Do I tell my exh gf

[Goingmad12]

My ex husband and I have been separated over a year and a half. He has a new gf he has been with for almost a year. She has met our dd.
We have remained friends for our dd sake but every now and again he tries it on with me. I have always refused and sometimes it's been so bad it's left me in tears, he's just kept pushing. But we always get back to being friends. 2 months ago I give in we had sex and I felt awful after words I knew I would never do it again. Then last week his gf was on holiday and he wanted to call up to keep me company as he knew our dd was at a friend's and I was on my own. I didn't let him. But it has messed with my head so bad. It always does but this time it's been worse, it's got to the point we're I think the only thing I can do is tell his gf what he's been at in the hope that he doesn't try it again. I need to move on and be happy. Everytime I tell him this has to stop he says he won't do it again but he always does. I just don't know what to do, I know if I tell her I will come across as the jealous ex.

Don't let him into your home, drop offs and pickups should happen on the doorstep (have a friend with you if you need).

Don't sleep with him again, this has encouraged him to carry on trying it on.

Don't communicate with him about anything else but the children.

I wouldn't bother telling her (and it all kicking off) she'll find out what he's like soon enough.

We have tried that before about drop offs. It's the not the way we wanted to be but guess that's just the way it has to be.
I know she will find out what he's like eventually. But right now I'm ready to blow and I know I have only have myself to blame for encouraging him.
It's just hard.

Don't bother telling her you should be able to handle it.

Does he want to get back with you?

If not tell him that another attempt will result in you telling her. If you don't have evidence though, you might as well keep quiet or she won't believe you.

If he's only ever said it in person or on the phone, you have no proof.

He'll make you out to be jealous and trying to ruin his relationship.

I wouldn't. Obviously if you do he will be really angry with you even though it was his own fault. If it ends their relationship he'll be angry and annoying you,being an angry victim blah blah, or, if they stay together she'll HAVE TO BELIEVE that you're obsessed with him and that you still want him. She'll have to believe that in order to not be a stupid doormat.

The last time he was here, he went on about how he wishes things were different, how he wished I'd of give him another chance, he brought up the baby we lost everything he could think of to try and get me to get close to him. I didn't give in and felt good for not giving in but now it's built up to anger like how can he mess with my head like that and not care he knows how I get. I know I'm coming across as some mental case right now. But I know you guys are right. I need to cut contact with him and I'm not going to say anything to her.
I do have proof though. I have messages from him after he went to far one day apologising for what he had done.

Also one thing he is good at is twisting the truth and lying so I know he'd make me out to be the liar.

No point, he will turn it round anyway, and you'll just end up more upset. Don't have sex with him again, though, that way madness lies.

Do you have a friend who can be there when he arrives, so he can't try it on.
Other than this, can you meet him with your child at somewhere outside of the house, I used to drop mine off and watch them walk to him while not having to actually get out of the car.
I know it's hard but this is a form of still controlling you, y keeping you emotionally involved with him he is making sure no one else gets a chance with you. Sort of like holding you as a spare in case his new life doesn't work out.
Treat yourself well, you deserve it.

Thank you everyone for helping me see sense. I know what I have to do. I always say it but never do it but I need to cut him out of my life, he's nothing to me but my daughters dad. Just need to be strong and stand up for myself more.

Don't tell her, you were complicit in having sex with him knowing about her so I'm afraid you went along with it, he never forced you, you do have your own will!

He just wants his cake, he wants you on the side now as the OW but the gf as a permanent fixture; pick up your self esteem and stop letting him use you, also think about how SHE must feel knowing what you yourself is doing, it's not all his fault.

He's her problem now.

Try to focus on your own future and leave him and all his crap behind you.

Treat him with indifference, like you couldn't actually care less.

You cannot stay friends with a man who treats you like this.

Stop trying to be friends and just be civil and business like.

