DS has forgiven his dad - now I'm the "bad guy"?!

[ChangChang]

Feel like XP has totally done a number on DS1.
I left with the children back in May following years of EA, CC and DV amounting to pushes / shoves / raised fists.
Final straw was XP behaviour to DS1, who was so unhappy he reported his dad to school, who became involved in a safeguarding capacity.
Because XP coaches DS with his sport of choice, he was quickly able to win DS1 over, to the point where DS1 says he prefers staying with his dad than being at our relatives' house "because it's his home". DS has made reference to circumstances between XP and I which make it very obvious that his dad has given him a (very one-sided view) of the situation, which I don't think is appropriate or reasonable. I don't want to put the DCs in the middle of everything, but DS clearly thinks, along with XP, that I am being unreasonable and should "stop being selfish and go home".
I'm crushed that DS seems to have been turned against me - he knows what his dad is like by being on the receiving end of a fraction of what I've put up with over the years. I'm so scared of losing him, and am wondering if being there is the only way I will be able to continue a positive relationship with DS1.
Apologies, longer post than I meant it to be!

How old is DS1?

DS1 is 11. Also have DS2 (9) and DD (5)

Get him into counselling. Someone who will talk to him about the situation.

I would imagine he is under a lot of pressure from your ex and at 11 it would be easier to repeat what the nasty parent says for peace.

Counselling may give him a neutral person to help him process what's happening

Firstly, your DS has not turned against you and secondly, congratulations for getting out of an abusive relationship.

Your DS didn't choose to grow up in a house with an abusive parent and just as difficult as it was for you to leave it's just as, if not more difficult, for a child to resist such abusive pressure. He isn't choosing his Dad over you, he's choosing the path of least resistance and he hopes that that is you. He's eleven, whose spent his entire life being manipulated and abused by his father, he did really well in reporting his father's behaviour to school but that doesn't mean that that action meant that he was and is capable of abandoning his relationship with his father.

I know it's hard but going back, would do more harm to more people. Get your son some counselling and make it clear that you love him and always will where ever he chooses to live but his father's behaviour is unacceptable and you will not be going back to an unhealthy relationship. Going back would be a short term solution to a long term problem.

Well done for getting out. Your son is placating your ex because that is where the threat comes from. That is where the danger lies. If you're a little kid you have no power or control over your parents / carers and are generally physically weaker so you have to adopt accommodating behaviours to ensure your survival. You are the protective " safe" parent and he doesn't need to adopt them with you. It must also feel odd to be living elsewhere rather than in the family home. How much time does he have with his dad where he's being coached ? Is there a social worker still working with the family? If so you need to flag up that the ex is putting your DS under undue pressure. If he can't stop then perhaps the contact needs to be supervised ?

Does your XP coach other children too, or just DS1? It would be a bit shocking for someone who was the subject of a safeguarding charge to have access to other children! If it's purely a private thing with his father, could you suggest another coach to DS? Say, for example, that this would allow him to pace himself against other children (but really would allow the un-doing of the isolation and alienation which his father is subjecting him to)?

Thanks all for your replies. @aussiebean - yes, i think counselling is a great idea, if only to help him (and probably DS2 and even DD) process everything. @Isetan thank you for your words - they make real sense and help to put things into perspective! @spiritedlondon your comments make absolute sense - I'd not thought about it like that at all, but I can see that that would fit with DS1's behaviour. @riotandalarum - no, XP doesn't coach anyone else (although he is more than happy to tell other children or their parents where they are going wrong!) They practice every night for several hours - the intrusion into everyone's lives because of it is part of the reason I made the decision to leave! DS1 has had paid lessons as well, but XP is very obsessive about it all and stays to listen and 'chip in' to his training sessions. It's all DS1 does or talks about - having XP is control of him taking part puts XP in a very advantageous position, as DS1 must feel that his one passion is under threat...

Ugh, that sounds horribly controlling.

I liked what Isetan said about making it clear that you woulf not go back to that situation. What about extending that to his brother and sister: saying that you willnot bring them back to thst, either. Protecting them from their father's (un)favouritism is also important!

@riotandalarum - yes, he is controlling, and absolutely does show favoritism towards eldest DS. Not DS' fault, but awful for the other two. XP complains that I stop him from seeing them because I left - but he makes almost zero effort to see or spend time with them.

I suggest counselling for all the children. And XP's involvement in DS's activity stops immediately. There should be a proper contact arrangement. Have you had any support or advice from organisations like Women's Aid or Rights of Women?

No, I've not sought proper advice, I must do this @anotheremma - I think I have been putting it off as I've been swinging backwards and forwards between going back or not.
I miss my boy, and just want the children to be okay :(

Yes, you must get proper advice. And just because you've been torn shouldn't prevent you from contacting them - they will support you and won't pressure you either way.

Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247 (open 24/7)

Rights of Women family law helpline (follow link for number and opening times)

read divorce poison

This sounds really hard. I think the others are right in that your DS1 certainly needs to have some help to process it all - especially if he's witnessed any of the abuse or been subjected to it himself.

You sound like you know going back isn't an option, so start sorting out what you're going to do. Are you staying with relatives indefinitely, are you finding somewhere else to live or getting the divorce process underway and selling the house etc. You are the adult doing what's best for your children here and the might not like it, but that is how it is.

Formalise contact arrangements for all 3 children and I agree wholeheartedly with removing dad from the training. It also sounds like there's too much of whatever training is involved and as school gets tougher, it may be sensible to cut back a bit anyway?

I think my DD blames me for our divorce, but I just have to take the long view that I made the right decision. (Luckily he wasn't abusive, just uninterested and financially irresponsible - now someone else's concern)

Thank you @thisfamily - I've not heard of that one. Is it relevant if not divorcing, as XP and I were not married?
@theworldismycakepop your advice is great, thank you. I agree the training is too much, family, friends and even others at the Sports club have commented, but XP has convinced DS1 that this is what he needs to do if he is going to 'make it' - I'm assuming he means professionally...

My children's dad abused me and denies it to his children. With lack of evidence he has the children half of the time. My children believe that he is innocent. And they want to spend more time there as this is the house where they grew up.
I know he is constantly bad-mouthing me, making me the abuser! my only strength is to establish a loving relationship with my children with support. I hope they can recognise when they grow up that they were manipulated. We also talk about manipulation and abuse to help them open their eyes. I have lots to say about their dad and I don't because children take it as an attack against themselves when a parent is attacked and develop a negative self image. I have to come to terms that after years of brain washing they might never believe me.

Oh, @thisfamily I'm so sorry to hear that. It's really sad that people think it's okay to damage lives like this - their former partner's but also their children - do they really think it is helpful / justified? I just don't understand that mindset at all. I am worried that DS1 is hearing a lot of untruths and believing them. It's not that I don't want the children to have a relationship with their dad, I just wish it could be more positive. I'm so jealous of relationships where the father is a compassionate, caring contributor rather than boorish, critical and mean. I want my children to know about having respect for others, being able to accept differences and working within their future families as part of a team, expecting to do their bit and being caring towards their partners - surely that's how it should be?