Struggle with my Father: Husband likes him

[tothesausagesandback]

I grew up in a verbally abusive household, Dad would swear at us, hurl threats, make false promises, drank heavily and shouted all the time. We walked on eggshells.

I've had therapy over the years and its clear to see how detrimental my Dad's behaviour has been to my self esteem, confidence, friendships. I've no doubt it still plays a part even now. However, I was able to come to learn that my Dad was probably very obviously on the autistic spectrum once I trained in special needs and struggled with any noise/anything out of his comfort zone. This isn't to excuse how he behaved but it has helped me understand it, so for this reason I've been able to have a 'distanced' relationship with him.
DH (nothing like my Dad!) seems to love my Dad, which I find confusing. His parents are so helpful, kind and generous, whilst my own father is completely out for himself, abrupt and completely unreliable. I find it embarrassing.
What I don't understand is that when, on occasions, Dad's behaviour does get me down, DH always excuses him, tells me to excuse him, says I should make light of it and 'find it funny.'
But I don't.
My Dad adores my children, but I'm bow seeing my Dad interact with them the way he did with me, ignoring them when they plead for his attention, becoming abrupt if he's not in the mood for their questions and acting v stress around them. I'm on pins when he visits. He has no desire to communicate with me during his visits; him and DH will sit chatting about football however with the children climbing all over him for attention the whole time. I sit anxiously watching, hoping his ignorance, abruptness doesn't knock their self esteem the way it knocked mine growing up.
I've explained my concerns to DH, I do not want my children feeling as I did as a child, but he wants me to see the funny side of my Dad's behaviour.
I don't think DH fully appreciates how shitty it was growing up my a father like mine, so I do not "find it funny" at all, although I understand my Dad's behaviour is likely due to autism.
What can I do? I want to protect my children and my adult self from his disappointments as they grow, but DH just thinks I'm being mean when I talk about distancing.

Just to add that my Dad has never been mentally abusive towards the children... just a general lack of interest/ignorance when they're trying to speak to or play with him. His strained tone of voice comes across at times too when he's struggling with the noise.

I think you're overthinking this. Your DH isn't as emotionally invested in the relationship with your father as you are and therefore, can adopt a more balanced perspective.
We are all flawed OP. No one is perfect. And you can't protect your children from every negative interaction. Focus instead on building resilience in your children. Teach them their rights, foster their expectations to be treated well in life, to define their own personal boundaries and allow them to navigate the complex relationships that life throws up for themselves.
That way, you are giving them the confidence and the all important life skills you never had at that age.
Kids just need to know that you love them, you trust them, you have faith in them.
And you obviously do.

My dm had a very strict df. Made them work really hard and drank at times. Tough. When we came along we followed him everywhere. He gave us lots of jobs to do ( on a farm) and was really strict. We loved him. Looking back he was cross at times but it went completely over our heads. Thinking of my childhood now l have fond memories of my gf as it was in short bursts and he was familiar to us and just part of the furniture. Absolutely no scarring.

I think you should let this wash by you and let the children enjoy the best of your Dad, whilst being there to make sure that nothing happens that is seriously out of order.

I had a mother who was on the surface fine - certainly neighbours etc. would have thought so - and there were aspects of her that were fine. But she suffered from severe PMT and her behaviour at those times was deeply unacceptable; and she also had a difficult relationship with my Dad which made our lives very hard.

But....she was a good Grandma and came into her own with that - it brought out the best in her. She used to drive me up the wall and I had to bite my tongue a lot, but my children have fond memories of her. There was one time when I felt she overstepped the mark with them, using them to manipulate my Dad into doing what she wanted, and that had to be sorted. Not easy, but my children came first.

Your DH does not share your history with this man and is able to judge as he finds him at this moment; as indeed your children do. I know it is hard but I think you should loosen up over this and follow your DH's lead on it.

What does your mother think?. What is he like to people in the outside world, did he work?. Growing up as you did would certainly leave its own lot of damage and now your dad is behaving in not too dissimilar ways as to how you were treated as a child.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, your father is no different. If you really do not want them to feel similar as to how you were as a child then you all need to stay well away from your dad.
You are the parent here and your children rely on your good judgement; sadly not all grandparents are nice and loving.

Re this comment:-
"I grew up in a verbally abusive household, Dad would swear at us, hurl threats, make false promises, drank heavily and shouted all the time".

You grew up with a verbally abusive man and one who also drank heavily (does he still drink heavily). This was about his wanting power and control over you all; he dominated this household. You cannot excuse this from him just because you think he may be on the ASD spectrum (I think you want an explanation as to why he behaved like this at all so have pinned your feelings on this).

It is not your fault your father is like this, you did not make him this way. Your father may equally not be anywhere on the ASD spectrum at all. I realise you have trained in special needs but that does not make you yourself qualified to say that about him. And ASD does not equal abuse or give anyone the right to abuse other people. These behaviours are part of his overall personality; ASD is not a personality disorder; it is a developmental disorder.

What if anything do you know about your father's childhood and background; that would provide more clues.

And no your dad does not adore your children either. Why spend any time with a person like this at all, family are not binding. If you can dal further with your own fear, obligation and guilt re your dad this will help you no end.

Your DH has likely come from a more emotionally healthy family but he is undermining you by suggesting that you see the "funny side" of your dad's behaviours. He is in his own denial re your dad and does not think that a parent could behave like this because his did not. I think he needs a reality check from you and you need to tell him straight out what growing up with your father was actually like.