Subjected to some unkind behaviour

[HolaWeenie]

And I'm struggling to not let it bother me.

Fairly long back story because as neutrals you might be able to pull out reasons where I'm failing.

A very close cousin of mine moved to my area, no friends, so I introduced her to my (and DHs) circle of friends, she has now been with DHs best friend for almost 8years. DHs best friend has a sister who we are friends with. Last year cousin had an affair, I spoke to cousin and explained my need to stay neutral as her partner stayed with us whilst they worked through it. She agreed and said she wasn't even worthy of that message from me and was happy her partner had us he could turn to. It was a horrible situation. They are back together, things haven't got back to normal with us I feel, outside of family parties we haven't got together, we normally would do.

The sister is quite a character, she's opinionated, feisty, funny, quite self centered and loves a gossip. During the break up, she did not remain neutral, behind her brothers back she continued to speak with my cousin to get the sordid details, despite him asking her not to interfere, she tried to pump me for info, I wouldn't have shared info, and DH and friend kept most details to themselves and rightly so, it's personal.

So fast forward a year and cousin and sisters relationship is stronger than ever, whilst cousin and I are left awkwardly trying to rebuild.

I arranged a get together for cousin and I inc partners and my two sons. They offered to have us for a BBQ. 11pm the night before BBQ. The Sister texts to say see you tomorrow. I had no idea and was floored. I arranged the meet to try and get us back on track and having fun times like before. So I text cousin and asked who else was coming, that I thought it was just us, but sister has mentioned something? I had radio silence for an hour before a text back saying "oh sorry didn't I mention, sister and family are coming".

I get she might want sister as a security blanket, I guess she might just have got carried away and thought the more the merrier. So despite being cheesed off I thought just make the best off it, we got a cab so could have a few drinks and was hoping for the best day. Sister turns up after us with a bag of ingredients for cocktails, they isolate themselves in kitchen cackling away making cocktails and then scoffing them whilst posting selfies on FB (I've deleted FB and insta) but they were on their phones laughing at all the comments, I tried to join in, was given a mix of their dregs of a cocktail they didn't like and told to drink it while they made something else, more selfies ensued, I was standing next to them at the breakfast bar whilst they took them, I ended up offering to take the damn photo as they were taking about 20! Convos stopped as I entered the rooms, when one of them left the room the other would pick up their phone and wouldn't engage with me. Eventually DH and I thanked them and left.

I'm upset about it because I don't feel it's deserved. I'm 35 and I felt like I was back at school.

Any advice on how to forget it and move on. Our paths will always cross because of the circle of friends we are in.

You did the right thing not getting involved.

I would tell DH's friend about their behaviour and explain you will be backing off because of it. Or ask DH to tell his friend.

Then leave the bitches to their Mean Girls shit. Don't engage. Defriend, block and avoid.

How very childish of them. So sad how affairs put a rift between people.

She obviously values her closeness with her SIL above others. Or perhaps they're just as childish as each other and revel in their own company.

I hope her DH is okay.

Thank you, I think I'll leave the boys out of it. My DH is aware and livid, they managed to do it in a subtle passive way, the boys and kids were in the garden, what with it being a BBQ, so it will come down my word vs theirs, I shan't burden DHs best friend with more than he's already dealing with!

I felt a lot better for writing out my op, and of course you're right, block/minimise contact and move on.

I would meet up with her or do it over the phone and say to her how you felt at the BBQ. I can't see that you have anything to lose by doing it and she can't pretend she wasn't doing it by you being upfront with her about it.
If she doesn't respond in a positive way then move on but it sounds like at the moment unless you addressed it you wouldn't want to spend time with her anyway.
It's a horrible way to treat you and inexcusable but people act oddly/badly sometimes when they feel awkward or nervous (or guilty)

I'm fairly useless at confrontation, cousin is due at an annual BBQ at ours over the bank holiday weekend, as is her sister in law, but sister in law is usually a no show. There will be lots of people here so it will be easy to be civil.