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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he rebounding?

49 replies

MissPeterRabbit · 20/08/2017 23:37

I broke up with my boyfriend only 9 weeks ago and I just found out that 2 weeks after we split, he started seeing someone new. This girl he is now with has known socially since march this year and I found out they had been spending more time together (he later told me he had developed feelings for her towards the point of our break up - we hadn't been working for a long time).

Then, after only a month of being together (6 weeks post break up) he declared his excitement online about flying to her home country to meet her parents. (The post was not intended for me to see but I came across it nonetheless). Now it seems they're almost living in the flat we lived in for the whole year we were together, sleeping in the bed we choose together. I am devastated - I feel I have been replaced with someone who is the total Opposite of me. Although Our relationship fell apart because of compatibility we were very close until that point. We had no contact after we broke up. I am very hurt by this. Is he rebounding? Or is this normal for a guy?

OP posts:

Original poster

MissPeterRabbit · 22/08/2017 10:32

Yes I assumed that he would wait more than 2 weeks before starting a new relationship. We lived together. I was part of his family. It seems this girl had pursued him to some extent, they had met through a social event he went to weekly and he even laughed to me about how this gir used to follow him home they long way round every week as she lived down the road from us and he thought she had a crush on him. I didn't think anything more of it, as an attractive man he got a lot of female attention.

We had been fighting a lot and I found out he had been to the cinema with some random woman form his social (turns out its the new girlfriend now) but we agreed to take some space and think about seeing a coupled therapist. In that time apart i saw him on whatsapp into the early hours and was online a lot. When I questioned him he got defensive and after a few days of me asking for reassurance, he ended saying he couldn't live like this and I was backing out of our agreement for space.

He had also cheated on me back in April when he kissed someone at a party and then texted someone else at a party, coming clean to me a week later. So yes, the relationship wasn't good for a while, but I completely invested in him and he led me to bleieve he wanted to make us work, right up until 3 days before he ended (by text message). So stupid of me.

OP posts:

ConcreteUnderpants · 22/08/2017 11:11

Oh dear, OP.
You are so better off out of this, and tbh are coming across as quite a needy doormat. You really need to look at your self-esteem and what are acceptable boundaries for you in relationships.
He treated you terribly from almost the beginning of the relationship.

Congratulate yourself on getting out and consider this a bullet dodged.

Adora10 · 22/08/2017 12:38

You invested in someone who clearly was no good whatsoever, cheating, bad treatment, the lot; there was nothing good about it OP, you need to now spend this time getting to know yourself and loving you and then you will not be taken in so easily next time by a user, that's all he was.

Adora10 · 22/08/2017 12:39

And remember, always go by a person's actions towards you, not their words alone.

Applebloom · 22/08/2017 17:59

Sounds like you were more invested in relationship than he was if he cheated on you and was bragging about being followed by coincidentally the woman he's now with.
Clearly he had her lined up just before splitting with you.
Some people don't do well being alone between relationships and only jump ship when another is available.
He isn't worth another moment of your time he treated you terribly.

Original poster

MissPeterRabbit · 22/08/2017 19:22

It really, really hurts

OP posts:

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 22/08/2017 19:26

Oh dear OP. Best thing you can do is block him, on everything, maybe block her too for good measure. You'll torture yourself by looking.
As for your actual question, might be a rebound, might not. Only time will tell. But it's none of your business now, and he is not your concern.
Some people do move on quickly, it's just the way hey are. You have to be the way you are and allow yourself to deal with this in the way which is best for you, but stalking him online and questioning his every move simply isn't that way.

Ellisandra · 22/08/2017 19:35

Definitely look into therapy.
Staying with a cheat was a bad move, and it will probably help you for the future if you can understand why you did that. That's a far better place to put your mentally than wondering if she's a rebound.

She's certainly not a rebound from your relationship with him - he'd checked out at the latest last April.

thestamp · 22/08/2017 20:27

I completely invested in him

This bit that you've said here ^ is really the problem. You decided that this was it, he was the one, the best thing ever. But OP you two were hardly together long at all. You didn't know him. The only mistake you made here was in "investing" in someone that you didn't even know!

I would venture to say that part of the reason you are so deeply hurt right now is because you know this, on some level, and you are mourning your dented pride as well as your broken heart. It's an awful feeling, I only know about it because I have been there, literally!

In future please, please always remember it takes a LONG time to get to know someone. Years. I would say two years would be the minimum.

Never ever pin your heart on someone - never start actually investing in someone - until you've seen their actions and words line up for YEARS running. This man was clearly showing you who he was, from at least April of this year. When it was that fraught within the first year, you should have walked away. Not suggested counseling.

I agree with what pp have said, you do need to stop looking at his online presence, cut yourself off from information about him, etc. But I also urge you to look deep into your heart and resolve to make better choices about relationships in future x You deserve better than what this man was offering you!

