Need to talk about relationship

[Rubyrose26]

Hi ladies,

I really need to get this out and talk and I hope there are some ladies out there that can advise me or offer a supportive shoulder. I'm a single mum to a beautiful 7 year old daughter, her father isn't involved, this was his decision plus he was abusive towards me. Anyway what I need to talk about is my current relationship. We have been together for around a year, it hasn't been easy but here we are a year later.
He is very full on, constantly telling me he loves me, wanting to know where I am all the time, wanting to spend 24/7 together etc......a few days ago I felt very suffocated by his constant text messages, he text me, then text again as id not replied, then again and again slowly getting more and more angry...I had told him I was going shopping so I only saw the messages when I got to my car, I felt really worried and then I got angry as he messaged me so much when he knew I was shopping. I told him I felt suffocated and needed space, he just ignored me and continued to smother me so I told him I couldn't do it anymore. A few hours later he turned up at my house to collect his things, I opened the door and he pushed me against the wall, walked in to get his bag, I remained calm but he went absolutely crazy, he punched me in the stomach, trashed my house then spat in my face and called me a c*nt, he then proceeded to pour a bottle of wine over me then chuck the empty bottle at me. I'm absolutely mortified! I love this man! How could he be so cruel? Why do I feel so gutted that he's gone? I feel gutted that the relationship is over. I'm finding it difficult to understand why I'm feeling this way! Shouldn't I be happy that I'm rid? Has anyone else experienced this because I feel crazy right now 😢

that sounds absolutely awful and I'm sorry that someone has treated you like that. I'd say it's normal to be sad that the relationship is over.

he's the first person you've got into a serious relationship with since your ex and at some point had plans to build a relationship with him and create a future together. That's no longer the case and it's ok to feel upset by that. love isn't black and white and emotions can be crazy during these times.

I think you've made the right decision in ending the relationship. can you imagine how he will behave next time? you need to be strong through this.

OK

Just in case any posters miss this bit he punched you in the stomach

Even before you'd got to that bit I was thinking that he sounded way, way too controlling. He made you feel suffocated and he punished you for trying to have a little space from him by 1) punching you in the stomach and 2) pouring wine all over your floor 3) threw a wine bottle at you and verbally abused you calling you a cunt.

There is no way that you are in the wrong here. There is no way that that man is worthy of your love, he is not even worthy of your tolerance.

He's flounced off now and that is a very good thing. I hope that your 7 year old daughter doesn't witness you mourning the 'loss' of this man. Please try and reframe it to her that he wasn't nice to you so you are happy to be without him as you only want to share your life with nice people.

[tea]

Oh he sounds awful. All the texting is bad enough and a big red flag. His behaviour in your home is terrible. You are much better off without him. You will be grieving the loss of the person you thought he was. That person doesn't actually exist, he's shown you the real him and it's nasty. I'm sorry you're hurting

ps, sorry, I didn't really answer your question. I think it's because if you're a People Pleaser and if you have Nice Girl Syndrome (I did) you end up seeking the approval of men who intermittently reward us with ''approval''. That's why these unreasonable controlling disapproving types can seem attractive. Or, not attractive per se, but the dynamic between you is familiar.

Right now you feel unsettled because the thing that would calm you is his ''forgiveness''. His ''blessing''. His ''understanding''. His approval

He won't give it, or maybe he will when he senses that you're pulling away, maybe he'll suck you back in by briefly giving you the approval you crave if you're a people-pleasing nice girl but it will only ever be temporary. For five minutes you'll feel so relieved. So so so so relieved. There is no relief like it. Finally he approves of you. Finally finally he isn't disapproving of you. But it's never going to last. Within a few days he'll be disapproving again and that's the dynamic that feels familiar to you perhaps.

You don't love him.... dare I suggest that you're in need (Not in love) with his approval/blessing/validation/forgiveness.

It's not at all an unusual dynamic. He takes. You give. He disapproves and controls. You seek his approval and validation.

Please don't forgive him for punching you and verbally abusing you if he appears to be contrite. It will be brief and the only thing he'll learn from it if you forgive him is that he can punch you in the stomach, throw a wine bottle at you, call you a cunt and you will still take him back and give him another chance.

You will get past this. Block him. Delete him. Ignore him. Don't get drawn back in to any drama baits. No matter what he accuses you of in order to engage you in to a conversation ignore it. xx

Run for the hills , he will do this again if you accept his apology

Your replies made me cry tears of relief! Thank you so much for what you've said.
I was happy yesterday, I felt like I could breath again! But today I feel really low. I half expected an apology or at least some acknowledgment of what he did!
Luckily my daughter was with her gran.
I want to slap myself for feeling sad that he is gone! What is this about! I should be be jumping for joy that it's over! Am I so used to being a victim that I crave it now? I'm annoying myself! Need some girl power!!!

Pagangoddessbriget
You hit the nail on the head! Xx

Have you reported him to the police? He punched you in the stomach, spat at you, poured wine over you and threw the bottle at you? Please, please, please report this bloke, abusive and quite frankly dangerous man.

Please do not let this man back in your house - you need to protect both yourself and your DD.

Minmooch
Yes I reported to the police but they didn't show up. They called today to ask me to go to the police station on Thursday to make a statement etc. But today I started feeling guilty for getting him in trouble!! I don't get why I'm feeling guilty!!!
He is denying he trashed my house/assaulted me to mutual friends, he told them I did it myself because I'm crazy

Follow it through Rubyz. You know what he did. Stand tall and even though some of this feels uncomfortable this will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your DD. Be proud of yourself, love yourself and know without a shred of doubt that you deserve someone who treats you with respect and love.

Thank you minmooch! You don't know how much I appreciate your words xxx