Waking up in the middle of the night in sheer panic...Everyone has someone, what am I doing wrong?

[user1499590110]

I'm 34 next week and I keep waking up in the night and packing. it's got to the point where i feel physically sick and i cry for half an hour and fall back to sleep again. the next morning im ok but thats because i'm at work and dont have much choice!

i was due to buy a house with someone when i was 28. we had saved together and i thought we would get married. just before we bought the house, he told me he wanted to take a job in australia. the whole thing crushed me but because he had moved so far away, it didnt actually take long to get over HIM specificaly, but to get used to being alone. he was my first 'serious' relationship i.e thought i would marry him, but i had a couple of other boyfriends before him.

since i ended it with man who went to australia, i met someone who i really and truly believed was the love of my life. him and my ex werent even comparable - i cant even describe how happy this man made me. after seeing him for 18 months, it turned out he was still married but his wife had been placed abroad for 12 months. it was terrible when i found out and i ended it the same day and never spoke to him again. i wont go into the details and it has only been 4 months since it happened but i still cry now and then over the whole situation - it messed me up a lot.

i've dated but i have lost my spark. my ex who moved to australia is now married, the second ex who had a wife presumably is still with her, and i just watch all my friends in their settled lives, when thats all i have ever really wanted. so many of my friends never seemed bothered about a family yet they all have them. i feel like i have had a car crash of relationships. i went on a date yesterday and it was great, but i have no desire to see him again. and so here i am again, lonely on a saturday night. in the last 2 years i've made a home, progessed at work, made new friends, but not found anyone significant.

my life is full of hobbies, my job is fulfilling and my friends are wonderful. but despite all of that, i feel like a huge piece is missing. nobody to share the cooking with, no child to rock to sleep at 3am, no similar stories to share about children with my friends, no wedding planning to do. i just watch everyone else live their lives while i go from one fuck up to another, all the while my life looks good from the outside. it isnt. it is so so lonely and no matter how much i fill my time, nothing takes away that pain. im 34, this seems like it is it for me.

*waking up in the night and panicking, not packing!

has anyone else lived through this, how do you cope?

I don't either.

I'm nearly 34 . Been single nearly 4 years and I'm convinced that's it for me .
I don't seem to meet anyone in attracted to or attracted to me And most men seem to just be looking for "fun" ... the word now makes me cringe .

You're not on your own though .

i just feel more and more lonely as time goes by. and everyone else is actually living. if i knew my life wouldnt change, i genuinely would rather just not carry on. it's all so pointless. xx

You've been through a lot. It's only been four months. Perhaps your panic could be a kind of referred pain from both the endings of your relationships? You have plenty of time to find someone but I think this isn't the real issue. Be kind to yourself and recouperate z

Sending hugs your way...
4 months is still raw and naturally you feel panicked and alone but this feeling shall pass very soon.

You need to be positive and start a new chapter of your life, get engaged in a new activities and hobbies where you can meet new people and you find your perfect match one day, trust me ! Do you have any organised social events ? Join them too .

As everyone around you are getting married you naturally feel worried that you are missing out, but you are still young and have time to find your perfect match and have family together !

Sorry you're feeling like this OP. I totally agree with PP who says you've been through a lot. 4 months isn't long at all since the end of your last relationship and I think it's totally normal to still be upset by it. Suddenly finding out he's married and ending the relationship must have come as a huge shock and of course it's going to take you some time to work through this and grieve the end of the relationship.

You're stronger than you think you are and I think you're amazing for ending the relationship as soon as you found out he's married and having never spoken to him since. That must have been really difficult, but it's a masterclass in how to handle the situation. The relationship board is full of threads where people could learn a thing or 2 from you.

I hope I'm not projecting in writing this, but I do wonder if you're depressed. Feeling everything is pointless, hopeless, down playing all your achievements and being really hard on yourself can be signs of depression. I also wonder if your sense of feeling lonely despite having friends, hobbies and a fulfilling job is a symptom of depression.

Please try and be kinder to yourself. I think you're fab and you're doing better in life than you think you are.

40 here, recently dumped and feeling the same way. I'm not sure I even want to date at this age as all the 40 something men seem so...old.

Hi User
Sounds like you're still hurting from your previous relationship
But try not to compare yourself to others. As the saying goes, comparison is the thief of joy. Those people who appear to have a happy life may be looking at you with envy...lots of hobbies, fulfilling job etc.

I suspect that being heartbroken is making you look at the rest of your life in a very negative way.

No advice but a hand hold, as I'm feeling the same way at the moment.

Sounds like absolute shit. 38 here and never been married. It's really not that important. Just enjoy your life x

You have been through a shitty time, being. Of course you are going to feel down.

You are comparing yourself to other people. Try comparing yourself to others who write on the relationships board. Tempting to think that everybody is having a great time, but the reality can be very different as you can read on here. You can feel just as lonely in a (bad) relationship.