Original poster

MissPeterRabbit · 22/08/2017 22:44

He asked me to move in with him after only 4 weeks of being together. I did because I thought he was "the one". From
Knowing more about him now and the many failed relationships he's had (and virtually zero time being single) I can see that he had this new girl well and truly lined up before he actually did the deed. Even when I tried to end things - three times! - he said he loved me and wanted to make us work. Even after he'd been to cinema with the now new girlfriend, we were still together (he confessed after that he had developed feelings for her by then).

I know I need to sort my shit out so this never happens again, but sometimes these guys have this ability to just make you believe they're "it". And all logic and rationality disappears....I feel like this guy has completely fucked up my head.

OP posts:

Grooves · 22/08/2017 23:06

At this moment in time, you're gunna feel these things, but it'll get better.

He isn't worth it, and you sound like you know it (deep down)

Take each day as it comes and concentrate on you. Do the things that make you happy and get them out your head.

Wake up tomorrow and say "I'm gunna get strong and move on" keep saying it to yourself.

Delete the Facebook profile.

Ellisandra · 22/08/2017 23:20

Why do you think she'd be a rebound though, when you already went through starting to dump him 3x and the cheating too?

Slow. Down.

Even if he was charming and manipulative, 4 weeks is a bit bloody quick to move in with him

thestamp · 23/08/2017 00:33

sometimes these guys have this ability to just make you believe they're "it"

I know op. Been there!
My advice for you is to never again trust any sense that someone is "it".
Next time you feel that, see it for what it is, a red flag.
Observe the emotions and impulses that come out in response to the red flag - and experiment with seeing them for what they are - automatic chemical reactions that are awakened by seasoned manipulators.

You are going to heal from this experience and you won't let it recur. Don't be afraid of the pain you feel at the moment - it's temporary, as all emotions are - including the emotions of infatuation! Every emotion can be waited out... They all pass... again, this includes pain, infatuation, and all the feelings a manipulator stirs up. You don't need to act on any of them. You can just observe them as they take their natural course

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 23/08/2017 08:18

Try to focus on the bad points, you kept trying to break up with him and the relationship was crazy rushed. If you were trying to finish with him, you must have known he wasn't all that!

guiltybystander · 23/08/2017 09:06

This man sounds like a piece of turd. Player.

Barbaro · 23/08/2017 09:10

Maybe the new one is 'the one' but it's doubtful, he probably said the same about you.

I got with my boyfriend not long after he had left a long term relationship too and we were friends and going out to the cinema and places together a few weeks after he broke up with his ex. I did worry he was just rebounding, but we kept it slow and it's worked out well for us. Just saying it may not be a rebound, but you'll never know I guess. You just need to get over him, easier said than done, but stop looking for updates on Facebook about him.

Original poster

MissPeterRabbit · 23/08/2017 10:03

^^I did worry he was just rebounding, but we kept it slow and it's worked out well for us

She took him back to Finland to meet her parents after only a month of seeing each other. He posted on his Facebook that he was going to meet them with smiley faces and heart emojis (that's how I found out - we are not FB friends, I was snooping because I had a feeling he was cheating when we split and wanted to see if this was true). That's not taking it slow though! Maybe not a rebound but clearly she's an "overlapper"

On Saturday night I lost my mind. I turned up at his flat after hours of harassing them both online. I then assaulted them both before eventually having 10 mins on my own with him to ask the questions I've wanted to know since we split. I'm very lucky they didn't call the police. I'm now seeking psychological help.

OP posts:

Barbaro · 23/08/2017 10:30

I met my boyfriends parents the first week we were together. Nothing really in that to be honest.

Yeah you need help drastically and you're very lucky they haven't had you arrested. Stop looking for things about him online and stop going to speak to him.

happystory · 23/08/2017 10:37

I hope you got some answers when you spoke to him, that is answers that will help you move on. Take care of yourself.

livefornaps · 23/08/2017 10:48

Hope you get the help you need.

revolution909 · 23/08/2017 11:10

Oh dear OP can you get some urgent counseling? Have you called the Samaritans?

TheFaerieQueene · 23/08/2017 11:15

You really need to delete the dummy account and stop snooping. It is very bad for your health and wellbeing.

Original poster

MissPeterRabbit · 23/08/2017 15:18

I had deactivated the account which means you can always log back in :( however I have now found a way to permanently delete the profiles

OP posts:

ExConstance · 23/08/2017 15:25

It does take a while to feel better, maybe a year if you were deeply involved. Many years ago someone I loved did this to me, I found it hard to bear the agony. He started a relationship with someone far more beautiful than me and because of the fact we were students in the same place I couldn't help but see them together constantly. She changed courses to study the same as him and told people they would get married. He then dumped her too. it all sounds as if he is a commitment phobic, you deserve better.

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