I cant move on

[Vodkalovesme]

5 months ago the man i thought was the love of my life left. We was together 2 and a half years no children together. We lived together for 18 months and was a big part of my sons life.
I should of seen the red flags from the start.. he would slag his exw body off constantly (who gave him 2 daughters) off, he called me fat in a arguement and said he was embaressed of me.
He left me and said he didnt want me or the family life, couldnt cope with the arguements and wanted to focus on his career.
Within 2 weeks of leaving he told me he met someone else. I begged him (shamefully) to come back and be agreed to give it another go. We carried on argueing and eventually 1 month after he left he was in a relationship with someone else. Who has a dd similar age to my ds.
I was devestated. He continued to abuse me, called me fat and disgusting and so glad he traded me if for a gorgeous size 8 girl. She gives him better sex than i ever could. He came into my house one day and accused me of seeing someone else, my ds was with me and he wouldnt let us out the house and took my phone off me. We eventually escaped. I dount his new gf has no clue about what he was doing. He made me life hell for 2 months after the split. One night he came round and told me he couldnt be without me and tried to kiss me and that he would leave his gf. The next day he changed his mind. I know i let all this go on for too long but i was so so hurt and i loved him so much. He was harress me, drive past my house, prank call me on witheld number and message me accusing me of ringing off witheld numbers (i wasnt) and i ignored his advances of trying to get me to react. 3 months ago i changed my number because of it.. this was a huge step for me. I havent heard anything from him since. He is still with his gf.. playing happy families. I find the whole thing so confusing and im still really down about all the names he called me. Im still single, been on dates but theyve made me feel worse. Im loosing weight and started the gym, going out with friends and laughing again. I still feel so so empty, lonely and worthless. Who else is going to want me? Im mid 20s and work.
I find it all so unfair he has moved on to be happy. I want to know why he did all them things to me but i know i wont get answers. I want to scream from the rooftops how evil he is. Did i make him like that? Was he always like that? I also believe he was a alcohlic.. he drank constantly. He is arragont and thinks hes gods gift to women. High paid job. Its just unfair.
I dont know why im writing this. Maybe to get another perspective as to why he did what he did or to get advice on my next steps.

He messed with your mind horribly, the push and pull of it all and the mixed signals constantly and putting you down so your grateful because they want you to believe you don't deserve them.

It's a control tactic used by especially hideous people.

Don't date anyone for a while concentrate on doing nice things FOR YOU and your little DS obviously. People like your ex subsume you in to being part of them so you can't imagine being without them.

He has deliberately made you feel worthless, he was probably extra charming when you first met, he will do the same to others.

Thats exactly how i feel, like i felt honered he would want to be with me and now without him im nothing.
Which sounds so stupid after me reeling off everything he did/said to me.

He knocked your self esteem so much that a part of you doubts you will find anyone. That kind of thinking will make you pine for the security of him. I think you need to see a counsellor and work on your self esteem. He is a horrible man and not the sort of person a happy, confident woman would pine for. You deserve to be loved and respected x

I have considered counselling but i dont know how to go about it? Your right, my self esteem is very low. I thought being NC would help me.

Lots of relationships can be bad and people mourn the loss and feel really incredibly sad but he has literally destroyed you.

I agree with Bluebell that counselling is a good idea. I actually think you should contact women's aid, it's a free phone number. I was involved not with a DV charity but with another that saw quite a few referrals from women who suffered at the hands of men like these.

I know you haven't mentioned physical violence but honestly they will support a woman in your circumstances.

You don't sound stupid at all and please don't think that of yourself. He will have tested your boundaries and pushed you further and further because he could. Men like him are predatory and look for the giving and loving.

Do you think this was abusive? I mean during the relationship itself there was a few res flags as mentioned in op. But i didnt think he was anything as bad as what he turned out. Thats why it makes me wonder if it was me who made him like it

Vodka, when we meet someone they are always on their best behaviour. If they weren't, we wouldn't be with them.

He was verbally abusive at the very least. How dare he make you feel bad about yourself.

You need to find a counsellor that can help you see you were likely in an emotionally abusive relationship (Google it, there is loads online about it).

Your self esteem needs to be your priority so you don't accept similar treatment in relationships in the future.

You deserve far better than what this loser offered. Raise the bar for yourself and don't look back. There is not happiness in a future with someone like him.

Are you on the UK? Google BACP to find an accredited counsellor in your area. You will be fine once you have done the necessary work on yourself xx

Thank you, i will do that. I cried today for the first time in a while to my mum. I feel better for it. I honestly would never ever put up with anything like this again. Looking back i should of ran when he first called me fat. When i met him i was in a very vunerable, low place. I keep asking myself why.. why didnt i tell him to bugger off ages ago, why did i let it go on for so long. Worst thing is i dont even know if id of ended things, it was only because he ended the relationship. I never thought in a million years id be in the position im in now.
I was at rock bottom, but im slowly climbing up. I thought id of bounced back by now

Crying can be such an incredible release :) I'm really glad you spoke with your mum
You need support now. Sometimes we really have to hit rock bottom (and sometimes several rock bottoms) for something to change. I guarantee you, when your self esteem improves, you will feel like a different person. We live and learn and if his treatment is what ultimately got you into therapy and turning your life around, it's not all bad.

