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Original poster

Do your ex's just pay maintenance?

24 replies

PurpleDragon76 · 19/08/2017 12:51

I have been seperated for 6 months and am still waiting for him to get his own place so when he has the kids he takes them to see family. He has it easy, picks them up with all their things and needs and toys and brings them back with their dirty washing. He pays the minimum he should but kids are expensive.

Without sounding grabby, is it reasonable to expect him to cover anything else? Like school shoes or clothes or practical things? For info I am on a small budget paying a mortgage, he rents a room for very little and earns a good income. I am just wondering what other people do who are seperated or divorced. Also, how do you work the 2 home things with belongings? Do you provide everything? Do they pack their clothes and bring them back home each time?

Basically I am all new to this and need to draw more definative lines and have a practical understanding. I think my ex is taking the piss a bit but then again maybe I am expecting too much?

OP posts:

Winosaurus · 19/08/2017 15:23

It depends how much he's giving you? I get £250 a month for my son and I wouldn't dream of asking for a penny over. My ex will treat our son to toys and clothes etc of his own volition but I don't ask him to.
IMO that's what the maintenance is for, he isn't paying me to look after our son whilst he's with me is he.
It also depends on how custody is split - my ex has our son 2 nights a week so he's fed, bathed etc there those days which means I'm only doing it the other 5.
My son has all his clothes at mine and I send him with enough clothes to dad's... he did used to have stuff at his dad's but we found he was outgrowing those things before they'd had their wear so it seem more logical to have them at mine instead.

My DP has 2 kids and his ex is CONSTANTLY asking for extra money which I think it unfair considering he pays a hefty whack in maintenance, eldest's phone bill (13 years old), pocket money and all other extra curricula activities. I personally think she takes the piss and if she wants more money she should go back to work full time instead of expecting him to support her.

There's no right or wrong answer though, it's up to you and your ex to decide what is right for your circumstances

c3pu · 19/08/2017 15:26

You can ask him to contribute more but the idea behind using the figure that the CMS arrive at is that it is a contribution towards everything, and if he's paying the maintenance then his financial obligation ends there.

However the flip side is that you don't have to provide the kids with anything while they are with him, so you don't need to pack them off with stuff if you don't want to - its up to him to provide that stuff when they are with him.

fairgame84 · 19/08/2017 15:34

Mine just pays the CMS amount and moans about it.
I wouldn't ask for extra unless I was desperate but I know that in an emergency he would help me out (and has). He would never give me extra for standard stuff such as uniforms etc as we are both happy this is covered in the CMS money.

foolonthehill · 19/08/2017 15:40

£7 per week for 4 DC.......................He didn't pay for years and is self employed so "manages" his declared income.

Sometimes I wonder why he bothers at all. But I am sure he tells everyone he pays his full share.

Oh and he only sees 2 DC as others won't stay with him (littlies don;t have the choice).

IMHO you could legitimately ask to split optional extras (school trips etc) but in theory the maintenance is supposed to be his contribution to normal expenditure.

niceupthedance · 19/08/2017 15:41

He has an attachment on his earnings to make him pay. He's not paid for anything else, ever. His mum buys all the Christmas presents for ds on his behalf.

I'd accept the maintenance and anything else he offers is a bonus.

Boredboredboredboredbored · 19/08/2017 15:47

We separated very amicably a year ago. When we looked at finances (he has debt) we knew it would be really tight so I have not asked for maintenance. At the moment he is paying £250 a month towards 2 school trips abroad the dc are going on next year that we agreed on. Once this is paid I have asked for this in maintenance. I have also asked for half the cost of school uniforms. He took them abroad this summer and often buys them clothes and other stuff they ask for. He earns around 10k more than me.

I feel overall it balances out and feels fair on the whole. We are just about to complete on moving house and I have had 75% of the equity.

JsOtherHalf · 19/08/2017 18:45

Cousin paid whatever child maintenance was calculated by government.
He also paid for things like mobile contracts, contact lenses contracts, out of school activities, and so on.
He also took the children on holiday every year, just him and them.

millmoo · 19/08/2017 18:53

Mine pays maintenance, pays dd phone bill , pays for half her uniform , pays for half of all school trips and gives her pocket money and treats her some times to new trainers , jeans etc etc .
I know I'm very lucky (well she is ) we don't argue about money . He earns probably 4x what I do so he has the money to spend

user1490465531 · 19/08/2017 19:35

I get nothing for my dd and he never has her as he's in prison.
And even when he gets out it will stay like that so I've just learnt to budget and get by taking any maintenance out of the equation.

Sistersofmercy101 · 19/08/2017 20:28

5 years out, took 4 years of chasing and arrears (2 with the CSA and 2 with the CMA...) and ex has gone self employed, so manages "declared income " to get £40 a month for 2DC's - and every month I get "late payment" letters as it's managed by the CMA despite them and him trying to guilt me into doing a "family based arrangement" !

ferriswheel · 19/08/2017 20:41

Yes. I'm new to this too. I think you are being very generous in how well you cater for your children when he's supposed to be taking care of them.

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 19/08/2017 20:47

Mine just pays maintenance and for stuff when he has them. No extras. I'm grateful for maintenance as he didn't pay it for almost a year when he was self employed.

Original poster

PurpleDragon76 · 19/08/2017 20:49

It would seem I am lucky he is paying. He left me with all the joint debt but 'gave' me the house. It is negative equity.

