of him, bssed on their good moral values but over the last few months the extent of his lies and vindictive behaviour has show what he is really like.
He will reveal himself eventually to those around you so don't worry..the truth will come out.

Protect yourself with a good solicitor (someone you wouldn't want to argue with) and realise you may have a battle as he will not be fair.

Yes, definitely read and reread 'why does he do that?' It's the best resource on the dynamics of abusive relationships I've ever seen.

They deny so they don't look bad and because having an affair is shameful. Hardly something to be proud of, and they'd rather keep up the nice image people have of them.

I bought it for x actually because in one of his roles he was sitting on the local authority's working group on DV and I thought he really needs to understand abuse.

This week I have been thinking a lot about that book being the key to my whole relationship with him and how it was sitting on the top of his toilet for over a year.

He eventually moved out of his parents' and into a flat but didn't manage basic things (he never put the bins out the whole time he lived there, never cooked a meal, didn't manage his bills, had to have his dad managing his bank account to ensure his rent was paid, kept crashing his car etc and was taking hundreds off me every month. A couple of months after he was arrested I saw his flat was up for rent again. I'm assuming he has moved back to his parents' house virtually straight after because the agent would have had to deep clean the flat and garden and through out a year's worth of rubbish.

He went to uni an hour from his parents and lived there and managed a year in this flat with a huge amount of responsibility taken by me and his parents but at 32 has never supported himself really despite earning well above the average for the area and being a single man.

He really got his hooks into me by 'needing help' but I think actually he just doesn't want to be a grown up.