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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know this would be a bad idea but

14 replies

BitterYoungWoman · 19/08/2017 20:36

I really want to do it anyway. My marriage has recently fallen apart and I'm single for the first time ever. I've spent the summer holidays back in my hometown staying at DM's and come back home to be told by dh that he's leaving me. He's quitting his job too and it will be a few months before he's going to let me know what support he can give me and dc's (if any).

I can't afford mortgage so I'm back off to my DM's and trying to enrol ds in school to start in September.

While I was at my DM's I spent time sorting out my dads boat which has fallen into disrepair since he died 5 years ago. I had a couple of people working on it including a lovely carpenter man. Lovely carpenter man clearly fancied me, added me on FB and tbh I quite enjoyed being flirted with after feeling crap about myself for ages.

After being told dh is leaving I stupidly phoned lovely carpenter up in tears and he was very kind. I don't know why I called him really, I just did. He said he's going out for dinner with his sister and her dh next weekend and maybe I could join them. I said I'd see how I feel.

After he asked me out I decided to FB stalk him. It turns out his sister is married to an exboyfriend of mine. An exboyfriend who raped me throughout my teenage years and also drugged me and encouraged his friends to rape me several times. Last time I saw him I told him if I ever bumped into him again I would show all his emails and letters to the police. Emails saying how sorry he is, detailing loads of stuff he'd done to me and another girl. I still have these emails.

I want to go to dinner with them just to see the look on his face. I feel like I've spent my entire life being shit on and for once I want to feel like I have the upper hand in something.

It won't make me feel any better will it? It's unfair on lovely carpenter man too. I'm just so fucking angry and everyone at the moment.

OP posts:
SomeonesRealName · 19/08/2017 20:42

oh Bitter that's a terrible story and I'm so glad you can see that having anything to do with that guy again would be a really bad idea. It kind of knocks it on the head for carpenter guy, I know - but it's very early days to be dating after something so horrific has happened to you like your marriage ending. Do you have anyone to talk to in RL for support other than DM? X

category12 · 19/08/2017 20:43

It probably wouldn't go the way you think. You could end up feeling even worse.

You might consider telling the police if you have this evidence.

Have you ever had any support with this? I'm so sorry you've experienced this. Flowers

Original poster
BitterYoungWoman · 19/08/2017 20:47

Never told anyone about ex boyfriend. He's a pillar of the community type, his parents are mega rich and I'm pretty sure even if I went to the police with this evidence they would be able to afford lawyers that would make it look like my fault. I can't talk to dm as ex boyfriends mum is my DM's therapist!

Carpenter bloke is lovely but I don't really fancy him and certainly don't want a relationship. I'd only go out with him if I knew I think would be seeing exboyfriend.

OP posts:
schoolgaterebel · 19/08/2017 20:58

I think this is a really bad idea. It will not go well.

You need to steer clear from your abusive ex. and don't seek out added drama at a time when you are vulnerable. Also, don't string carpenter along be star you need an ego boost.

Concentrate on yourself and your DC, getting through this difficult through this difficult time, be kind to yourself.

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 19/08/2017 20:58

I would steer well clear. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and I don't think any further contact with this man, especially when you are vulnerable, would be healthy. It sounds like you have some evidence if you ever did decide to go to the police. I think you need to tell carpenter guy you are not ready to date anyone and take some time for yourself to recover from the end of your marriage. Flowers

schoolgaterebel · 19/08/2017 20:59

*because

category12 · 19/08/2017 21:14

Perhaps you could get some help from rape crisis or similar organisation, get some counselling, to address these rapes in your past. Not something you need to carry alone.

Think about it and enjoy being single for a while. It's good to get room from being in relationships all the time.

Desmondo2016 · 19/08/2017 21:36

Everyone seems a bit too interlinked. I think you need to focus on broadening your circles and moving away from this slightly smelly everyone is linked to everyone else environment.

Original poster
BitterYoungWoman · 19/08/2017 21:45

That's what the plan was when I married dh and moved 300 miles away desmond. But he's now fucked off and I have nowhere else to go except back to my DM's.

I've spent my life trying to make other people happy. That has failed miserably so I want to make someone feel like crap. Just once.

I'm so miserable and so angry at everyone. I've managed to not think about him for the last decade. Then he crops up back in my life just when I need to be awful to someone.

OP posts:
SweetLuck · 20/08/2017 00:57

I want to make someone feel like crap. Just once

I think the people who will feel crap here are firsty, you. And secondly carpenter guy. Imagine thinking you were going on a date with someone and then it turns out to be an elaborate ruse to make their ex feel bad. He'll be mortified.

If you are a people pleaser you are not going to turn into a successful stone cold bitch overnight.

PickAChew · 20/08/2017 01:02

It won't make you feel better, particularly when you're already hurting. It could be a pretty dangerous move.bstay well away.

Jellyheadbang · 20/08/2017 04:54

Poor you. What a horrific experience for you. I cannot begin to comprehend what you went through or how you must be feeling now to have it all brought up again during what is already a shitty time for you.
I'd strongly suggest getting some support, possibly via gp for trauma if you haven't already?
Also...if you still have that evidence you could report him if you felt able to, not for revenge just because he should pay for what he's done and so should his accomplices. It might also help you with 'processing' it , he has confessed via email so who cares what his parents/solicitors might do?
If you do become friends with carpenter you could tell him then nothing you do from then on looks like it's done with a motive. I feel sorry for the girl he's with now but your current responsibility is to keep yourself safe both physically and emotionally x

Imbroglio · 20/08/2017 05:15

This must be reawakening all your old traumas just when you are feeling particularly vulnerable.

Does your mum know about what happened? If so could you enlist her help in setting up somewhere away from this place?

PoorYorick · 20/08/2017 07:41

If you still have all this evidence, could you go to the police? It doesn't sound as though this shitbag will be distressed at seeing you but he would not like being made to pay for his crimes.

Your choice of course.

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