Separation - to stay or to go?

[weatherfairy]

Hi lovely Mumsnetters

First of all, I don't have kids (although hope to one day if things change) so I was unsure about joining and posting this here - but I couldn't find any other forums that would be helpful, and I really need objective help at the mo!

My DH and I have been very unhappy in our marriage essentially since we got married - 3 years. Over the last two in particular I've been desperately unhappy and totally unsure about how to change the situation. He’s been super-stressed with work for a long time and, I think, has used me a bit as an emotional punchbag. It hasn’t been intentional and nothing major has happened to make me change my mind about whether we can work it out – ultimately I just feel like I've done my best, I’m so tired and we've reached the end of the road.

This year has been a turning point for me - I've had extended trips away with work and a long holiday with a girlfriend and didn't miss DH at all. Closest friends and family have commented on my being "back to normal" in the last couple of months - a version of me who they haven't seen for years (I've been with DH for seven years). They say I am happier, more content, less manic, more confident - just basically the best version of me.

I've suffered depression for years - since my teens - and earlier this year I had a huge depressive episode. Since I returned from a recent work trip - when I was the positive and happy me - I have been spiralling again, feeling really trapped - and it doesn't take a genius to realise the correlation between being around my husband and being very unhappy.

There isn't anyone else in the picture - I have met a few men who have made me realise there is probably someone far better matched to me out there, but my current feeling is just a need to be independent and free.

I never thought I'd get married and then divorced. I desperately don't want to hurt my DH but I feel we are in a situation where either my mental health state will spiral if I stay, or he will be massively hurt if I go.

Do trial separations work? Would you guys advise having some space and time away from each other help me feel clearer? Am I just being desperately selfish and should I try harder to make the marriage work again?

Thank you for listening!
WF x

I'd absolutely recommend some time apart.

You have got nothing to lose. It's surprising how people's depression lifts once they end an unhappy marriage.

Thank you, QL5. It's one of those horrible situations where I desperately don't want to hurt him or cause him any more stress, but I'm going to have to if the right thing for me is to be apart.

Isn't it funny how hard we find it to put ourselves first?

WFx

Is your Dh happy? I think if you don't have children separating is something that you can do easily.

How old are you? Often we become different people by late 20s and earlier relationships no longer suit.

I would not hang on to a poor marriage if no children involved.

Thanks Hermonie.

He had also been desperately unhappy. Just when I came to the conclusion our marriage wasn't working, he realised how bad it had got and is now determined to do anything to make it work. I wish I could accept that and work at rebuilding, but I feel like the feelings are long gone.

I'm early 30s, he's early 40s. The age gap has never been a problem but for the first time I feel our ages and life stages are a little incompatible.

I've always been a lot more social than him and have a wide group of friends I see frequently. At the moment, I want to spend my time with them rather than him - which surely shows something's not quite right.

WFx