Thanks again everyone from keeping me from making a fool of myself. I did however text him in a moment of madness telling him I was going to tell her. He replied begging me not to.
I'm done with it though, I'm going to try my absolute hardest not to get sucked in by him again I can't let him have this hold over me. And I've deleted any messages so I don't have anything on him. I feel like I'm starting all over again. Wish me luck 😕

Good luck.

And keep posting here if it helps . You are not the first and you won't be the last to be in this situation and there's support here for you.

If you tell her no doubt she'll dump him & that'll perhaps mean he'll start bugging you even more.

Sometimes I feel like mumsnet exists in two parallel universes or something. The number of threads giving women advice on gathering evidence about their cheating partners, LTB, etc. etc... and yet the advice here is "she'll find out soon enough"?!

Are we forgetting that the girlfriend is also a woman, who is entirely innocent in this, and is being cheated on by a scumbag? Do we not care because that isn't the woman posting here? I really, really don't get it.

Of course you should bloody tell her! Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want to be the idiot who doesn't have a clue what's going on behind your back? I highly doubt it.

So what if he denies it? Men deny cheating all the time- should we just not bother confronting them? 'Oh, he'll deny it, so I might as well just ignore it"- WTF? OP has clear evidence.

The poor girlfriend deserves a shred of decency here. She's currently being screwed over by both of you- do the right thing and let her know how he feels about her relationship.

I'll be honest- I have a close friend who was cheated on countless times by her ex. She then continued to sleep with them after they broke up and he had a new girlfriend. She kept doing it because it made her feel good- she felt like at last she was the one in the position of power and she felt flattered that he wanted to sleep with her. It fucked her up massively for a long time and it wasn't healthy.

Please, please tell her. I don't believe there is a single person here who wouldn't want to know if their partner was cheating on them.

I would distance yourself from him. He is only your dds dad nothing else. Pick up and drop offs on the doorstep or somewhere else.

I dont know if i would have deleted the messages though incase this does come out.

Insanity is doing the same thing again and again then expecting a different out come.

I always try to remember this.

So after all the advice I decided to stay quiet. I know I should tell her coz if I was seeing someone and he was still hanging round his ex like that I'd want to know. But I took the cowardly way out and kept quiet.
On Friday he was took in to hospital with some problems I'll not get into but serious enough, he had an op and is still in hospital and could be there the rest of the week. I felt sorry for my dd as she hadn't seen him in 2 weeks, 1st week we were on holiday, 2nd his choice not to see her. I feel like such a selfish bitch though that I couldn't care less how he is just that my dd is missing him and now he has an excuse to not see her. Anyway I knew she was dying to see him so I have agreed to take her to visit him tomorrow hoping no one else would be there. He's informed me his gf will be there 2 and all I can think is fs she's been with him every day from this had happened can she not give our dd an hour on her own with her dad. When really I know that it's her place to be there not mine, who the fk am I to say she shouldn't be there. Now my anxiety is through the roof over the thoughts of being there. I need to sort myself out.

So he's looking for excuses not to see his DD? That's pretty crap. THIS MAN IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!!

If the girlfriend does not leave your DD and you alone with him it might be because her spidery senses are tingling that something's up.

He's not fussed at all about our dd. He would and has cancelled his time with her in a heartbeat to spend time with his gf and there friends. It sickens me how long he can go without having contact with her. She has her own phone now and will text him regularly but the amount of times he has read a message and not text her back is unreal and it upsets her. But he still makes out she is his no 1 priority and would do anything for her.
He has always worked night shifts when we were together 4 nights a week so when he was off all he wanted to do was watch football in peace or sleep with the occasional day out.

God, that's awful, how old is she?

Does he know that the way he behaves upsets her?

My first instinct when he text me to say he was to sick to have her was this is just another one of his excuses.

Sweetluck thanks for making me laugh. You could be right about that.
I know he's not my friend and was just getting my head round what I need to do when this happens. I don't know what I should feel. I'm I a bad person for not feeling worried or anything like that?

He knows I tell him every time. Shes 10. She made him a video and sent it to him and wrote I made this for you, he's seen it and he never even text her back. She'd been checking her phone all day God love her