I don't know if this is the right place to post this, I'm sorry if I waffle on a bit. I have three children, two from a previous relationship (emotionally abusive) and one with my current boyfriend. We've been together almost 4 years and for the most part, everything is great. I love him deeply, he's a wonderful father to all three of my children and he treats me with respect and kindness which is the best anyone can hope for.
My pain comes from my own dreams. When we got together I made it clear what my hopes were, I wanted marriage and more children and if I had doubted he wanted those things at all I wouldn't have entered the relationship. He told me he too wanted marriage some day and 2 of his own children and off we went building a life together. 3 years later I casually asked why we weren't yet engaged or married and his answer threw me. He changed his mind, he listed off countless reasons as to why marriage isn't important to him, how he wasn't sure about me (history of depression but mending slowly), his view seems to have changed a lot over the years. I thought we were getting closer, I thought we had a bond that was unbreakable and now I am questioning everything. It hurts so much. All I ever wanted was to be one of those cute old married couples holding hands on a bench in the park, celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary surrounded by family. I feel so stupid for wanting those things but what I'm here for is to ask how to let it go?
How do I let go of that dream as it is breaking me?
I resent him now and I am scared it will only grow with time if I don't get help soon and that is hurting all of us. I feel like he led me on. Now I get the pleasure of being a long-term live in girlfriend my whole life or being single. You see things like this are difficult for me, I have Aspergers, and naturally I had plans. Plans that were meticulous and it is so hard to accept those plans will never come to fruition. I'll never have my fourth child and I'll never be someones wife and it is all because my boyfriend simply changed his mind. There is no compromise for this, I know. His no is a no for both of us and I think that is the hardest part. I'm at an age where all my friends are happily engaged or married and I feel like old produce at the back of the shelf. It makes me feel not worthy of marriage. It makes me feel unwanted.
Our child wasn't planned and when we found out we were both distraught, this led to me trying to cope with that pregnancy completely alone, as I had with both my older children. My boyfriend came around to being a father in the last month and was my rock through the birth and has been an amazing father ever since. I desperately want one more child. He doesn't want any more children. He is adamant he won't change his mind and I wouldn't try to change it anyway, same with marriage. I don't want to force him or put pressure on him to do anything he doesn't want to do, it would only damage us more. It just hurts, because in giving him what he wants I get nothing I want. I feel like I was told so many things and none of them are true. I feel cheap for staying. That old phrase of getting the milk for free burns me. Good enough to sleep with, not good enough to marry is pretty much what torments me each night as I fall asleep.
I am considering therapy to try to help me overcome these feelings but it is hard to find a professional to talk to that understands my Asperger thoughts as well as normal thoughts and fears. I feel like I end up getting laughed at like my last therapist because I don't understand people very well. My boyfriend I try to talk to but I feel like it only ever ends up going sour. He is so unsentimental and stern and I am more about embracing what little life we have on this planet. Ying and Yang when it comes to matters of the heart.
If you've been in this situation, how did you close the door to your dreams? Did you get over them? Is it possible to be with him and happy knowing he doesn't love me as I love him? I feel as though I've ruined the relationship from talking about it too much but I genuinely feel like at this point if he did ask I'd have to reject because it would just be him settling for me or pitying me. Marriage doesn't matter to him and I WISH it didn't matter to me.
As for having another child, I don't have long before early menopause sets in. Knowing I'll never get to grow another life is shattering, I so love being a mother. I have zero family aside from my children. I have no friends either. I am literally alone in the universe aside from my boyfriend and my children. When I was a child my house was never empty and then when I was 12, everyone left. All that time alone was spent dreaming of a brighter future, filled with family and love. Now I'm at the end of my prime and nothing worked out like I wanted it to. I feel like such a failure, not just for me but for my children too. When they're older and they ask why dad never married mum I know i'll have to bite my tongue because all I can think to say is "it's because he never truly loved me".