Do I send one final message to formally end it or just leave things now?

[JesusTapdancingChrist]

Have been in a bit of an on/off relationship for the past few years. Genuine feelings there but also genuine issues. He is a woeful communicator for one, shuts down/storms off rather than talk about stuff. He was also starting to get a bit lazy, no thoughtful gestures, we never went away for as much as a night, he never texts me when he had his DC, he was getting a bit selfish in bed (sex has always been fantastic before). And this is when we only see each other once or twice a week so should still be fun.

I told him a few weeks ago that I wasn't happy with how things were, instead of our relationship moving forwards it was starting to feel stagnant and a bit pointless. He said he was surprised but let's find a way to "move forwards together".

Since then, nothing. I've had a manic few weeks with family visiting, my DC have been busy and I became extremely unwell for a week. Didn't hear a peep from him. I know this goes both ways but tbh I was expecting him to make some sort of effort so wasn't keen on texting him first (as a I have always done in the past) Not game-playing, just no energy left to try. I'm feeling loads better now and am quite happy spending my child free time on my own. Have sorted my garden, joined a gym and am generally quite content.

As I said, not a peep from him. This has happened before. The combination of his poor communication skills and male pride make him unable to extend the olive branch. Last time it happened I cracked and got in touch and he leapt at the chance to meet up/reconcile. This time I just cannot be arsed. I'm in my mid 30's, he's in his 40's. I just do not have time or energy for this nonsense anymore.

I've deleted his number from my phone. A small part of me is tempted to send one last text along the lines of 'Just to make it clear, I'm done now. Your complete inability to communicate like an adult is not something I'm willing to put up with anymore.' and then blocking him. This isn't me trying to engage him btw, more a way of drawing a line under the whole thing and not spending the next few weeks semi-wondering if he'll message me.

Text or just leave things as they are?

And if you hear from him by text, dont forget to respond 'who is this?'.

Think of some good things to do though for when the weakness does hit - which of course won't be related to him at all - but just our normal peak and troughs which happen both in and out of relationships.

I'd leave it.

He's obviously not into you.

From what you've written I think he has already dumped you.

Just a non-update update: feeling great and not even remotely tempted to get in touch 💪.

Have arranged alternative company for the gigs we were meant to be going to for the rest of the year and have organised a few nights out with friends I haven't seen in ages.

Was sorting my room last night and found an item that belongs to him. What's the deal with returning it. If I stick it in the post, will it be seen as an attempt to make contact? (It really wouldn't be - just don't want his belongings here).

Stick it in a carrier bag somewhere safe and only return it if he turns up to ask for it.

Good, I was going to say, it's not his inability, it's been his choice to not treat you well; he's a waste of your time so stick with it.

I'd not return anything but keep it stored and if he wants it, put it outside your door or in a bin for him to collect.

Is it pricey / sentimental value? If not, bin it. If so, give it to a friend to deliver to his useless arse.

Yeh agree once i sent a text to formally end things and didmt get a reply so instead of feeling like the mature communicator who had drawn a line under ambiguity, i felt like i was pushing a "you're dumped" note through a glued shut letter box.
I was the mature one who did not ghost if that's any comfort to me but mutual ghosting would have been less of a (slight) loss of face.

Pagan that's precisely where I'm at. I think it's shit for a relationship to end via mutual ghosting but I'm sure as hell not going to be the one who compromises my dignity by initiating contact.

Just back from the gym where I smashed my workout 😀. Going to make tea and watch a film. Old me would've been 2-3 glasses down by this time on a child free Friday night and probably feeling dangerously sentimental.

The item was just a CD (albeit a special one to him) and I've decided that if he wants it badly enough he can damn well ask for it.

Thanks again everyone.

I'd bin it but I'm a mean fecker at times.

He text tonight. The most pathetic non-apology apology ever blaming his ghosting of me on being wrapped up in work and family and also the fact that he was sulking with me which by his own admission was pathetic.

I replied something along the lines of 'Seriously?! That's it? LOL.' before blocking him.

Personal update: am still sober (37 days - woo!), am still eating really well and going to the gym and am down 17lbs. I am so much more content and balanced than I used to be. Am really enjoying the mental clarity and sense of peace that comes from not drinking and now feel like I'm switched on all the time and am really living my life.

