Earlier in the week I finally ended a situation that was very bad for me - I had a close friendship with a man which was really confusing me as it was very emotionally intense but not going anywhere and it was always on his terms. I finally explained my feelings and told him that I didn't want to be friends anymore via email, and email which - as soon as I sent it - I felt really liberated and empowered by. He didn't reply apart from to acknowledge receipt. I didn't mind at the time as felt free.
Unfortunately I then saw him at a mutual friends' event (terrible timing) and we ended up talking about it and since that conversation have felt absolutely rotten as it appears he knew about my feelings the whole time, "saw this coming" and claims to have put up enough boundaries so it is basically all my fault, and told me he didn't reply to my email because he was busy watching YouTube videos the night he got it. Then he told me all about the girl he is dating and how attractive she is. In spite of all that we ended up leaving the conversation with agreement that once I have worked through my feelings maybe we can be friends again. I was nice to him the whole time like a sap as usual
I now really really want the last word as am upset and angry and hate the idea of him thinking I still fancy him (I don't after what feels like seeing his true self and am even more hurt now than I was before, when I just felt empowered) and feel shit. But I KNOW contact is a bad idea and will not end well and is undignified and really need to stick to my NC.
Does anyone have any advice about how to get through this? Anyone else struggling with NC and want to support each other? I need to be reminded contact is a bad idea ...