I hope you find somebody if that is what you want, but I hope you start being nicer to yourself. A certain type of man will pick on the vulnerable, and that is what you sound like at the minute.

What you have sounds like the perfect Base for meeting someone. You just try think positive (easy said I know!).

You are not too old to start a family (my mother had me when she was 40 and that was in the 80s). There will be someone out there who you can love and they will love you.

It's only been four months since you went through such an awful thing. That man treated you horribly, it's no wonder you feel so low just now! Give yourself time to process what you lost, and think about what you want in your next partner.

Lots of hugs to you be kind to yourself xxx

So it's only 16 weeks since you discovered everything was a total sham. I think you need to give yourself a break, I can't even imagine how devastating that is.

This must be hard. I was single for a long time around the same age. I went through a time of negative thinking, ruing my fate, comparing myself to others and all it did was get me down. This is a little sad but I cast eyes on this self help book-(not usually the self help book type) and something clicked in my head. I decided that I needed to become completely happy on my own, regardless of my circumstance in life. So, I started doing stuff, learnt a language, spent time with friends, meditation to feel really calm and content inside etc etc. I was in a great place mentally and felt truly happy for the first time in ages. Then I met the other half...

As people have said, it sounds like you are still grieving the loss of your relationship and the hopes, dreams and desires that went with it. What happened was an awful shock and it would entirely natural for you to be sad, down and worried about never meeting Mr Right.

The only thing I can suggest is a drastic change to shake you up a bit and get you a bit more in the now and less in the pining for a future that may or may not emerge. I read once that happiness is like a butterfly. When you intentionally pursue the butterfly, it eludes you. But when you pursue other things instead, it comes and perches on your shoulder.

In your present frame of mind, and the negative energy you are projecting, you are not going to attract someone unless he's completely wrong for you. You cannot make everything fall into place by wishing it. The only thing you can do is go out and live life despite it not giving you what you want. Life is for living even in the shittiest times as well as the good. Western society makes this difficult, because unlike other cultures, it places no value on the character traits, talents, skills and life lessons gained whilst undergoing shit. And I will say (not trying to be dismissive, I've been there) that the vast majority of people go through at least one massive heartbreak in their lives. But that doesn't mean that your chances for meeting someone, falling in love, getting married, and having babies will be any less than they were before the heart break. The chances are the same as they always were.

I think as people have said it just been 4 months and you ought not to be projecting. Be kind to yourself. Perhaps have some therapy for a while, but treat yourself well.

I guarantee you, this period will not last indefinitely, and good will come when you're ready for it. And 34 is fine. My 40 yr old friend has just had a baby. Complete shock.

When you feel a bit stronger then maybe take on a new challenge, anything you want, to change your focus and shake you up.

Wishing you all the best

thanks for the supportive messages. ive just felt so alone recently. i suppose a few months is still pretty raw, it just seems like i wont ever meet anyone now, it's not as if i am 21.

well your still so young honestly just stay active dating wise it might take time meeting the one but if you give up altogether you definitely won't meet someone.

Hi OP sorry to hear what you've been through. You need time to heal as others have mentioned and I can only agree that you sound like you have a full life and your a nice person who has achieved a lot.

I went through an awful time a few years ago when the man I was supposedly dating turned out to be a cheating, lying, fraudster. It was not a long romance but I think it affected me so badly as I hoped he was the one and he made a lot of promises..marriage , children...the lot. There were signs he wasn't right but I leant the hard way.

A few months ago I would wake up and feel a panic that I was on my own..in bed by myself and it may always be that way. Online dating did not help my anxiety at the time. Currently I'm ok and those feelings of panic when I wake up are not there thankfully. I appreciate alot about my life especially when reading some of the relationship threads and knowing I'm not alone and having these threads for support.

I think you need time and to remember you are a lovely person with a lot to offer. You have time and I can only echo other posters..time, be kind to yourself, put out positive vibes and keep on enjoying life.

I also agree about comparing being a thief of joy...if only I learnt that years ago as well as putting myself first...sorry hijacking your thread!

Good Luck OP..sending positive vibes your way! X

I felt like this in my early 30s, I didn't have my heart broken like you, but being long term single when everyone else is settling down is its own kind of heartbreak.... it did depress me a lot and I actually gave up dating in the end.

Eventually I met someone, married, had kids etc but it may not have been, so i'm not going to do the 'it happens when you're not looking' line....it may do, it may not. Instead I'm just going to wish you the best, xxx

You have had a tough time.
My ex-husband was seeing someone for the whole of our marriage. I left him but lost every bar our kids. I met a guy and we got engaged as it was a LDR but he ended it, well just vanished really. I then dated a guy who got back with his ex-wife! I'm only telling you this just so you realise it's not just you that has a poor relationship history.

It's not been that long since your last relationship ended and you are still young. Fake it til you make it. Continue making a life for yourself and then if someone comes along, they will add to your already existing wonderfulness, and if someone doesn't then you'll have a fulfilled life.
Good luck OP