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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gaslighting

15 replies

Thefullmoon · 20/08/2017 15:44

Don't know where to start. H was using sex workers about two years ago. For some unknown reason stayed and tried to get through it.
Sometimes I drank too much because I couldn't cope but that's better now. Have worked really hard and now have good full time job.
Went out for dinner and h had what he wanted to drink. I had two small glasses of wine and began to have one free shot at the end and he began telling me it was v strong and was an arse.
So next time we went out I said please don't be so controlling and he began a massive row saying I was an alcoholic....which I'm not.
Unfortunately I said at least I don't have sex with random women.
Shouldn't have said it but I did. He then very coldly said they weren't random.
This was obviously said to hurt me.
I asked him why he said this very calmly days later. He raged saying I didn't understand the word random shouting I drove to brothels so it isn't random.
Instead of being sorry he cried and began a character assassination of me to twist the blame.
Instead of apologising for the random thing he has gaslighted me. I know what words mean FFS.

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 20/08/2017 15:54

Leave him. He sounds horrible. He has sex with prostitutes and you get the blame? I mean, really??

Thefullmoon · 20/08/2017 15:58

thanks for replying. So he is blaming me by his lack of remorse?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 20/08/2017 16:02

Doesn't really matter why he is blaming you, does it?

Ledbury · 20/08/2017 16:04

I think if you can't forgive him, which means not bringing it up in heated moments, it will be better for both of you to end it.

You have mentioned you drank too much before, so he may consider you to be an alcoholic, and you may be one, who hasn't realised yet

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2017 16:18

He cheated on you with whores. That should have been the end of the relationship right there.

yetmorecrap · 20/08/2017 16:28

Hey I understand. My H has said some quite hurtful things when being 'defensive' of his behaviour, particularly if we have had a drink (and I dont mean drunk) -- he then apologises , problem is once they have said it, even if they apologise, the point has been made. The problem is you have tried reconcilliation despite extremely awful behaviour and clearly it still rankles. I think it always will to be honest and I think he probably needs to accept you are always going to be liable to bring it up when upset or angry. he either takes that like a man if you both want to stay together or you separate.

Thefullmoon · 20/08/2017 17:43

Thanks. I get that I should have left. The point is he said they weren't random to intentionally to hurt me and instead of apologising and moving on he argued the definition of the word which is bat shit crazy.
He is arguing that sex workers aren't random because they are sex workers? Like they aren't even people that's whtats getting to me.
When what he really means is they weren't random because he chose them and were probably the same on each time.
Rant over.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/08/2017 17:49

Yeah he was gas lighting you.

Do you really want to stay?

Ellisandra · 20/08/2017 17:49

Aquamarine don't call them whores Angry
Save your nasty words for the OP's cheating arsehole of a husband.
(and I left mine for using prostitutes, so I'm no fan of the work they choose! But it's the man at fault here)

That aside...

OP, he has to accept that you do what he did, the consequence is that sometimes your wife throws it at you. Because it's still in there, it still hurts you, and it's still his fault. There comes a point where if you have decided to stay, yes - you have to stop dragging it up. But the early years when it flies out? That's still his fault and he should recognise that and apologise again.

He sounds like a total arsehole though, and it sounds like it was a mistake to stay with him.

Ellisandra · 20/08/2017 17:50

He's right though - they weren't random. They were very specifically selected women that he chose individually to fuck behind your back. That's a good reason to leave him.

Thefullmoon · 20/08/2017 18:09

Thanks Ellisandra that's exactly what I took it to mean. I haven't asked for any details so throwing that in my face was a really awful thing to do.
And that's why hes lying through his teeth and raging.
Don't need this shit.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 20/08/2017 18:13
Flowers Just because you decided to stay then, doesn't mean you have to now.
Gemini69 · 20/08/2017 18:15

he sounds Charming OP....

you need to think long and hard about the spending the rest of your life with a man that treats you so shabbily... Flowers

do you see you both growing old together .. caring for one another ?

Thefullmoon · 20/08/2017 19:22

He quite clearly only cares about himself. I said look we both know what you meant so leave it. I'm not arguing with the gaslighting twat.
He tried with: what is it that has changed your understanding? Like he doesn't know.
will ignore and get on with my life. Have already seen solicitor so am ready to go.
At one point he was getting v aggressive because I wouldn't accept his version and threw something at me.
He will do anything rather than just say sorry and resolve it and move on. Abusive as well. What a prince.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 20/08/2017 20:00

There is too much damage here. He sounds awful, its time to move on

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