I think I am just bitter about everything and need to get over myself. Thanks all

OP posts:

Ditsy1980 · 19/08/2017 20:53

We used to do maintenance and then split the cost of uniform 50/50, as it was an extra cost that wasn't a usual monthly occurrence.
However, exh has decided to not pay maintenance anymore and CMS are doing the bare minimum to chase him.... so I'd be happy with anything at the moment!

SuffolkBumkin · 19/08/2017 20:54

Ex is is another nationality and lives in another country so I receive nothing, tbh I just wish he'd send them a birthday card.

Muddlingalongalone · 19/08/2017 20:57

My ex pays govt minimum (which is a joke because it doesn't even cover 1/2 childcare let alone feeding/clothing & housing them). But he will also pay for ad hoc things sometimes voluntarily & sometimes because I ask. But for example with an additional extra curricular activity I asked if he would contribute if she wanted to do it because I was paying for x & y.

He moved 150 miles away so sees them 1 day a fortnight & has overnights in half-term/school hols only and I send them with everything

Natsku · 19/08/2017 20:58

Pfftt not even maintenance. He has bought her Christmas and birthday presents but will only give them to her if she goes to his house (not allowed per court order) so yeah...

If you are able to talk with your ex then I'd have a frank discussion with him about how much all those extra costs add up to and ask him to contribute towards some of them. No harm in asking anyway so long as he's not the type to get really pissed off and then be difficult about maintenance.

ferriswheel · 19/08/2017 22:26

I don't think you sound bitter and I don't think you need to get over yourself.

It is a stressful and difficult time. And they disappear into their own world without a conscience.

Do you have a decent enough amount of money coming in? How old are your kids? I've learned heaps of money saving tips if they will help?

Is paying off the debt quickly a possibility?

wheresthel1ght · 19/08/2017 22:44

I think it depends on the sort of relationship you have with him.

My DP pays his ex significantly over the CMS calculations, partly because when it was done she wasn't allowing much contact so it was done based on that and as she has wanted them around less because they interfere with her social life we have them a lot more - ie was 1 night a week and now it is virtually 50/50 with 3 nights every week and sometimes 4 depending on activities and then we have them 50% of holidays as a minimum. DP also pays for 50% of all educational school trips and I buy all their non branded school uniform -the only thing she has paid for relating to uniform in the last 5 years is 2 school blazers for DSS and 1 for DSD. We (I) have paid for everything else including all school shoes and casual ones for both houses. He also pays for DSD's phone contract (she pays DSS's), pays for clubs, pocket money, clothes etc for our house and pays money into their savings every month. If you added it all up he is paying over double what the CMS state he should be and she STILL makes demands for more.

Personally I think she takes the mick as her earning potential is 3 times what DP can earn if she went back full time. She refuses to, which is her prerogative, but I do find it really annoying that I have had to go back full time before DD has started school because without it we can't afford to offer DD the same experiences in terms of school trips as DSS and DSD have been given. However, when she found out I had gone back to work she demanded an increase in her maintenance as she decided to claim her solicitor had told her she was entitled to a % of my earnings.

I have no issue with the amount that DP pays towards his kids. I don't think that the CMS amounts are in any way fair, however, I also don't agree that the NRP regardless of whether they are male/female should be forced into poaying higher amounts just because the RP doesn't feel that they have the same obligation to financially support their kids.

ddrmum · 19/08/2017 22:51

my children's father refuses to pay anything fir 3 kids. twat. He really doesn't 'get' that maintenance is for the kids.

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 19/08/2017 22:53

Mine pays £200 pm (although I know he should be paying more as he has a managerial teaching position and often boasts on FB about promotions and pay rises...dick) and has dd every other weekend. He gives our 12yo dd £10 pocket money per week (insisted he was doing this rather than up the maintenance which unfortunately means dd sometimes ends up buying essentials rather than fun stuff).

He will help pay for expensive secondary school uniform if asked, but does not buy any extras at all for our dd, not even knick knacks like magazines or books etc when she stays with him. He does fund a foreign holiday each year for her, but it is flight only as they stay with family and she hates going tbh.

I think that asking the ex to pay for extras entirely depends on what they earn and how much maintenance they pay and obviously how often they have their child in their care. It's such a difficult path to tread unfortunately. :(

MadameJosephine · 19/08/2017 22:56

My ex pays £200 a month maintainence plus half of the monthly nursery bill. He does buy her clothes sometimes but just because he wants to not because I've asked him to. She starts school in September and he paid half of the cost her uniform.

Stinkbomb · 19/08/2017 23:02

This makes me so cross that these 'dads' aren't properly contributing to their children's upkeep.
STBXH left be around 18 months ago, and he has paid 50% of childcare since then - I figured that's the least he could do, doesn't pay anything more towards her, but the childcare enables both of us to work full-time. Going through CMA would give significantly less, even though he can easily (and absolutely should anyway) afford to pay much more, especially as he's self-employed.
I have bought all uniform etc for DD, despite saying he'd buy half he hasn't done so.
It makes me sad that so many fathers don't contribute to their children and try to get away with the absolute minimum.

BitchQueen90 · 19/08/2017 23:02

Mine pays £400 a month for my DS (aged 4) and will give me extra if I ask for it, which I have never done bar this month for new school uniform. When DS is with him he'll take him on days out and buy him toys, occasionally new clothes. My ex's job takes him all over the country so he only has DS once every 10 days or so. My ex can be an awkward fucker in many ways (only has DS when convenient for him) but he is on a good salary and generous when it comes to cash.

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