I suspect I already know the answer.

[Gilead]

Name change for obvious reasons. Been split up with dp for a year after a relationship that went on for over 20 years. He was arrested for da and dv. For various valid and important reasons I didn't go to court. Part of this is because I didn't want some things to come out because I think there are things your children do not need to know. I have PTSD because of the way I was treated by him.
Over the last couple of months I'm remembering more and more, some little things and some not so little. I know he did things he shouldn't have done and I cannot talk about it, but I do 'see it', all of a sudden I'm there and it's happening all over again. It's become more frequent.
A few years ago encounters of the fully sexual kind stopped, I wasn't going to allow things to happen any more, particularly as he was in love with someone else, so he told me. He got over that, I didn't. I know now that it was to separate me from a friend and he wasn't in love with her at all. Anyway, for a few years after this he used to harass me for sexual favours, hands mouth. Pleading, begging, cajoling and sometimes matter of fact. He would inform me that he'd researched and he'd definitely be less aggressive as there wouldn't be such a testosterone build up etc.and that due to an injury the pain would improve due to release of semen building up. I obliged for a few years because I didn't see how I couldn't, it was just easier. I've never told anyone this. Not the police, the WA worker nobody. I don't know how to and I feel stupid because I'm not entirely sure whether I was to blame for being compliant. I did say no, but always ended up giving in and the flashbacks are getting more frequent and I keep thinking about self harm, or just wandering off and not coming back, being homeless and just being, somewhere, anywhere but here.

Sound very much like you have PTSD. You've been through an horrendous time and I really do think you should seek some support to help you work through everything that has happened to you.

I'm really sorry op that you have had to endure what you have.
Do you have any sort of counselling at all?
I have no experience but am here for a hand hold.
Could you call your gp and ask for an urgent appointment ?
They can help you get a referral to someone to help you deal with things that are affecting you.

I've been on the list for trauma counselling for a while. I'm seeing a mental health support worker in September. I don't know what to say. It's so far down the line I'm frightened they'll think I'm making it up, but I didn't want to talk about it at the time and I made that very clear. But now, it's like a simmering pot, I stick on a smile and say I'm okay but it's all there bubbling under the surface, only where it was only happening now and then, it's there nearly all the time now. And I feel so so stupid. I know it's bullshit about the testosterone, and still I gave in, so I'm just stupid in that department aren't I.

I can only hold your hand OP.

I have had similar times in my life when the memories are overwhelming and I want to run away. For me it has always been the case that I just needed to hold on for a few weeks until the storm started to pass. Then I could start to go back to normal. The secret was not to be afraid of being afraid iyswim. Trying to accept that the suffering of flashbacks is just part of my life and I needn't be scared because they wouldn't last forever.

My bad times last weeks to months but not usually longer than six months. During these times I do things like lie in the bath constantly topping up hot water, play mindless games on my phone, texting friends inane stuff, watch Graham Norton Show clips or other funny stuff, cry, write in my journal, do drawings or other art, and make sure I had food in the house that I was able to eat (ice cream etc) as my appetite would just go for weeks when I was like this. Being hungry made all the feelings worse so I had to stay on top of that. Also I take over the counter sleep aids, half dose, every second night so that I can have a proper break. Not every night as they can make me feel depressed after a while.

Some times talking about it just seemed unbearable and I wouldn't access counseling. At other times I needed to talk and would get in to see someone, even just someone at my church or a trusted friend who was able to listen for a while. It's hard though because I sometimes would feel even more alienated after telling my story to someone. Because it feels like no one can understand.

I am rambling but if you ever do want to chat about things, you can PM me. xx

You're not stupid, you did what women have done for millennia, you made a trade off in your mind of keeping him from hurting you until you were ready to go. xx

You've been so brave, I hate to hear you talk badly about yourself x

Thank you. My mood seems to be all over the place, one minute I'm rational and sensible and the next I'm in pieces in a heap and the whole damned world is my fault! It's ridiculous!
It's also scaring me. PTSD was one of his excuses, although knowing what I know now, I'm not entirely sure I believe all of what I was told. I definitely don't believe some of it and have found out that other bits aren't true too. But you know what it's like, he was badly treated and I fell for his sob story. Found out since that nothing he said about her was true, of course, I was just the next victim. Point is, I don't want to be like him. Am I rambling? I think I am. Sorry.

do you know, the thoughts you are having are just your brain trying to fill in the blanks as to why your body has all the fear hormones rolling around.

And your body is secreting fear hormones because it's assuming you're still in danger, and is trying to create a sense of panic and urgency, so that you will get it out of danger.

But it's like a furnace whose thermometer is a bit off. There is actually nothing to be afraid of - your body is imagining it - and your brain is making up reasons, because it's confused and is trying to make sense of it all.

It's not actually ridiculous. It's understandable and actually v v natural, almost to be expected, really. You are so early on in recovery. You are going to feel half broken for a while yet. But you are going to feel better in time.

Yes he had a sob story - all of us do. Problem is that he used his sob story as a way to get in and injure you.

You haven't and aren't doing that. You are suffering but you're reaching out for help, not looking to hurt people so that you feel power somehow.

You're like him in that you're human, sure - but you aren't using your pain to abuse, so no, you're not like him in that way.

Be kind to yourself OP. Try to look with compassion on your own suffering, the way you would look to your child or an animal, and know that they are in pain and need care.

Is there something you can do that might help you get through when you feel you're in pieces? Colouring in app on phone? Box set?

the reason I am asking about something inane to get you through - is because it's important that you remember, you do not have to "do" anything about these thoughts or feelings that you're having. You don't need to resolve them, or try to make them go away, or argue with them, or anything like that. You can just allow them to happen and exist, while you busy yourself with whatever makes you feel a little better for a few moments.

You can care for yourself/ be gentle and loving to yourself even as these thoughts roll around and create their own little storms. They WILL pass given enough time. You don't have to attend to them in any way until then. You can just leave them be x

When you get to counselling tell your counsellor or therapist. If you want to talk before then, the DV Police officer should be able to guide you through it.

Please don't let him push you over the edge. You deserve to be happy.

Don't be hard on yourself. There is a reason this is a known phenomenon, because human being react to certain kinds of treatment in predictable ways. You're like others going through a similar trauma

This is NOT your fault and the support network/counsellors will NOT think you are making it up. Take your time, tell as much as you can in your own words when you can

even

Thank you so much. The Stamp, the description you give makes so much sense. I know I have nothing to be afraid of, logically, although I screamed when I left something in the kitchen last week and as I walked past later that day, I thought it was something of his. Ridiculous, I know.
I guess it's also ridiculous to expect over 20 years of conditioning to go quickly too.
I haven't told my dv police officer about this, I don't want anyone to know and ex would tell the children I'd accused him and that I'm lying. I don't want to do that to them. I haven't actually told anyone in real life, every time it's come up, I've just done a sort of pearl clutch and said that I don't discuss that sort of thing, thank you.
Thank you for your kind words everyone. I guess I just need to get through until the counselling session in September.