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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dad's an alcoholic

21 replies

GiveMeStrength0 · 20/08/2017 01:02

High functioning I guess. It's got a lot worse, now I can see the way his mind is working, I can see how much deception and lying is going on and has been going on all along. I can see how selfish it all is.
I'm sure he thinks it's well hidden, I'm pretty sure everyone knows, but no one says anything.
It's... I don't know what the word is. Sad? It's something more than sad. To think back on memories and wonder, was he drunk? Was he looking for his next drink? The anger and aggression, is that all just the alcoholic? How would things have been if he wasn't like this??

And what can we do? What will happen? Illness? Death? Or is he as invincible as he thinks, and led us all to believe?

OP posts:

Babymamamama · 20/08/2017 01:11

Bumping for you. So sorry for you all. Hopefully some others will come along who are more qualified than me to advise. Can you seek support via the gp I wonder. Is he ready to accept any help? If not then it may be fruitless at this point.

ferando81 · 20/08/2017 01:19

Alcoholics can carry on for years.My sister is a functioning alcholic and has no idea how devastating it is for her family.
The worst part is she tries so hard to protect her daughter from the evil in this world but can't see that the biggest source of pain her daughter is evergoing to experience is watching her mother slowly kill herself.

BlessedBeTheFruit · 20/08/2017 01:32

Mine is too. Doesn't hide it but also doesn't realise that it's a problem. Makes you re-evaluate your whole life, as you say. Like why did he have to be drunk to spend time with his family?

Original poster

GiveMeStrength0 · 20/08/2017 01:38

Blessed Have you/family spoken to him about it?
Mine becomes so aggressive when questionned or criticised that he hasn't been for years. No longer kids, it's not scary anymore, just pathetic, but still little point in bringing it up.
Sounds awful I know, he's just over 70 and I think everyone is resigned that he will be this way until he dies from whatever horrific disease gets him, still joking about loving a drink and never seeing the problem.

OP posts:

Original poster

GiveMeStrength0 · 20/08/2017 09:59

Not sure if I posted this in the wrong place..

OP posts:

Offred · 20/08/2017 10:06

Here is the perfect place to post I think. It's where Attila is! Attila's advice is what you need.

Firstly, you can't do anything about his alcoholism in terms of actually sobering him up. He needs to acknowledge his problem and want to stop drinking.

He may get ill, it may kill him, he may be lucky and be ok, you don't have control over it.

What you can do is accept that he is an alcoholic and make sense of your relationship with him in that knowledge.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2017 10:28

Oh offred, you are too kind honestly .

GivemeStrength, Offred is absolutely correct in what she writes here and I personally found reading Al-anon's literature helpful. If you can go to one of their meetings do so; you will find other people just like you who are affected by another person's drinking. A lot of people tiptoe around the alcoholic and hard as it is to read you may find the "3 act play that is alcoholism" helpful (as it was to me).

I have some personal knowledge unfortunately because my dad's relationship with alcohol had become more unhealthy over many years and it crept up on him to eventually give him health problems. He is classed as elderly now and it was he alone who decided to give up alcohol completely (none of what my mother for instance said and did made a jot of difference) as a result of said health issues.

GivemeStrength, Offred is absolutely correct in what she writes here and I personally found reading Al-anon's website and literature helpful. If you can go to one of their meetings do so; you will find other people just like you who are affected by another person's drinking.

The 3cs re alcoholism are:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You cannot help your dad (he really does not want your help and support) but you can certainly help your own self here and Al-anon is a good place to start.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2017 10:29

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

lightcola · 20/08/2017 10:45

My dad is an alcoholic too and has been for at least 17 years (it was when I was around 15 that I realised he had a problem, he could have been dependant before that though). It consumed my late teens and most of my 20s with worry and anxiety as I had no mum around therefore felt responsible for him. I have now learnt now I have my own family that i can't change him and can now longer waste my life doing so. I agree with contacting al-anon, and to make steps to putting your life first. Alcoholism is a horrible disease and so tough for everyone around them but you need to look after yourself.

Original poster

GiveMeStrength0 · 20/08/2017 12:21

thanks

OP posts:

stupidcoldfeet · 20/08/2017 13:03

My Dad started drinking about 30 years ago. I guess he was high functioning once but it grew steadily worse. Lost his driving license, several medical emergencies including fits and stomach haemorrhages. Grim.

