how can i be less like this?

[kked]

I fall in love quickly and I pick bad men.

I lose all sense of self in a relationship.

I give too much and i expect too little.

If they say they love me they can pretty much do anything to me and I'll take it.

I become addicted to them and obsessed with them when it ends.

I am totally ruled by my emotions (see above, lose all sense of self) and put up with terrible behaviour.

I am totally willing to cast aside everything i want for a man and overlook all the ways they aren't right for me.

After each breakup I am completely convinced that there's no one like them in the world and I'll never find anyone else as good.

How can i be less like this?

To be brutally honest you need to stop being in any relationship and engage is therapy to work out why you allow this and how to improve your self worth. People on here always recommend the Freedom Programme and you sound as if you'd be a prime candidate for benefiting from it.

The good news is that you are recognising the patterns and see a need to change. Good luck.

First off you need to work out exactly why you choose bad men; that is probably a lot to do with your own relationship with your dad in particular and parents as a whole.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

What sort of an example did your parents show you in terms of their relationship? What was your dad like towards you; was he emotionally unavailable to you as a child, was his love conditional, did he walk out on the family?. His influence on you is telling. All the above and more besides can have a deleterious effect on a young girl and those lessons can be carried forwards into her own relationships in adulthood.

Your boundaries and relationship bar in relationships are so low as to be almost non existent; small wonder therefore that you've had dysfunctional relationships. It will keep happening as well unless you unlearn all the crap and damage you have learnt about relationships along the way. You also have to love your own self too, you do not have to look to men to validate you. BACP are good and do not charge the earth. Do not date at all until you have sorted out your own issues, you will thank your own self for doing that.

I think you need to be alone for a good while and work on yourself. Spend time with your friends, get out and about, learn to be happy on your own. That's the key. You will be ready for a relationship when you don't need one. When your head is in a healthier place

I also wondered if you were yourself abused in childhood. If this is the case NAPAC may also be of huge benefit to you.

My parents taught me that my job was to seek and earn their approval.

My dad was (and is) extremely critical and emotionally absent.

Both parents are alcoholics. My mother in particular held her children responsible for her happiness.

I know this - will talking about it in therapy really make a difference? I've read the codependency books and have made my peace with needing to be single/work on myself.

Often, its a combination of low self esteem, a disengaged upbringing and the dominant culture.
If you've grown up feeling negative and anxious about yourself then those feelings of inferiority will inevitably spill over into relationships.
If your upbringing lacked a positive male or female role model, that will feed into all those feelings already mentioned plus a few more.
And then there's culture.
We live in a society that up until now, celebrates being male while it denigrates being female; it is changing: feisty and assertive is replacing simpering and passive as desirable traits in women, but its still early days and its still a culture that seeps into the very fabric of what it means to be a woman in 21st Century UK.
Get some counselling, read books about toxic relationships and there's one called 'Why Men Love Bitches', which will give you an insight into how men perceive relationships.
But for now, avoid, avoid, avoid relationships because you really need to address these issues. You need to stop being an emotional doormat essentially. But you know that.
And good for you, addressing, identifying and determining to overcome what is a very sad and very common reality for so many women.
More power to you OP.

Sounds like you are without a doubt a co-dependant.

I am the same (although with tee total parents). I can recommend some good books. You can also have counselling for this and there is a network of support groups. Xxx

Sorry cross post!

It is not your fault your parents are the ways they are, you did not make them that way.

With parents like yours were (and still are), anyone would have been messed up big time. You were but a child. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from them and yours taught you a shedload of damaging lessons leaving you with a whole raft of emotional problems. No wonder your relationship history is a disaster.

I hope you have no relationship at all with either of them these days. You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as there is a chapter in that book about alcoholic parents. Alcoholics can truly be the most selfish people.

Yes, therapy could help you no end but its not a quick fix and there is a lot here that needs to be unpicked. It will take time.

BACP are good and do not charge the earth. You need to find someone who fits in with your own approach. Interview such people like a job interview, find the best candidate you can work with. Also you need to work with someone who has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

Al-anon can help.

You may also want to contact Codependents Anonymous.