Am going to keep working on myself and maybe sign up for OLD in the new year (when I've hit my target and am super hot 😂).

Just wanted to get that all down.

Wow well done. Keep it up!

Yey! Well done JTC

Good for you 👍
Best of luck for your continued happiness

Well done OP, I'm glad things are going well. He's moved from ghosting to zombieing you! Cheeky bugger! Why on earth was he sulking when all you said was that you wanted to move the relationship forward?! Bullet dodged.

Angel This is it. Why was he sulking with me? Probably because I expressed an honest feeling, something he seems incapable of. Anyway, who the fuck cares anymore. The lacklustre nature of his message has just validated everything I think about him. He's spineless, emotionally stunted and, frankly, not worth my time. I think he genuinely expected me to say 'Oh that's ok, don't worry. Let's just pick up where we left off'. The gigantic twatbag.

I know that a few months ago I wouldn't have been as strong, in fact I probably would have initiated contact after a few . Not anymore!

Thanks for the replies

Just read this thread, you're my new hero, OP

Thank you Hot .

Have come back and re-read the thread every time I've felt lonely or a bit down and everyone's comments have whipped my arse right back into gear.

That's why I love MN .

JTC, you rock. Seriously.

You're worth so much more than that apathetic knob

Ah OP I've just asked the same original question as you did on my thread. Difference is I have a lot to say about what a dick he is whilst he, in his self centred, self absorbed head thinks he's a decent bloke. Arghhhh! You're doing fabulous

I'm so sorry it's happened to you as well AmI. How are you doing now?

Well, a few days after blocking him I received a parcel in the post containing 2 ancient kitchen bowls that I had totally forgotten he had and that he knew I didn't want or need back .

I wasn't happy with how I left things because I hadn't had the chance to express exactly how awful what he had done was and how inadequate his apology was. I spent a few days composing a very calm but thorough text explaining how terribly he had acted, how awful his communication skills were (the words emotionally stunted manchild were used), how deeply unattractive a 43 year old man sulking like a petulant 6 year old was and how I need and deserve someone who can actually talk to me like a fully functioning adult. It wasn't spiteful or venomous, just a concise breakdown of exactly how he had fucked the relationship up and why I was surprised he thought I'd accept it. After keeping it in my drafts folder for a few days, reading, re-reading and amending I decided to send it.

I wasn't trying to re-engage, I didn't want any response or even acknowledgement. I literally just wanted to have my say and then never ever ever speak to him or see him again. I waited for the two blue ticks to show it had been read, deleted it and blocked him again from WhatsApp/text/email/calls.

I genuinely feel better for having gotten it out and having made it clear to him why this was the absolute end. I hate the word 'closure' but that is exactly what I felt I have attained.

Onwards and upwards! (20lbs down now, still sober, thinking about bringing the OLD forwards to the festive season so I can wear all my foxy dresses that haven't fitted for 2+ years [grin).

I did the same thing OP. Got massive apologies. But also told his heart wasn't in it any more. At least I said what I wanted to say and I think I retained my dignity. Still feel sad though. Single at 42!! Fuckity fuck

Another update:

I had my first big wobble and text him . Don't even have alcohol to blame (70 days sober today!). It wasn't a 'miss you' text, more of a rant/character assassination . Needless to say I've had zero back which has actually proved helpful in making me realise how over it all he is.

Bright side: I've now lost 26lbs, apart from the wobble I'm feeling really fantastic and am enjoying a lovely cosy morning snuggled up watching films with the DC and Ddog. Have a fridge full of healthy delicious food and half term next week to look forward to. Also, my lovely Dad is coming to visit which I'm really chuffed about.

Am still not ready to start online dating but have been getting a lot of male attention recently which shallowly has made me feel great .

Hope you're doing ok Ami

Don’t beat yourself up over the wobble but do permanently delete his number so it can’t happen again!

You’ve done brilliantly.

Thanks doris .

Unfortunately I know his number off by heart so short of a memory erasing gadget a la Men in Black there's no getting rid of it permanently. My will is strong though, I won't be doing anything to further embarrass myself .

We were meant to be going to a gig next week, an artist whose music meant a hell of a lot to us and our relationship . I think that's what set me off down the texting route. Eurgh.