I find it impossible to work out where my Dad ends and the alcohol begins. I have a feeling that it's everything now. I understand your questions but I no longer try to work it out. I think it's impossible.

I haven't heard from or seen him in a few years now. I have no way to contact him. It took his disappearance to accept I couldn't control or cure him. It's desperately sad but I accept that he will be gone one day and I might never see him again.

I paint a sad picture and it might not be like that with your Dad OP. It's fantastic that Atilla's father gave up alcohol. People can and do recover. But like Atilla says, I think that is something they can only do for themselves. You must look after yourself first and foremost.

I learnt a very tough lesson that took many years.
I no longer agonise over how he is. I no longer have that terrible feeling in my stomach of wondering where the vodka is hidden as he has clearly managed to get drunk whist playing with my children. No more calling him wondering if I'd caught him early enough for a sober chat or if he'd start picking a random argument.

I don't know how your father's drinking impacts your life but I am sure you have similar trials?

It might sound awful but as sad as I am, i do not miss any of that.

Other posters are right about looking after yourself. I'm not suggesting losing contact but rather perhaps reading some of the links - and protecting yourself emotionally.

TheLionQueen1 · 20/08/2017 13:23

Sorry to read this OP, this could have been me that wrote this.

Unfortunately I am NC with my dad now for the past 4 years. He finally admitted it when he hit rock bottom and lost his business and house but now he is back on his feet and he is now drinking again as he thinks he can manage it!

All you can do is support if he will accept it but until he is ready to admit a problem, sadly there is nothing else you can do

TheLionQueen1 · 20/08/2017 13:24

Just read stupids post fully and very similar to my situation sadly, hope it goes better for you OP

TDHManchester · 20/08/2017 18:03

I know a drunk . Lets call him/her X. X is in complete denial. Hides drink around the house, maybe also in car. Cant be taken out socially as ends up getting too drunk and causing embarrassing scenes. Dare to question the drinking? oh you are boring,everyone does it. Might even suggest you have had a drink problem in the past and thats why you are so "anti" alcohol. You cant tell them anything, They know it all. Keep well clear of a drunk. They will ruin your life.They are no different than a heroin addict,they can;t help themselves.

Original poster

GiveMeStrength0 · 20/08/2017 23:26

I have no idea where to start now I've let myself see the extent of it. It feels like everything is a lie.

OP posts:

Original poster

GiveMeStrength0 · 21/08/2017 14:25

Is it horrible to say I wish it was all over, so I could try and choose the good bits to remember about him? Or the bits that seemed good at the time..

OP posts:

stupidcoldfeet · 21/08/2017 22:16

GiveMeStrength are there any family members who have shared your experiences to talk to? I think having siblings to talk to years ago helped me. We were even able to find black humour in the worst times.

Original poster

GiveMeStrength0 · 21/08/2017 23:16

Somehow it feels much harder to speak to my siblings about it.
It feels easier to talk to strangers on the internet for now, if it's alright.

OP posts:

BossyBitch · 21/08/2017 23:24

Mine, too! He's also mentally ill. I'm usually NC but always, always stupid enough to pick up the phone that one time in two years when he calls in the middle of the night. Then he finds the one thing in the world that he could say at that exact moment that will shatter my world.

I wish I could tell you that there's something you can do, but really you can't.

Keep on telling yourself that it's not your fault nor your responsibility and that you're no less worthy or lovable because of him. Repeat until ut sounds plausible. Repeat a few million more times until you genuinely believe this (still working on this part here).

I'm sorry, it sucks!

stupidcoldfeet · 22/08/2017 07:19

Sorry I didn't mean to suggest you shouldn't post here. Of course not. I was just thinking of what helped me as it sounds like you are in a lonely place with your thoughts. I understand it's easier to talk to strangers.

Offred · 22/08/2017 09:17

I have no idea where to start now I've let myself see the extent of it. It feels like everything is a lie.

Everything is not a lie, it's just that now you see he is an alcoholic there is extra information to add to your experiences.

My parents are abusive not alcoholic but when I realised that it wasn't that they didn't love me but that they can't love me in the way that I need them to because they are dysfunctional people (and so I should expect them to be dysfunctional) it gave me peace and helped me make sense of my childhood and feel ok about myself.

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