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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I get it now why we are not getting on, its quite unsettling

14 replies

Creativeandpetite2016 · 20/08/2017 13:51

I have been with my partner now over 2 years and well things were good at the start, we bought a place together and he and I are quite, shall we say introvert and just spend time together, pretty much all the time. Out of the two of us, I am more out there in terms of meeting people and friends too.

We have no children just a lovely pup 7 months old. I was quite ill with stress from moving house last year and then ended up having a few other things since March which resulted in me losing weight of around a stone which meant I was only 7 stone, tiny I know and I looked ill.

I was getting more and more stressed and wired was my word and just worked at home all day, lonely, stressed and very bored and frustrated with life, which wasnt like me. I didnt go to the gym anymore and didnt do anything other than with my partner and that was it. I was soon getting more and more down and isolated and stressed about the house too, we are now putting it on the market as both agreed its too much for us...but we made a profit on it so thats good. (it was for investment reasons only...)

Cut a long story short, for the last few days and weeks, I have rejoined my gym again, gone swimming, done some classes, rejoined my netball league and seeing my family and friends again as well as taking out the pup on my own. I hate to say this, I feel very happy like something has been lifted. Since coming home from these activities I feel depressed and low around my partner. He is quite intense and serious and doesnt have any friends or goes out with anyone and is very shy and use to do anything and everything for me, as it was like he liked to be needed. I almost feel I want the old me back and my old life too which is feeling good, for the first time in 4 months I don't feel down or stressed anymore. I am craving other people and other things if that makes sense.

He thinks its hormonal and since coming off the pill I have changed, but i am not like this with anyone else and he says this is a first I am happy in months which he never believes I am, but in all honesty thats true i have been down in the last 5 months and just tried to make him happy by being with him and just living....or just doing...

I plan our weekends, I also organise what to do or see my friends and he comes along. I plan our date nights and also organise or suggest our holidays too. I am actually getting bored of planning and started to just do my own thing, call me selfish but I cant believe I feel this good now.

I refused to be unwell a few weeks back and noticed I was getting more and more unwell as the months progressed and very depressed too, a lot of it is related to our house as I truly hate it here....

.... its a case of me being on my own thats made me happier, was it my partner who prefers me to be alone with nobody as he doesnt go out. He goes on his computer to play games on his days off, or watches films, or out on his bike alone but only if i am doing something he wont ever do this on his own unless i am not around. The other times its the chores around the house. I just wish he would start a hobby and go out more or see fiends or do something exciting in his life....anything!! I guess i want to feel that passion and excitement around him again and its hard to when someone doesnt have that oomph!

At work he works a good 12 hour day in London from 8am - 5pm travelling too and home at 7pm, he has done this for 25 years, but never seems to progress in his job i.e. promotions even though he has been there years. He gets promised something but doesnt get it. He works hard and has a good reputation there too.

He can buy anything he wants when with me, whereas his ex was all about his money is hers. He has a lovely car, dresses well now and is also feeling like he has no ties so his life is good. Now that I am wanting my life back Im finding it hard to know what to say to him or how to talk to him, all we are doing is arguing and grinding the other down....

Anyone else had this, he just says Im boring and depressing too, but I feel like something in me has got my old self back now....

I'm wondering if when we sell our house it may be best to go our own ways or live separately until things quieten down...just not sure as feel a tad weird since this change.....

thank you everyone xx

OP posts:
Twitchingdog · 20/08/2017 14:25

Yes sell up and move on .

Joinourclub · 20/08/2017 14:36

Your relationship has run its course. Time to leave.

Ellisandra · 20/08/2017 14:41

I'd take him slagging off the ex spending his money with a huge pinch of salt.

Then accept it's run its course and move on.

Loopytiles · 20/08/2017 14:43

Agree with PPs.

Buying a property so soon into a new relationship was a bad idea, it's good that you're selling it.

You mention coming off the pill: hope you're using alternative contraception.

Is he much older than you?

Loopytiles · 20/08/2017 14:45

Apart from his finances his life doesn't sound good at all: long working hours and commute with little prospect of progression; no friends or time with family; or interests other than you.

Emmageddon · 20/08/2017 15:10

I think you know that your relationship is over. Your passion for life has been reignited, yet he says you're boring and depressing. Once the house is sold, take your share of the profit, and find yourself somewhere else to live. Leave him to his computer games, solitary bike rides and unexciting career - he's probably perfectly happy with the way his life is, to be fair.

mintich · 20/08/2017 15:21

I do wonder if it does have to do with coming off the pill too. I say that because my friend came off the pill and felt exactly the same about her partner! She's now remarried.

HeebieJeebies456 · 20/08/2017 16:04

look up 'mental load' and 'wifework'......that will show you why you're mentally and emotionally exhausted.
It's like you're his gf, mother and carer rolled into one......

why did you stop doing the things you normally did?
For a healthy, balanced relationship you need to have your 'own' life - as well as the one you have together.
it sounds like you act on impulse & willingly became unhealthily co-dependent

to be honest, he sounds boring and has no enthusiasm for life....what attracts you to him?

JK1773 · 20/08/2017 16:59

I was in this situation for 6 years. He went away with work. Being away from him I felt relaxed, myself and free. I left him, it was difficult but now I'm myself all the time. I've got a new DP who is relaxed, kind, funny and likes his own space too. My home is my own, I see my friends whenever I want, I've learnt to cook better, lost 3 stone. I could go on. Honestly I've never been happier. Follow your heart and don't stay when you know deep down you're unhappy

Creativeandpetite2016 · 20/08/2017 17:40

Hi, yes he is 12 years older than me, I am in my late thirties!

OP posts:
Creativeandpetite2016 · 20/08/2017 17:42

Emmageddon I think he is perfectly happy that is true, as when he comes home from work he is mentally exhausted from work and travel that at home he is just quiet, doesn't engage in anything exciting and doesnt suggest anything really, its like I am dead at home and so is he, so I want to do things which are exciting outside of our relationship now, more so meeting people and it just feels nice, hope I don't sound the awful partner here?

OP posts:
Creativeandpetite2016 · 20/08/2017 17:43

mintich, really? that is worrying, someone else said the same about the pill too, its like I am feeling other men more attractive, is that bad, was she the same? when I first met him i was very isolated a little down as one member of my family wasnt well and I needed almost nurturing at times, now its more a case of I want my independence back and don't need to lean on anyone, I would like some laughter, he never makes me laugh and thats something I am missing for sure here.

OP posts:
Creativeandpetite2016 · 20/08/2017 17:44

Thank you everyone, this does make me think its not always me who is in the wrong here, hope it isn't!

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 22/08/2017 19:35

You want laughter . Go find someone to make you laugh !

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