Onwards and upwards (with a good cry every now and then if needed). Here's to your next chapter

Thank you. I feel it is exactly what i needed. I havent spoken to my mum about it for a couple of months and i think everyone thought i was coping because i put on a front.
I just feel like i have so many unanswered questions i know i will never get answers and even if i did get answers it wouldnt make me or sitiuation any different.
How do you forgive someone when you never recieved a appology.
Because i hate him.. but i dont want to hate him.. i want to feel nothing

What type of questions? What do you need to know other than he has no respect for you and didn't deserve you. Could you even trust him to answer you honestly?

Believing you need answers from him is keeping you trapped and not moving forward.

Your right, it is.
I know he wouldnt answer me and i wouldnt even put myself in that position for him to say more hurtful/offensive and cruel things to me.
I dont know, maybe some sort of closure

Give yourself closure. You don't need anything more from him. Just decide it ends now and start work on building up your self-esteem. You will feel much better when you are back in control of your own life :)

Op you should be able to access counselling via your gp. It sounds as though you would benefit with exploring what happens to you in a safe and holding environment.

It wasn't your fault, he is an abusive, manipulative cuntbadger.

You are asking the wrong question, it isn't 'why did he behave so appallingly?' but rather, 'why the hell did I let him treat me so appallingly, over and over again'?

You won't be the first or last woman for whom being in a relationship is the prize and will take all kinds of crap to keep a hold of that prize. His behaviour says a lot about him and your behaviour says a lot about you.

The good news is, you have the answers in you but you may need support to help find them.

I've had a recent experience of this. The push/pull thing will have increased any anxiety x1000 so what you are feeling is normal. You will still be adjusting back away from the traumatic feelings of it all. Those push/pull relationships retrigger any old abandonment wounds and it feels like you're going to die. This leaves you vulnerable to the cruelty and believing it because you cant make sense of his behaviour so the only 'logical' thing left is to blame yourself. This is bullshit and you are no more able to control his behaviour than you are mine. This particular type of man needs to dump all his feelings of worthlessness onto someone more vulnerable because he cannot bear them himself.

You do need to firstly make sure you feel safe at home etc so your body has a chance to relax somewhere. Then find a therapist. Seriously you need support to make sense of this shit and to find yourself again. These relationships are very destructive because they attack the core of us.

NC works in one way to protect you however now he's no longer an immediate threat you are probably trying to digest and make sense of what happened to you. This is normal but ultimately risky as while you are vulnerable you are likely to end up blaming yourself as his behaviour will literally not make sense.

You will also be left with terrible feelings of rejection and failure (that's the old abandonment wound). You may feel stuck in your body like you can't breathe or relax much - these are trauma symptoms.

Please try and find some support. Look up a therapist in your area on the BACP website.

Thank you, i will definatly look into therapy.
What you have said has really made sense to me.
Ive been feeling a bit more positive these last few days after getting these feelings off my chest.
I should of never gone on any dates until i have sorted myself out because i dont ever want to be seen as vunerable to an abusive man again. I panicked and thought if i jump into another relationship i wont have to deal with the pain and my own insecurites but i can see now that this isnt the right way to go about things. I do feel lonely at timea but i know deep down i do have a fairly good life, friends, family, social life ect and im still only mid 20s.
I used to feel jelous of his new gf, then i felt sorry for her because she is in a simialiar positiin to me when me and exp first met (single mum to young child) but now i just hope he treats her better than he did me because i wouldnt want to wish that on anyone.

I'm wondering how your doing op.

Hi well im not doing too bad actually. I started a diet the other day and hoping to loose 2 stone, also continuing with the gym.
I feel.. ok i guess. Sometimes an ovewhelming sadness comes over me, but i managing ways to perk myself up.
Ive been working all day today, house to myself all weekend until monday night. Im working all day monday as well.
I felt sad walking into my home earlier and it being empty. I dont think thats because i miss him in particular. I soon brought myself round by thinking if he was here id be coming home after a long day to an arrogant drunken mess soo.. probably is for the best im coming home to an empty house

Thanks for updating, keep yourself busy op. Meet friends, rediscover something you love, watch films you know male you laugh. My relationship went through a bad patch, no abuse but I rediscovered my old love of costume making.

What a horrible man he is. Be glad he's gone and is out of your life.

Regarding the counselling, it can be expensive, but there are cheaper options. Google low cost counselling services I'm your area.

You and you don't deserve better and you're still young. Don't let him erode your self-esteem. He's the one with a problem.