Trying to make sense of my relationship with DH

[revolution909]

This such a long story but here it goes. My DH and I have for the most part à happy marriage. He has several stress /anxiety /self esteem issues whereas I have some anger related issues (PMDD ha seen diagnosed so that is for the lost part under control) and the start of our relationship I was controlling (or I think I was).

I have no support network which makes everything everything more difficult.

Back to DH, when things are fine, things are great! But when not he's very moody and sometimes his stress takes over and he basically hides in our bed. He's not violent, if anybody is violent is me (I've hit him when having one of my rage episodes maybe twice). The point is that living with me hasn't been easy either, I only started improving about a year maybe two ago. We've been together for almost 9.

My main issue apart from his moodiness is our sex life. My drive for many years was close to zero and frankly never really enjoyed sex (I'm starting to now) but it s still not something I would prioritize. He has a very high sex drive and makes a big deal if he wants it and I don't. It's mostly verbally, but it's really exhausting. I do however like/want to have sex, but let's say that sometimes I only have sex so he shuts up. He's really never forced himself but definitely doesn't get queues...

He does have a history of groping me without my consent (he's always said he does it unconsciously) I remember once he did it at a Sainsburys! Anyways, he's massively improved and at least he's stopped with that.

He's didn't use to be that jealous, well not until this year when a) I've totally reinvented myself and b) he saw a text that I sent to friend saying I had a crush on colleague of his. He accepted a crush is a crush and tried to move on, which we have for the most part, but every now and then it comes back.

In a nutshell, I don't know what to do next. Yeah I sometimes feel mistreated, but I'm sure he does as well. Maybe go to Relate and get some counseling? Things HAVE improved over the years, so I reckon things can be solved. He denies we have a problem and in the past has said he feels like couples therapy is the last step before divorce :/

It sounds like you've both had a lot of issues to deal with over the years and I wonder if you're beginning to lose track of what is your responsibility and what is his.
It's certainly not acceptable to be pressurised into sex, be helped or have sex to stop him moaning.
Would it be possible for you to spend some time apart to clear your head, work out what your boundaries are and see if you can work towards a more satisfying relationship? Although you say things have improved, it still doesn't look brilliant from what you've said here

Helped = groped

The irony of you hating him groping you yet you hit him.

I'm making no excuses... But my condition makes you lose most control when having an episode. Sometimes the only thing that helps is to be sedated. We're both aware of my condition and since I got officially diagnosed we've tried to leave all of that in the past.

All rather co dependent. It sounds like you are bad for each other but guessing you are not looking to ltb so counselling would be best option.

You say when he's moody he stays in bed, could it be depression. Has he seen a GP?

're his jealousy, I an see how it was triggered as I would not like my partner telling someone else they had a crush.How explicit was the text to your friend?
When you say you have reinvented yourself what does that mean?

His anxiety gives him depression, but he refuses to see a professional. For the first time he has accepted he has proper issues, but he always only wants help in his own terms. He has everything to be happy about, but he's still miserable.

I can't remember exactly what it said... But it definitely said I had a crush on X and that I would like him to find me attractive.

In the past 9 months I've lost 4st... Before I would not really look after myself (although whenever I felt like it I enjoyed dressing up). Now that I have a completely different body and even my face has changed, I always wear make up, all my clothes tend to be sexier than not, wear contacts, etc...

I've also become a runner which has given me some sanity I definitely lacked.